My diary

2019/10/12 8:57pm

I've failed people again Lavender. I'm never getting better, you know why? Because I'm a fudge up and you know what happens to fudge ups? The fudge up even more and end up alone in their pits of sh*t. I hurt somebody today, once again. You know i though I could acctually get better a few days ago. Whe I started talking with others about my house problems, but you know what? I just made people worse and myself worse. I'm spitting out the truth to different people and I feel like sh*t. I'll end up alone for the rest of my life. I'm going to go Poof alone, I'll live alone and I'll hurt myself alone. In the dark I'm alone... Goodbyes. I doubt I'll be back for a while.. I'm fudging off now.. See ya !!!

2019/10/13 10:41am (trigger warning)

Lavender... the pain... it hurts so fudging much... I'm relapsing once again... I feel the pain all over me flowing out of me through my crimson river... it hurts..yet.. it feels relaxing... oh lavender... i'm failing so many people today and yesterday and tommorow and the following days... im never getting better... i'm sorry, but i'll live like this for the rest of my lifetime...I'll still be here, but i also won't be Here... i feel so lost in my own mind and heart... they want to go Poof, yet my body refuses to... it functions perfectly... i'm sorry body that i don't love you... i miss 'Her' so much... she said she'll always be there for me, but when i need help she isn't there... she dumped her issues onto me... she only wants me at my strongest... when im failing to keep up and be strong and 'normal'... she has no use of me... im so lost lavender... i feel like in a mase... i'll never get out of here... im terrible when it comes to mases... I always sound like a damn hypocrite when i say that there's always a way out... i've given up long ago to find or try to find a way out... oh lavender... please never leave me... i hope 7 cups won't ban me for writing sh*t like this... Goodbyes...

2019/10/13 10:52am

Lavender... my thighs really hurt... im sorry...

2019/10/13 2:03pm

I read a forum post which lead to an article. I read the article and it was very... sad yet strong..so beautiful and so so so tragic. https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaSupport_60/DissociationDID_919/VictimwithDIDtestifiesintheirpersonalitieswins_208417/ Here's the forum post. it leads to the article. There are mentions of childhood abuse and DID and MPD though. Could trigger somebody, but i hope other people can read this. It's very interesting. I hope other people who suffer from trauma of any kind can speak up one day. I hope I can too... Goodbyes..

2019/10/15 8:29am

Oh Lavender... I'm sorry I lied about never have taken drugs... i was so low... i really needed something or someone to numb myslef...please forgive me....Goodbyes

2019/10/15 8:24pm

Lavender... i didn't tell you everything... there are things that are better kept silent and aways from the light... never to be seen by anyone or anything... I am going to tell you that the month of september was the worst... i tried IT 3 times... all failed... i couldn't bring myself to do it 2 times and the time before those two it did what i did last time... it's sorry i'm like this.. please forgive me even if i can't forgive myself... goodbyes..

2019/10/18 8:25am

Sorry... it's been a while.. i..i'm not doing too well.. last night... i had my first guilt trip in a while...but i came back into connection with a friend..he's a good person..he didn't leave me when i told him about the things i did..i fear that he will eventually leave me, but until that day comes... i'll cherish every moment i have with him...lavender...i don't know what to do with myself anymore...i'm going back to my old..'habits' again...i'm sinking low again..i don't even know why..i'm sorry...i'm going to try IT again...just once more...if it doesn't work out like planned... i'll tell you..it's going to be my 5th time...i hear that IT was the cowards way out...guess i'm even more of a coward...*laughs*...hahaha... take care and stay safe and stay strong and hang on. I love everyone i've met here on 7 cups.. all wonderful people.. i hope you all find hapiness and truth sooner than later...Farewell lovelies...

2019/10/18 5:07pm

i... i was so close lavender..so so close... just one step more and i could have left this horrid mind i have...i could have left this un beatable body...i could have left the guilt trips forever...i could be alive... but someone pulled me away before i could step into the metal box filled road...she's a good soul...only wants the best for people... i never saw her again after she pulled me away... ahhh i guess i'll be staying here for a while then... goodbyes...

2019/10/21 2:11pm

i hate being the person i am... lavender... i hate being so caring and being i liar.. i hate saying that i'll always be here even if i know i won't.. i hate being the reason someone is alive.. god i even told him that i'll always be here for him... lavender i feel like i'm soon going to reach the deep end of my endless, dark, cold and comforting lake... i feel me sinking too deep.. and this time.. i don't think i'll survive my 6th attempt... i can feel it upon me... i can feel the presure and all this hurt and all this numbness.. lavender i'm so scared.. i don't want to be like this anymore... lavender please help me... i don't know what to do... i know you're not real god damn it... i'm going to sink so low... lavender i was told it's going to get better and i have afuture to live for.. but do i really/ we all live to die anyways... i-i i can just... god... lavender.. i can't stop these things from coming at me.. i keep getting the feeling of that heinous man's hands on me.. i can feel the pain that he cause upon me.. i can feel the cuts/scratches i made on myself... god lavender... im sinking so so deep..

2019/10/24 7:24pm

Lavender.. i snapped 2 days ago... the guy that touched me and creeped out the girls in my class was bothering my friend Lili. I yelled his name and told him to back off.. he didn't listen.. i got up and was shoved back down by one of my classmates, everyone disliked the creep, but none snapped, only i did. He told me to clam down, because he knew that i was about to do something that i would regret. I listened to him and sat down. The creep saw me and went to his place. I stared at him with murderous intent, yet my face showed no trace of emotion. Later on, when he went up to talk to Lili, she told him to go away, he ask why. I came in and told him to back the F off... he told me that Lili can speak for herself, but i knew that she wouldn't say anything, because she never did when her, me and other girls were harrassed by the creep... I doubt that she ever will... I told him to just go away and stop bothering her, to stop making her uncomfortable... I had other words in mind, but they are better off in the dark... I feel like something bad's going to happen... i fear that I won't be there when it happens... Goodbyes..