My diary
I guess i always wanted a diary. I never really wanted anyone to read it. If I were to get a notebook as a diary, then my parents would see it and anyone can see it. But For some reason I want people to see it. I want people I don't iknow to see it. I always feel alone. I'm always bottling things a lot so writing or typing things down helps me, when music and paint fail me. I'll post whenever i feel like it i guess. Please don't respond or comment or do anything... Take care and Stay safe. At the very least try to i guess...
2019/11/13 3: 20am
i am finally crying
i know that they're love can't keep me here for longer
i wanted distractions
i got them
mostly bad ones
i took drugs, smoked, drank and fucked
but nothing can keep me away from my mind long enough
i will not be here any longer
i know i do this a lot, but i don't think this time im coming back
ive gone too deep and i will soo wither and leave
the love ive received my whole life, felt little, but it was enough for me to last 14 years
i deeply care for my gang
i know that they will be okay and better off without me
they will manage
i taught them that much
they are strong women
they will be okay without me
i doubt anyone in 7 cups asked where ive been or even cared to even wonder why im not online much
ive gone back to cutting
and my thighs are an ugly sight
i broke things off with my fwb
i'm going to write the letters to my gang
i'm going to write my final letter on my feed
i am going to say goodbye
Goodbye Lavender, you have been kind.
Thank you 7 cups for the good things you made me feel
Thank you for the people ive met on 7 cups, whi have helped and listened to me
Thank you for your support
Sincerely yours, Isabella.
@HappyLily291125
I'd be negligent if I didn't offer this although you may be aware of it. There are other sites/resources that specialize in crisis situations including suicidality, where everybody there is specially trained to know how to help with that. There are many people who have had similar experiences and thoughts and have continued living and had a happy life in the end after receiving the proper support.
https://help.7cups.com/hc/en-us/articles/360026238093-Crisis
People on 7Cups including me don't know what the heck they're doing, which is why we're supposed to refer people to an external site if their life is in danger. My own feeling has often been that if writing on this site has kept you alive, then it would be really problematic for me to say something like, "Hey, you can't write here" and push you away. In this case though, I really don't want you to die, so I really hope you'll find something you like in that link and reach out.
I do really hope you'll continue living, though I have no right to ask it while knowing what you've endured and continue to endure. It's easy for me to say, "Oh just keep going," as if that were something easy or simple when I'm not the one in your situation. I'm sorry for how my request probably comes across.
I really like imagining a world that has you in it doing amazing things and living to an old age in a life where you have had many positive experiences and helped many people, and I still believe that it's possible.
2019/11/14 2:12pm
like all the other times i failed. the necklace was too loose and i feel right after getting a wisp of flight. overdosing didn't wrok, jumping infront of a vehicule didn't work, cutting didn't work and drugs and sex didn't work. Nothing fucking works. I hate this body i have, the people i'm surrounded by and my fucking mind. I'm dying to live for others. There;s nothing i want to do anymore. i just want to fly. fly so high, that when i come down.. i fall as hard as possible. I would never fall from a building. or never ever. it's too bloody and classical, plus if i fall on someone, then they'll be traumatized. I wouldn't want that. I feel numb and dead. i'm still 'drowning' in this never ending lake. there's no way out. i'm trapped here for the rest of my months, days, years, hours, minutes, seconds. i'm forever stuck in this never ending cycle of pain, numbness and suffering. im stuck in my own mind.
im not dead, but i am dying to live.
*fell
2:22pm
its funny how there are many people fighting to live, but then there's me. just dying from the inside out. id give my place to someone who wants to live. they might want my body to live. they can take any limbs of mine, to replace the one that's infected or something. they can take my blood if it means they get to live longer and i get to wilt. I'm not happy and i'm not lili. I am Isabella, i am afraid of so many things, but i am not afraid of other things. i am not afraid of my mind. i am not afraid of death. i am not afraid of rape, torture, people, 'Them', 'Her', drugs, alchohol, 'Him'. I am not afraid of losing myself to the emptyness. I am afraid of my friends. I am afraid of love. I am afraid of hands. I am afraid of closeness. I am afraid of my body. I am afraid of loving. I am afraid of my gang.
I am afraid of so many and so little. I am not afraid of so many more, but none can describe.
2019/11/15 11:07 am
i talked with one of my long time listener friends and i don't think i want to wither right now. i've still got to help him and my gang.. they are my life support. i can't leave them like this. they are keeping me on my feet or knees, so i've got to help them as much as i can. i told my friend L about the 6-7 Times. we talked for a bit. it was nice to know that i could confine myself to her and my listener friend. i've never really liked tell other about myself, but i think that it's okay if i tell people. it's okay to open up tp people.. not everyone will hurt me or leave me. people can treat me right. people care. i don't like being someone else's life support, 'cause that means that if/when i give up for the 8th time, we will meet in he11. i don't want anyone to suffer because of me. i don't want anyone to be hurt because of me. i'm not living for myself, but for others. it's been a while since i went to the group support chats. i've taken a week off from school, i don't think it was a good idea.. i've been getting worse and i tried IT again. i think it's best if i have people around me. if i keep in touch with other people. i left 'Her' yesterday. she said that she was about to ask if i wanted to meet tommorow, but i just said that we shouldn't be friends anymore. she though i was joking, but i just said. "I don't know if you're sarcastic or not, but let's no talk anymore bye." after she said that she was glad that she now knows that the way she texted affects her friendships. I said that it's not only the way you text, but the way you treat them. I left and i don't ever want to see or speak with her aver again. it hurt me to leave her, but it hurt me more to know that she didn't care about me and was treating me like old useless jewelry.
2019/11/16 12:17pm
I had a dream I got everything I wanted Not what you'd think And if I'm bein' honest It might've been a nightmare To anyone who might care Thought I could fly Fly So I stepped off the Golden, mm Nobody cried Cried, cried, cried, cried Nobody even noticed I saw them standing right there Kinda thought they might care Might care, might care I had a dream I got everything I wanted But when I wake up, I see You with me And you say, As long as I'm here, no one can hurt you Don't wanna lie here, but you can learn to If I could change the way that you see yourself You wouldn't wonder why you're here, they don't deserve you I tried to scream But my head was underwater They called me weak Like I'm not just somebody's daughter Coulda been a nightmare But it felt like they were right there And it feels like yesterday was a year ago But I don't wanna let anybody know 'Cause everybody wants something from me now And I don't wanna let 'em down I had a dream I got everything I wanted But when I wake up, I see You with me And you say, As long as I'm here, no one can hurt you Don't wanna lie here, but you can learn to If I could change the way that you see yourself You wouldn't wonder why you're here, they don't deserve you If I knew it all then, would I do it again Would I do it again If they knew what they said would go straight to my head What would they say instead If I knew it all then, would I do it again Would I do it again If they knew what they said would go straight to my head What would they say instead
everything i wanted by billie eillish
sometimes i feel like the songs i relate to the most come a bit before or after i've committed a mistake. i.. i want to wither and dissapear, but i can't bear the hurt that i'd feel if i knew how my gang would feel.. how my listener friend would feel.. i regret all the times i've tried to die.. it's hard living like this.. fighting my self.. it's easier to give up than to keep getting hurt, running, fighting anf falling. it's so much easier, but the consequences aren't the greatest.. i know i'll fall many times... i know i'll try IT again, but i don't want to give up, but it's so hard.. lavender... it's so hard getting through this alone.. so so so hard.. i wish.. i wish i could get everything i wanted, but that wouldn't be nice to thos i love.. sometimes i just think about how my gang would be like if i never existed.. if we never met.. if i never was born... i can make up so many scenarios.. but.. i.. its.. i love my gang with all the rest of my heart.. i've been torn apart many times. i've been hurt many times. i've hurt people before. i can't live with all this guilt and shame on me... but.. i've still gotta continue.. i have to continue for my gang.. just.. pick myself up and act away.. become the leader, protector, mother, guide and friend to my gang.. i have to guide them away from myself.. i have to protect them from the bad things i have to take away the bad things and take them in myself. i can never expose myself to anyone anymore.. not them.. i can't.. it'll hurt them.. i'll just keep myself to me..
11:00pm
i relapsed again.. i didn't do too much of it, but just enough to feel good and numb the rest. i keep touching the lines on my fore arm and i can't help feel like they are part of a ladder.. like a ladder that's ment to go up and up and up and up.. and when i reach the top... i fall. the ladder is so high that when i reach the top and fall, i can never get back up again. i don't know if you understand, not many people understand my nonesence, but i feel like. if i understand my nonesence then i don't need anyone else to understand either. oh well.. i feel okay after relapsing.. ir feels nice to have my mind silent for once. they never seem to shut up. they keep on talking and talking, but im used to it. im going to read a book now. bye
2019/11/17 4:51pm
soooooooo.. i'm such a fucking idiot. my mind had the bright idea to unblock my fwb and now he wants to follow me. obviously i declined. (my insta is private) and now i'm shitting my pants, because L will be so fucking dissapointed in me for unblocking him.
stupid thing i did this week (not in any specific order):
-unblocked my fwb
-relapsed
-didn't finish any work
-made stupid pancakes at 12pm
-ignored my work
-painted instead of being useful
-didn't help my mom with housework
-got in a fight with my brother
-ignored my mom
-told L about my shit (now she's fucking worried about me and i don't like it)
-slept for a whole 12 hours.. during the day
-slept at 3 am every night
-only read 55 pages in my book
-didn't do my science hm
-forgot my history book at school
-left my medical kit in the washroom (went to get it back)
-washed the dishes.. with my sleeves up, and my arms were exposed (im a dumbass)
-made an overspiced pie instead of working
-tried to float..(that didn't work, that's why i'm still here)
-told L about my other attempts
-didn't contact any of my gang except L and Mel
I got more things, but i forgot them :/
6:31pm
the fwb and i talked and we decoded to not talk anymore. we parted in good times. i blocked him and we aren't going to talk to each other anymore. we wished each other the best and parted ways. i hope he finds a good person who'll love him as he loves them one day. he's an okay guy, i don't dislike him, but i don't like him. he's okay. i wish him the best. as for me, i'm just going to continue on like i was before i guess, there's nothing i can really do right? i'll just keep on sailing this paper boat.. let the waves take me wherever they want me to go, maybe turn some times, but i'll just follow.. i'll just go with the flow. wait t'ill the boat starts tearing apart and one day i reach challenger deep.. just sinking and sinking.. i hope my scratches don't get infected.. i didn't patch them up, i just cleaned them with tissue paper and hand sanitizer, not teh weird, fruity or flowery or special scented sanitized, just the plain one. i tried bandaging it up, but figured that it wasn't as bad as usual so i just left it open. i feel like taking some acids or smoking... i don't think it's good for me to do that, but i just want to do it again... :/ yeah there's something wrong with me
2019/11/21 12:48am
i told L about my sh and mental health. she knows about my weaknesses now. she knows i am lying about being okay. we're going to go see the school's nurse to check up on my scars. 'cause i noticed that they're getting darker and darker and they hurt and sting more than usual. since i think monday? i keep doing it every night. it's a good thing that the stapler bar makes think lines, but is sharp as a knife. i don't need much force to do it. L said that i coupd talk with her mom, because her mom's been through something similar to me. i am thinking on going, but im not too sure. promised i'll think about it. now my scars hury so much. they wont stop stinging. i bandaged them up, but they still fucking hurt...i hate myself..
2019/11/23 1:53pm
i decided to meet up with L's mom, L said she could help me.. honestly.. i don't think this is going to end up right.. ill probably mess up things again. i dont like telling others about my issues or my thoughts or my self-harm, but L wants me to do it.. i did say id do anything for my gang..i have this ball in my throat that wont go away.. i want to scream and yell and kick and hit and scratch and do anything harmful, i want to yell my lungs out.. to the point i break my vocal cords and i will never be able to speak again.. i prefer not speaking.. i hate it.. i hate listening to my voice.. inner and outer.. i hate my mind and my way of living.. i want to restart everything.. i want a restart button on my life.. i don't like this... i dont like being anywhere. the library and being with my friends or even reading or painting or running or anything.. they can't let me escape them... i want out of here so so badly.. nothing can get me out of here, not even for a millisecond.. im always drowning or suffocating or falling.. im always yelling in my head.. im alwayd hurting.. there's no way out of here... i want to get out.. i want to breathe...
@HappyLily291125
Hi--I hope it goes well. It's really brave of you to try that. Can understand not wanting to share stuff and that being uncomfortable when there's so much there... you've been through a lot.
@frigidstars27 thank you stars... it means a lot..
7:35pm
i kind of hate being here.. i feel like im just part of a never ending cycle.. im having second thoughts about meeting L's mom.. i feel like i'll mess things up and i'll just sink lower and lower... i don't want to talk about my issues to anyone but L.. it's really hard for me to trust anyone with anything really... after what happened with 'Her'... i told her about me and my issues and my thoughts and my troubles, but it didn't help.. she just drifted away from me.. she didn't check up on me after months of distance.. she seemned like she didn't care about me.. she ghosted me and dry texted me and when we hung out on rare occasions, she'd use her phone and talk with other people.. i hate myself for loving her and letting her use me and hanging on to her and still.. still loving her... i know im just hurting myself.. i know i have to move on.. i know i sound like a hypocrite when i say, "You shouldn't hang on to someone who can't/doesn't love you like you love them, you're just hurting yourself.. there is someone out there just for you, who'll love you like you love them." I tell my friends and people i try to help that, but i can't believe my own words.. i cant believe that someone out there would love me for me entirely.. i don't believe that someone would love me after all i've done.. i don't think anyone in this world can handle this monster... i want someone to love me.. but i don't want them to deal with me.. i want someone to be happy with me and enjoy being with me and love me for me.. inside and out.. and deeper.. but i don't want them to fear me or pity me or treat me like a broken and fragile person.. i don't want them to see.. the creature.. this monster.. i don't want anyone to have to deal with a fuck up.. 'cause that's what i am.. a fuck up.. who's done nothing, but fuck up herself.. who's hurt herself.. who's hurt others.. who's played and used others.. who's done unexplainable things.. who can give and give and give, but can't accept anything for free.. because i know everything comes with a price.. love and friendship comes with a price.. i have so many things i could do... but i don't want to do them.. i want help, but i don't want it at the same time... i want to become better, but i don't want to speak about my issues.. i want to live, but that comes with a price.. telling others..
7:50pm
I don't want to see L's mom or the nurse of the school.
I am not going to see anyone.
I don't need to see anyone.
7:57pm
i'm done trying to find help.
it never worked anyways.
nobody understands or understood.
my issues have always been stupid.
i have no reason to be like this.
i live a normal life.
it's all in my head.
everything has and always be in my head.
my self-harm is always there, i can hurt myself in so many ways and not give a shit.
i just need distractions.
i have never and never will forgive myself, but that's okay
the sooner i d1e the better.. i just have to wait..
just.. wait..
2019/11/24 6:33pm
i'm sick.. like really really sick. mental and physical wise. i'm getting better, physical wise. i'll be able to go to school tmr. i'm just thinking... i could just take too much tylenol and overdose.. i wouldn't do it, but it's tempting.. like people won't think it's a suicide, it could just be a mistake.. my friend L might think it is a suicide attempt... maybe her mom as well... it's hard living like this... one second i'm happy and okay, the next.. i just feel empty, like now.. i don't really feel anything right now.. i am cold though.. probably because i'm sick.i like painting with watercolours.. it's nice, watching the colours mix together.. it's nice.. i sketch girls.. they kind of remind me of well.. me.. like they each have a story and a name and a part of me in them.. i'm unable to do a self-portrait... it's impossible for me... i can't write my story fully, i always leave some things out and/or delete it right after.. i once tried writing a story about a girl.. she had parts of me in her.. but i made her situation worse.. she didn't try and commit It.. she self-harms like me.. she was going through physical abuse by her dad.. her mother died when she gave birth to the girl.. i forgot the name of the girl.. i'll try and remember her name... i always make situations worse than they should be... in real life and in the stories i write.. but when it comes to my story.. i don't really know what's real or not.. sometimes i happen to mix things up..i feel like there are many people in my mind... like they each have they're own stories and they sometimes mix they're stories with mine.. that's why i deleted my story... the one that had 3 parts and yeah... i can't remember my story... i mean i do, but i don't know if it's real or not.. i only know the present.. that's why i have you Lavender.. you help me remember who i am... what my thoughts are/were.. where i am in my mind space... what time i am in.. sorry this sounds weird... i think i'll talk in the group support chat.. i don't feel like painting right now.. not anymore.. maybe i'll read a book later on.. maybe study for my science exam.. we'll see.. bye
6:48 pm
nevermind.. i don't think i'm going to the chat.. i don't feel like talking today.. i'll just paint and listen to some music.. i'll probably read and study later on.. bye
6:59pm
i'm sad again.. i don't like being sad..
i don't want to be sad
but.. it's better to be sad than to be dead i guess..
people want me to live and get better.. but.. i never get better
so.. i'll just stay sad, because i love you
i'll be sad and keep on moving, just to make you happy
i won't bother you with my problems
seeing you smile is all i really want
seeing you happy is all i need
i doubt that you know i'm sadder than you think
you know i'm sad, but i didn't tell you how sad i am
i'm really really really sad.. it's really really really hard to get up in the morning
but then.. i remember that you are happy and you say you love me
you say that you care and want the best for me
you say that all will be okay
and that you will be here with me the whole time
i don't want you to see how sad i am
i am not okay.. i am probavly lower than i've ever been before.. i caught a sickness called peunomnia, im taking anti-biotics right now, but when i wasn't taking them, i felt like i was dy1ng... i felt like.. It was the only way out. right now, i am only getting by with advil and the anti-biotics, without them i'd be in a darker place than now.. lavender.. this is my chance to escape, but im not going to take it.. my parents paid for the x-ray, the anti-biotics, the medicice and all that good stuff... i promised my friend i would not d1e on her... not today..
it's been a while. i'm still sick and in a dark place, but i'm holding up.
