My diary

sometimes all i really need is just... a cake and a friend to share it with...

sometimes all i want to feel is delight.. without feeling bad for it late on...

sometimes the dark isn't bad... too many colours is worse that none, but blankness is when you're d o n e

sometimes i look back and think about everything and nothing at all...

i get dreams of getting hurt or falling

i lie a lot

sometimes the words i speak are filled with deceit that i don't know about..

deceit has no taste in my mouth... i can only feel it.. it flows in and out like blood from my bloody nose

im sick with pnenomina... there's a chance i might... might not... d1e

i don't want to.. not right now..

not dead.. yayyyy..

im tired of doing what im doing

twidling my thumbs waiting... just waiting.. for everything and nothing.. just waiting...

im always waiting and walking.. just passing by.. going through things and going to the next..

a cycle.. happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad, happy, sad, mad, confused, sad...

going round and round and round and round.. even when i draw with lines.. even when i write different words.. they all mean the same thing.. nothing..

when i'm gone nobody would remember me

im lonely

from now on i might post some random shit at random times.. i dont feel like putting dates so im stopping that. nothing is helping me anymore fuck not even fucking myself for fucks sakes.. nothing works and im too lazy to cut myself again and go through a whole cycle again so ill just be here and bottling shit and letting out shit. ahh.. i know this is a bad idea, but i cant give 2 fucks about whats good for me. i want to be happy, but i dont feel like working for it so ill just be here. i g i v e u p here ya go. ill post whenever and yeah.. doubt i'll be in the support chats anymore i feel too fucked up for it. anyways that's all.

tis a bad idea, but whatever can one do to feel delight once more?

there aren't any mistakes, just happy little accidents

a happy fucked up accident, that's what i am. can even write it on my giant ass fore head if i wanted.

fuck it. I'm going to burn myself out with work and stress and regret my decisions, maybe that will push me enough to fall

byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i hate myself a lot. like a lot a lot. i want to cry and shout and just trash the whole place, but my parents'll think im fucking crazy and send me to someone to 'help' me. i'm too fucked up to even get help, but yoi know whay they say, "fake it t'll you male it" so lets all act sane, composed, happy, calm, demure and all that good stuff. haaaa.. i wanna smoke, maybe that'll keep me calm. but i cant underaged. so fucking tired of everything right now. just k11 me already i'm ready to fucking go.. guess thats not happening anytime too thougj, oh well

heyyyy honestly i dont really know what to write.. i just feel empty, but i dont want to tall to anyone right now.. my minds pretty blank filled with smoke.. it's hard to breathe nowadays, but i dont really care.. aaaaaahhhhh... i hate being like this.. feeling alone, but not wanting to talk with anyone irl or online.. i hate bothering people or inconviencing them.. if i were to be poof nothing would change, if anything everyone's lives would be better, but im not going to leave.. not yet.. i have things to do.. so not yet.. aaahh.. im tired of this.. i'll just stare at my celing in pitch black for now

i remember this one time in my first year of highschool. i was 12 yrs old and in my class there was this one guy who was really nice and sweet. He was older than us and looked as if he were already and adult, but that didn't change the way we treated him. At that time i was in a really really dark place, but he always seemned to make me smile even if we didn't talk much. one day it was a monday first period and it was a hot day. we sat next to each other and he took his binder and started fanning me for no reason what so ever. I copied him and we were fanning each other with our binders, face to face. I asked him why he was doing thia and he said that i must feels pretty hot in my hoodie. I was sh-ing at that time. I said that he should look back at himself. He always wore the black long sleeved uniform. Our uniforms can be long sleeved or short sleeved, we get to choose which ever we wanted to wear. he started lauging and we were both lauging then.. he then said that his job was done as he put down his binder. I put mines back on the desk as he did and sked him what job? He said, to make me smile. said i looked down and sad. He was open about his situation at home and didn't seem to care much. Everyone in class knew that his dad wasn'tt he best. He was verbally abusive towards him. I always wondered how he can be so open about it and still be happy. He then promised that if i stayed happy for a whole month (i think) he would buy me a chocolate pocky box. I really liked and still do like pocky especially the chocolate flavored one. It was/is my favorite snack. I agreed. I would really do anything for pocky. That month was probably my most brightest month of all my life. I stopped sh-ing and tried my best to socialize with my friends more. Even tried to end things with 'Her' but we all know how that ended up.. I also took it as a test, can people really keep their promises? I didnt care much about the pocky by the end of it. That question was the reason i keep going. A few months passed and it was now I think november? Im not too sure. it's been a few months that's all i know. I kind of forgot about the promise, but i hadn't sh-ed in a long time. As i walked down the hallway to get to my locker, he dropped the pocky box onto my books. He's way way taller than me, but at that moment i just stopped. I forgot about the promise and had just remembered it. I wanted to hug him and then cry. I dont know why i wanted to cry but i wanted to. I didn't cry or hug him. we were in public and everyone was already starring at us. I just thanked him and left to my locker. I feel bad for not doing more.. i really want to return the favor. He made me believe that not all promises are ment to be broken. I wish he is doing okay now. I haven't seen him since the last day of that school year. I hope he is okay, doing well mentally and physically. I hope he was able to get out of his situation. I hope he's happy. Maybe one day, if faith will bring us together again. I'll thank him sincerely, but for now.. I'm holding on

i'm feeling quite sad today.. i can't help but feel like i've let down everyone i love.. i feel like i will never be able to give them the love they deserve as if i need to be better.. i don't feel good enough.. i don't feel proud of myself, but at the same time i do.. i am proud of all the achievements i've done throughout my whole life... but it doesn't feel enough.. nothing feels enough.. i just don't know what to do.. i feel like i'm still sinking.. things aren't as bad as before.. this morning i was acctually in a good mood, but as the day progressed.. i just felt sad.. it might be because my friends mel and lili told me that the way the series Tom and Jerry ended with the commiting suicide.. that show was and still is my favorite.. i guess.. i just.. i don't know.. i guess it reminded me of the stuff I've done.. i feel like a dissapointment.. I've really been irritated these past few days.. like everything irritates me.. i just feel like breaking down sometimes too.. sometimes my modd can swing back and forth.. it's just weird and close to uncontrolable.. i sometimes feel everything and nothing at the same time..

im sad.. don't really know why, i just am..haaaa.. how can i even help others, if i can't even help myself.. keeping up this act of pride and happiness and leader-like and strenght is getting harder and harder.. i hate this.. i dont want to be like this anymore... ahhh.. i'll just make up a story to distract myself...

i'm going to be hanging out with a good friend today. We're planning on going to the mall, then she's going to tutor me in math at my house or at a cafe. She's part of the gang that I live and am part of. Do know what when i mean gang, it's like a group of people who do random, but not dangerous things together. The most dangerous thing we can really do, is play paintballing or go to an air shooting rank. All in all we don't do any of those gang affiliated stuff. We're just a group of highschool teens, who've been together for over 9 years. Everyone's supportive of each other and we all have our own issues. If one needs help, we're always here for each other. I'm acctualy planning on going to a college that can help me learn more about medicine or psychology or criminology. Just some things i'm interested in. If we were to put roles in our group. I'd be the mom and the friend i will be hanging out with would probably be the eldest teen. It's kind of funny, because I'm the yougest member amongst our group and she's the eldest. Oh well.. we all have different personalities. I guess my worrisome personality is sometimes helpful. I'll report back whe we come back home.