My diary

im such an idiot.. such a massive fucking idiot... i don't know why this was a good idea.. she probably lefaft early because she saw them.. i don't know what to do.. i'm not panicky right now.. well i dont think i am.. i sont know what im feeling but it's not good.. she saw them and im screwed. she's going to tell my parents and they'll send me back to that stupid psychologust. im not going there.. i'll just observe the way she talks with me through text now... if anything is strange or something.. yeah... im not overthinking this right? i mean.. i guess i did hint out my sadness, but she's not that observant so im sure im okay im safe.. im probably over thinking this yeah.. i'll just continue my homework.. yeah we're oaky.. things are oaky

im tired of this

I HATE IT

I hate it playing the piano brings nothing but troubles. I hate it. I thought it might make me feel better, but no. It just gives me more stress and anxious energy. I'm struggling and he's there nagging me to make some improvement. I have been improving for fucks sakes. I hate this. I hate him. Why is it so hard to understand that I am not able to learn a song overnight! AH I HATE IT!

i feel like a bad friend, i'm so selfish

i ignored her for the whole day.. i don't know why.. i.. i hate myself so much.. i hate i'm like this.. i get irritated all the time, but i'm also sad.. i don't want to be like this anymore.. i used to try and get better and some days i still try to, but i.. it feels like i'm in a never ending cycle.. like whatever i do.. i'll always come back.. i don't want to talk with anyone.. nobody at all.. i want to crawl up into a ball and fade away without a trace.. these are selfish wishes.. i know.. i'm selfish anyways.. i lie a lot.. i use people.. i hurt people on purpose sometimes.. i yell threats to people.. i am such a horrible monster.. i don't feel human or okay at all.. i feel like a damned monster.. i hate myself so much.. i hate it.. i hate myself.. i hate this monster.. i hate this suffocation i'm feeling.. i hate this box i'm trapped in.. i hate this never ending cycle i'm in.. i hate the mind space i have.. i hate not being able to sleep like a fucking human being... i hate this selfish, horrible, heinous, ugly, stupid monster..

i hate it..

im not okay.. i feel really sad right now.. i don't know why though.. he seems so happy now and i'm glad that he's finally seeing the light in his life, but for some reason.. i'm also not happy... i sound so selfish right now and i know that.. everyone around me seems so happy and okay with their lives.. and then there's me.. not being able to breathe properly and just not feeling anything... i feel so out of it right now.. i don't want to do anything except crawl up into a ball and dissapear.. i feel like a monster.. i envy the fact that he has found some love from other people and that he is living for the best.. i feel like she's going to be avle to help him move on and het better.. he doesn't need me anymore now that he has her.. he'll fall for her as well and i'll make him forget about me bit by bit.. he'll decide to not move here anymore and will stay where he is at now.. i want the best for him and i know that that is not me.. he needs someone stable and okay, who loves themselves and who can love others, who doesn't lie a lot, who doesn't use people and especially who isn't a monster. I love him, but as a close friend.. nothing more and nothing less.. i cannot give him the love he deserves.. and he deserves way kore than me.. everyone deserves way more than this.. way more that this monster who's sold themselves and who's done so many stupid things and so much shit.. who's utterly and completely broken.. i am an actress.. it's my duty to fulfill my role as the perfect daughter.. and if i tell anyone about what i do and what i've done.. my life will turn into ruin and i will become meaninglesa and utterly useless.. i am and always will be an actress who will stay happy, even if she is broken and empty and shitty.. she'll play the guardian, the daughter, the leader, rhe friend, the whore, the bitch to anyone it conserns.. but she will only play her true self.. when she ia 6 feet under.. because that is what she is..

i just realised that i sound like some edge lord when i write here :/ I've gotta fix that

you know what? i'm quite happy today. I feel okay today. I have been talking with this one guy since august (i think) and i think i really really love him. Not as a brother or a best friend, but as a lover. He's just the best. I know i said I was a lesbian. I've always liked girls and have had many girl crushes, but I feel like he's an acception. It might just be myself tricking me. I don't know, but when i say I love you to him and he says I love you to me.. i feel like.. he means it.. and i feel like i really do love him. He knows about my history and my issues and he's never left me. He's never judged me. He never hurt me. He never said bad words to me. He always comforted me. Made me fell safe, accepted, loved, clean, happy. He always makes me happy.

i'm feeling IT again, but i'm not going to do it, but it hurts. sometimes there's this heartache i feel when i think about the people i've loved and lost and left and have. it hurts to know that one day.. nevermind.. i'm going to sleep again, to forget.

a few days ago She messaged me. i ended things with her a while ago and im regretting it. i feel like i was the toxic one. i feel like i was the one using her. i feel like i hurt her. i feel like a monster god damn it! i am not okay. it hurts, everything fucking hurts. i want to escape my mind, my foolish selfish mind. my good for nothing personality. what if i'm the toxic person in the group? i feel like im part of the reason people feel miserable. i hate myself. i am so damned selfish. i feel like escaping, but i can't make anymore selfish wishes. i have to stop being a selfish monster. i need to stop beingblike this. i have to change before i hurt someone else. i want to give up so badly...

whats the point if im going to disapear in the end anyways? nobody would remember me. nobody would care.. even if someone did.. i would still be forever alone in this shit hole of a mind

i am starting this new decade with a BANG! i am going somewhere, very far, very bright or dark or nothing, i will be gone for a long time. i will maybe check up. i might not. i might survive, i might not, i might give up half way, i might not, i am running away to a place unknown to man with a soul. i will meet people, i might not. i might come back i might not. i might put the nossle in my mouth, i might not. i might wear the beautiful necklace. i might not. i might carve a sculpture out of me, i might not. i might fly, i might fall or i might stay on the ground. i might die or i might live.

Life is a gamble, some people play right, some wrong, either way, we all perrish in the end.

This might be my last goodbye, or it might just be the beggining.

I am unable to love properly, because i lie too kuch to those i love. So goodbye the old me, let's see where future me will go. how far? how wide? how long?

Goodbye my sweet sweet darlings. May we see each other again in the other side or sooner.