My diary

Heyyyyyy

i wasnt able to get myself a 9un

i wasnt able to dive into the water

i wasnt able to bring myself to the top of the stairs

i wasnt able to carve myself

i wasnt able to buy a necklace without being suspicious

i wasnt able to sleep

i wasnt able to stay under

i wasnt able to leave

i am going to see a therapist tomorrow

shes the mom of a friend

L knows about my stuff (most of it)

she told her mother to talk with me

her moms gone through something similar

im going to start writing a book

i lent my ukulele to my friend

i almost died in NYC (sadly)

i am living

or am i?

i feel like a living ghost

im here but also not here

im questionning

i want to be here, but at the same time i dont

i want help, but i also dont want it

this time i forced myself to go

i wasnt able to dissapear

so what gives?

aaaahhh.. i feel like self-hurting

im tired i wanna sleep

i cant sleep

im a little scared of heights and the monster in my basement

i want to live in my imagination

it seems like a better place

but its also my head

which is a very dark place

ah what am i doing?

bye bye

I feel likepeople hate me or dislike me. I keep saying that im going to do IT but i never succeded. I really want to go. Not all wished or dreams come true. My head is a flood of thoughts good and bad. I still feel miserable even after talking with Ls mom. It does take time though. I want to sh or just leave. Im not going to do it though i have gym class tmr. I hate myself

i feel myself slipping away further and further into my mind and out of reality

I, Lili, pledge a moral oath before my fellow community members, making them my witnesses, that I read and understood the community guidelines and ensure its compliance during my stay at 7Cups.

I will treat my fellow members and listeners with compassion, patience, open-mindedness, and being non-judgmental.

I will stay respectful of everyone I encounter in the community.

I understand as a community we are here to provide and seek support.

I will be thoughtful and compassionate in my conversations.

I will use the proper channels to escalate any concerns facing during my stay in the community.

I will be open to learning from others and sharing my experiences and learning with them to grow as a community together.

I will take ownership of my own behavior in the community and understand how I will react to any situation that is my choice.

I will follow the community guidelines and support each other in building the community better for everyone.

HappyLili291125
19/01/2020

Woooo!!! Im still alive yayyyy...

I hate myself, I went to my friend

while i was away, i learned a few ways to feel alive. i've started drinking a bit. learned this method of sh which consists of slapping yourself with rubber bands. shoving my face in snow helps sometimes. it's winter now in canada. i have these scars on my arm that aren't coming off. so i'll have to buy some concealer.

i can't tstop thinking about the girl at the party, she was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo awesome and cool and outgoing. The total opposite of me really. I hope she'll be there when my friend does her anual pool party this summer. I can't wait. My friend and I are going to the movies tommorow to watch Harley Quinn: Birds of prey. I think it'll be interesting. She and I have been friends for so long now and I love her dearly as a sister. Shes one of the people whom i told about in here. She's the one whos mom met with me and we talked. She's a really great person honestly. I've been thinking on getting back with my fwb of finding a new one. I kind of need a disctraction right now. I don't want to go back to selh-harm or drinking. I'm honestly trying to stop, I've been a week clean acctually. I really want to have a girlfriend, someone to talk to at night, someone to say goodmorning and goodnight to, someone to love and to be loved by someone.but i guess that won't be working out any time soon, i'm too ugly really.

kinda need someone to talk to right now

i aked him to tell me about his and his dead girlfriends past, how they met and stuff. and the more he talks about her, then more i understand why he chose her over me. I was too rough around the endges, was too mean and selfish and am too emotional in times and not enough all the time. i was too much and too little. they had a better realtionship than we would ever have or had. she truly loved him and he did too. im sorry that i was jealous when he talked about her after she died. we're not together anymore because i knew that he loved her more and i let them be together, because i knew she would make him happier than i could ever. she died a few days after they made it official. it broke me that i was a second choice, but usually always am so i managed to move on. when i heard she was dying, i was really really pissed. i though how could you do this to him? and me? i gave him to you so that you could make him happy. then i realized i was being selfish. i didn't want my pain to be in vain. so i suported him through his loss, even after he tried to d1e. It was all online. they met here on 7 cups and i met him here too. i never got to meet her, i wish i could have, she sounded like a great person.

I knew that moment when his brother messaged me through his instagram, that he tried to d1e, that i could never be and never was good enough to make him stay. She was his only reason for living, i didn't matter, because now that she is gone and he has caught the coronavirus, he is simply waiting for his death to come.

it pains me to know that i will and always have been a second option to people