My diary

"Some mistakes get made, that's all right, that's okay. You can think that you're in love, when you're really just in pain."

-Moral of the story by Ashe

i'm really using this time of isolation to reflect on the people that are currently in my life. And I've realised how much I cared for this guy. He really helped me a lot and he made me happy, despite our ups and downs. But good things don't always last forever do they? I fall in love way too easily, and it's really hard to try and lose those feelings.

He caught the coronavirus and I am worried for him. Because I still really really like him. He's a great guy, well i don't really know anymore, but I know that he had his reasons. He needed to take his mind off the bad things that happened to him and I was there. I still really really do love him. I know I said I was a lesbian, but I think that I could be bisexual. He is though, the only guy I've ever fallen for. Maybe i am desperate and wanted someone to love. I know that I am in pain, before and after i met him. I always in pain really, but it's okay.

I am in pain, to be honest, but I know I'll come back up... at some point

it's hard to type when you have tears in your eyes..

ever feel like you have to blow up? or like burst out all your emotions? but you can't because you know it'll bother other people and your family will send you somewhere because of your destructive behaviour? i can be destructive, i have imagined burning all my belongings, then myself...

i can't.. he's dying

I broke up with him. He didn't treat me well.. It was the last time I talked to him. I couldn't take the pain anymore. The longer he was sick, the more his attitude changed. No matter what I did, I couldn't help him. He first was playing with me and things escalated, I got hurt.. really hurt and I left. His brother messaged me to get back with him and help him. I told him that I tried and tried and tried.. nothing I did could help him. We even sexted to at least relieve some of that pain. He didn't seem to get better. Nothing was making him happy. I tried and tried and tried and after all that.. I always got hurt. Nobody could help him like his dead girlfriend did. He.. he said he loved me.. and that he is trying. He said that all the schooling he was doing was for me... I didn't know what to do...

I am too toxic for him and he hurt me so so so much every day.. every time we talked.. it may have been online, but words can really hurt me. I had to leave and block him. I had to protect myself from getting hurt again.. I had no choice.. I needed to get out of that situation before I hurt myself.. I was too late from myself though. I tried helping him, which resulted into me getting hurt. He tried guilt tripping me to stay with him.. like the other times.. but despite those words I had to leave.

I needed to protect myself from getting hurt again.. I only have my walls open for nobody but myself...

I will never let myself get hurt again.. not anymore, even if it means blocking everyone else in my life.

Its been a while huh? Im sorry.. I dont really have mush to say, but I guess I have a memory.

I remember when I first told my friend L about my problems, the friend with benefit and my now ex. She asked me if this was all for attention. I forgot what I responded to her with, but I do remember feeling like I had fallen. Like the ground underneath me collapsed.

Sometimes I think that maybe I am just an attention seeker, but am just oblivious to it. Maybe I am overthinking things. Maybe my psychologist was right and I should look more onto the brightside and be happy. Maybe I should be more grateful for having parents, because not many kids have parents. Even if mine arent nice to me when theyre mad and I deserve to be punished. Maybe I deserve the bad things, so I can make up for my mistakes and bad doings. Maybe its just how I am supposed to be.

sometimes I drown in my own thiughts and do bad things and am just not good to my friends. Sometimes i just feel nothing as if Im floating but not feeling anything. As if im in the void and just existing.

Im nothing, but a worthless thing on earth taking up space that someone worthy should take. I wish I wasnt here so that someone better could exist. Not like many people would care if I left, because everyone will forget at some point and I will be forgotten.

I'm just tired of everything at this point.

Tired of everything and everyone.

I need to leave or dissapear...

I'm tired

My dearest anonymous,

I know I fucked up many times and I'm a whole mess, but I hope that in the end you'll still be with me despite my efforts to push you away and dissapoint you. Despite all the shit i do and say. all the mistakes I will do and have done. i jst don't want to be the only one standing alone in the battlefield of my mind. i don't want to lose a war all alone. i dont want to be alone.... so please.. no matter what.. don't leave me..

-Isa

hihi! I relapsed a few days ago and i feel like sh*t. Dad got mad again and almost broke a bottle of soap and mom secluded herself in the room. I feel too stressed and Mel and I are planning our demise. school has been too stressful for me and i hate it. i keep procrastonating and doing things i shouldn't be doing. I'm not being a good daughter and i know i am selfish for bringing mel with me down the rabbit hole. i'm sorry for being mean and slefish and wanting things to end so soon. I really just want to wrap my arms with the red thin yarn that leaks the pretty crimson liquid, but i can't. im sorry i'm weak