My diary

2019/10/26 6:21pm

I feel as if i've failed my friend, i was tired the whole day and didn't want to do anything, even if she was at my house and i invited her. i feel like i'm loosing.. i feel as if things are going to collapse sooner or later.. i don't thunk i'll be here fir long.. i feel as if i'm going to dissapoint those i love and myself... i feel like there's no point on swimming... the only reason i still am is because i have things to do... i keep feeling his hand holding my wrists tightly... i.. sometimes.. at night... hear him and feel him... on me or behind me... i wake up at like 2 am with cold sweat and tears flowwing out of me.. i always see the prints he left on me... the little hidden scars on my torso.. his nails.. like little smiles, that the people around us bore as i was f*cked over and over again.. I'm so weak.. goodbyes..

Some people make you feel worthless. It all started with my dad, then my highschool classmates, and now it is co-workers. I obtained a bachelors degree late in life because I thought I was stupid and now my co-workers treat me like I am. How can I change this situation?

2019/11/02 12:25pm

it's been a while hasn't it? i've become friends with benefits with someone i met online. i want to get over 'Her' so i just got him as my friend. on the first day.. well night.. we were 'sexting'? i'm not sure if you'd call it that.. i was just telling him what to do and i guess i got turned on a bit? i don't really know.. maybe i'm bisexual?? i'm not too sure.. i mean i don't like the guy as a crush, but as a friend, but i'm turned on by him? i really don't know.. we met online and we just talk through instagram. today's the 3rd day and i told one of my other online friends, he's like a brother to me (i mean the online friend) he really cares about me. we talk to each other about our issues.. i told him mostly everything i think.. he's a good guy.. i didn't show my face to anyone. nobody online. i never would, unless they see me in real life. that's the only time they'll see my face. there's also this other guy.. we met here on 7 cups (like the others) and my friends think that he's weird. I told them about him. (my gang of girls not anyone online) they told me that he might be making me feel bad for him so that he can manipulate me to do stuff for him in the future. i don't really know what to think really.. i'm really lost right now. 'She' asked to hang out Sunday, but i declined.. i really want to tell her that we shouldn't be friends anymore, 'cause it's not working out. we don't talk much anymore and i'm always the one checking up on her.. but my aunt's coming over and my mom wants me to 'entertain' her.. we barely talk.. my blood relatives don't feel like my family... i don't tell them anything, i don't feel close to them.. i don't like it when they touch me.. The only family i have is my gang.. been through thick and thin together, but i never told them about my thoughts and experiences. i feel like one day i'll break, but not today.. no not soon.. I'm going to Sweden fron November 11th to 22nd.. with my relatives (mom, dad and brother) there will be a lot of yelling and arguing.. i guarantee it.. welp i have to go now. Goodbyes..

7:17pm 2019/11/03

I have no reason to continue sailing this ship. I'd crash it at any moment if i could, but i am not going to. I have 6 people in my life that are my guidance. They are the reason this paper boat is still fighting through the wild waves of the ocean. My gang, my sisterhood, my family. they are my family. We are not blood related, but we are unified by our souls. It's as if there was a group of people who are like your soulmates, but you all aren't soul mates. I'd do anything for my gang. I'm living for them. They are my reason, my sanity, my life. They brign life into me. I am nothing but a hollow shell, a useless paper boat without them. I have a use. I am useful to 6 people. I'd go to war if it ment protecting my gang. I'd even hurt anyone, if they told me to do so. I'd give them the last scrap of food, if we we're dying from hunger. I'd put my life at risk if it ment that they would be safe. Lavender... i cannot lose them, no matter what. If even one of them were to dissapear... i'd venture every single nook and crany this world has. I'd kill to have them back, sane and safe. My life, they hold my leash. they hold the leash that ties me to this ground. I am nothing without them... goodbyes..

2019/11/05 5:52pm

Lavender.. he told me that he'd never leave me.. never because of my past.. he said that he would always be there for me, but it's been 2 days and he hasn't responded.. my friend that i met here and who i became friends with benefits with. I told him about last summer and i regret it.. i should be used to being lied to, but it still damn hurts.. i want it out.. i want to forget everything we've done with each other.. the pictures we sent to each other.. i never showed him my face, only my body.. in clothes of course.. i thought that he wouldn't leave me.. but it's been a while and he hasn't responded.. this isn't going well.. i can't stop thinking about him.. it's like it was the same situation as when i was still friends with 'Her'.. why does it hurt? i've been hurt and lied to so many times so why the he11 does it hurt? why am i like this? why has everything come to this? ah.. it's because of what i prayed to God in church... i told him to take care and keep safe and give hope to those that i love and care about.. even people here on 7 cups.. this is my payment i'm guessing? I'll take it.. I'll take the hurt, if it means people are getting better.. ahh.. i'm always sacrificing myself for others.. but what am i even useful for anyways? I have no meaning.. i guess i feel useful now.. i still doubt that i'm forgiven for the sins i have commited in the past... i doubt i ever will.. goodbyes lavender..

2019/11/06 2:03am

i'm at my breaking point. i'm seriously going downwards... i need help, but everyone leaves at some point. i'm tired of hoping someone will listen, stay and help. but everyone leaves at some point. i've already lost the battle.. im just waiting.. im tired of being like this. im tired of false hope. im tired of acting strong in front of people. im tired of being the protector in the gang. im so tired of acting in this play.. i want the play to end. i want to crumble into pieces and have someone care for me, but that will never happen. if i go down. ill be going alone. people leave and have left me.. im losing myself as well.. the old me.. im losing it. i dont remeber the good memories. if i even had any.. i dont feel okay with my friends anymore.. i feel myself pulling away.. inch by inch..i probably will.. one day.. bye for now i guess..

2019/11/09 12:31am

the unspoken goodbyes have hurt me the most.

the silence in our messages has hurt me the most.

being left alone in my mind was the worst kind if torture.

the thoughts are the heaviest chains.

i am the one who will destroy me the most.

my goodbyes have never been good... they're only the last word i'll say before i go poof.

my mind is my prison.

i have no escape.

i am alone.

i am sad.

i am empty.

i am nothing.

i am just human... a destroyed human. torn to smithereens.

i a m n o t o k a y

i don't like me. i want a different me. i don't like the me of right now. i want someone to love the good me. the happy, bubbly, caring, loving me. not the broken, stupid, foolish, ugly, disgusting, hateful, dishonest me. i want someone to see through me, yet i don't. i want someone to tell me that they love me. all sides of me. yet i don't, 'cause i know that it'll be another person who i'll hurt or/and get hurt by. in the end.. its either i leave or they leave before me.. i don't want another person to die because of me.. not again..

2019/11/10 12:34am

i cant cry anymore

the heartache is the only thing i feel

i dont like being by myself, but i somehow always end up a l o n e

i warned my friend about my thoughts.. we're tearing apart..

im back with my fwb. we sext and he send me pictures.. i feel like a slut

i despise myself

i hate and love all that i am

it so hard to breathe

so hard to talk

so hard to cry

so hard to feel anything but broken

but its so easy to smile

to act

to laugh

to act normal

to look energetic and okay

i a m n o t o k a y

i a m s a d

i a m b r o k en

i a m d y i n g i n s i d e

2019/11/12 2:01pm

i ended things with my fwb. i blocked him and i don't feel anything. i knew this wouldn't last long. he's way older than me and i'm still technically a minor. I am glad i ended things with him. i told my friend L about our relationship and she was happy that we ended things. she knows about some of my issues, but i didn't tell where they came from or what happened to me. i don't think i'll ever be able to tell her or any of the gang about what happened to me. my 'friendship' with 'Her' wasn't good. i told her everything. this was before last summer. I told her about my issues 3 years ago. and we don't talk anymore. if we do, it's because i'm the one checking in on her. i miss her.. i really do and it hurts. it's been 3 fucking years and i still can't get over her.. i'm such a loser. When i'm with my gang i always act like the strong, independant, untouchable, protector leader. but i just want someone to hold me like a baby.. i want someone to give me fore head kisses like i give my gang. i want someone to care for me, but i don't want them seeing my dark side. I don't want anyone knowing what happened to me. I know i can just come here, because no one i know goes here. no one i know personally. I don't care if people online see what the hell kind of shit happens to me, but if one of my gang knows.. i'll just break down at they're feet. if someone were to ask me how i am feeling right now, staight in the eyes with a stern face, i'd probably break down at they're feet. I'm an actress really. the main characters in my movie are my gang. i feel like a side character, but also the main character. I hate this i really do. i hate the shit i do to myself. it pisses the fuck off me. i just want to redo my life entirely. Make sure to make myself good decisions, take back the shit i said and have done. do better and be happier. but that will never happen. sometimes i wonder how i'm still here..