My diary

hey.. i wanna go poof

don't be surprised if i stop coming here to 7 cups.

i just hope this time it'll work

you know.. sometimes it's weird that i find myself zoning out. I'll find myself doing something and the next second, i'm doing something else. i forget a lot. i can't find myself concentrating on anything and i'm tired 24/7. i always get these bad gut feelings and stuff like that.

then there's 'PrideFall' and i fear for my safety and sanity. then there's the protesting and riots and i just want all this to end. i want people to accept others like they are. to stop the oppression. to end this corrupted society. to just open the eyes of oppressors and make them see that BLACK LIVES MATTER! LGBTQ+ PEOPLE ARE HUMANS TOO! HUMAN RIGHTS EXIST! PEOPLE OF COLOUR ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOU! HUMAN RIGHTS ARE APPLIED TO ALL HUMANS!

I am tired of everyone's bullsh*t. I am tired of this corrupt society. I am tired of the government not doing anything to fix this the right way! I am tired of standing down! I am tired of NOT DOING ANYTHING! I am tired of everyone and everything!

But I feel like I need to stay so that I can support others and the protestors. I feel like I need to stay so that the future genrations get a better future and don't have to live through these events! I may not live in the USA, but I live in Canada and here it's no better. Protestors have been maced, shot with rubber bullets, pepper sprayed and gassed. I am tired of all this.

swear warning, because i am tired of everyone's bullshit

i really just want to dissapear, yet at the same time I want to do something about this bullshit world. So i'm never really entirely waishing for my own demise, but I would still take the chance if given. Yeah i know, what kind of messed up shit is that? honeslty i am tired of myself. like what the fuck do you want lily?! *sighs* I'm just tired of everything right now.

My insomnia

me and one of my friends are in a a bad place right now and we're so close to just leaving..

im so so so tired

you know.. sometimes it's just so fucking tempting to just off myself, but i don't do it. well i tried a few times, never succeded. anyways i keep wondering whats the point on going on when my death wont affect anyone? like im already a stranger to my family and my friends have their own friend groups and pets to cope with their problems. i am unecessary. just existing. im just tired of trying to stay happy and trying to continue on. all i ever do is hurt people or burden them. sure many people care, but in the end, i always end up hurting or dissapointing them, one way or the other. i just don't want to continue feeling like this. julia said i should get some medicine to fix my sleeping scheduel. mel says i need to continue eating even if the sight of food makes me gag. my brother keeps trying to make me eat with the rest of the family and my parents.. well.. they're just there.

i can't do anything right. no matter what i do, i always mess it up. i just want to leave and not bother anyone anymore... never again...

mel's parents hate me because i'm gay. they think I'm a bad influence too. they think i'm crazy and psychotic when i talked to her through text about my parent's abuse. i never thought it would hurt, but now that it's settled in, it really does fucking hurt. god dammit... i just really want to off myself, maybe then, people would be happier.

hi, im making a little comfort box for one of my friends. Mel's been going through a lot right now, so i'm planning on making her a collection of tapes of reccordings of some nice comfort words when she feels down. Then, making some plushies of octopus cats, bunnies and maybe puppies. I'll probably add some of my artwork too.

I feel like i'm going to do something that will hurt a lot of people in the future, so I want her to have it for if she ever misses me or needs some comfort during hard times.

I'll do my best, I promise.

um hey, it's my birthday today... i... i spent it with my friends well 2 of them... we had a pic nick at my favourite spot and had pizza as dinner at one of their houses... but mom hasn't spoken to me for the whole day and dad left to go with his friends. my brother and grandma were the only ones who greeted me today. to be honest i'm pretty sad we didn't do anything together, but i guess it's partially my fault... we're not having a cake or a family dinner... I'm going to walk mel's dog with julia later on though. so that's nice... still kind of sad about my family, but it's okay... I'm guessing there will be more instances where this'll happen in the future, i just have to get used to it right? yeah... okay well take care and stay safe, to whoever reads this i guess... bye

um hey, so a few months back, i met a girl online and her parents are shitty like mine.. i uh... i ended up really liking her and we're meeting for the second time tomorrow, though I don't know if I'll follow through with the plans... im not in a good place right now, but i'll try, for her, 'cause she's really sweet and kind and pretty and just perfect and beautiful in all ways possible. she's just so amazing and a literal angel.. haha.. i feel like a lovestruck loser... im going to get my heart broken again huh?