My diary

i ended up chickening out and didn't talk to anyone... sorry

i messed up, i messed up real fucjing bad

i'm such an unreliable friend...

fucking hate myself

is it possible to accidentally overdose on caffeine/energy drinks?

I had 3 cups of coffe last night and 2 monster energy drinks today... my body feels weird

lately i've been thinking about how i am as a friend. i don't think i'm a good/hea;thy one for my friends.

it feels like i'm only using mel to copy homework from and rant about my issues to. of course i let her rant to me and copy my work too, but it feels like i do it too much and i rely on her too much too... whenever i let her copy my work or help her with anything, it doesn't feel enough to repay her for dealing with me.

earlier my friend L messaged me, she said i that when i hit her playfully it hurt too much and was too nervous to tell me about it. what if that's what my other friends or more like aquaintaces now... we don't talk much anyore.. i think i'm a bad friend...

tonight might have been the best night of my life. so you know the girls i've been writing here about? yeah I confessed to her and it ends up she's also been trying to give me hints that she likes me too! after some tears and laughter through text, we officialized it and became girlfriends ^^ i'm really happy right now despite the stressful week. she's really an amazing person inside and out. really pretty and so god damn strong its so admirable and beautiful. I loved her for so long already and she loves me too ^^ I'm really happy This feels like a dream, i hope its not, but if it is, i never want to wake up from it ever.

i've been thinking a lot about the relationship my girlfriend and I have established and i have a lot of fears about it and how it can go. i've also been wating to get a diagnosis on my mental health, I know I have generalized anxiety, said by my old psychologist, but i feel like its more than that. Today I went to one of the school counselors I trust and who's helped me before and asked if we could talk again. She said she was free on thursday and asked if i could wait until then. I said yes and she's going to call me down at some point in one of my classes. My girlfriend and best friend have been coaxing me to get some real help for my trauma and issues and stuff, and I guess i'm really desperate to not go back into my 'cycle zone' where I was for the past 2 years and only recently got moderately better. I hope this goes well, i want to get better.

I managed to sleep at around 9pm! but i woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't check the time anywhere :/ They took my phone and i guess my pc too once i fell asleep, listening to music. My online classes start in 2 hours, i have a lotta time just for myself ^^

the school counselor i wanted to see was unavailable the days i had irl school. so i gave up. she'll call me from class when she can i guess, i dunno. it's too tiring and i have other things to worry about

Been a while hasn't it? Close to 2 weeks i think.

sighs

mel and i are too similar and too depressed

i fear she might die soon because of her depression...

my girlfriend is really sweet. we're both really frustrated right now because of covid. the only time we got to have a fully funtional understanding and healthy relationship was during a pandemic, where we can't see each other at all.

but we hope it'll lessen so that at least the restaurants will be open by february so we can have a valentines date together.

i miss her...

insomnia really is getting worse and my parents are putting more pressure on my studies and grades

mel and i joke a lot about our de*ths and sometimes it feels like shes not joking...

that by the time new year comes... i wont have my best friend/platonic soulmate with me anymore...

i hope my guts are wrong... i dont want to be alone