My letter to you

I'm writing this here, as I feel that putting pen to paper and then just tearing it up or burning it will not bring the closure I need, at least if this is online then there is a chance that you may see it, that you may realize this is about you. At the same time you may not see it and you may not think it is about you.

When I think back to when I believe this feeling of depression and abandonment started, I think it's because of you. You were supposed to be my best friend, there for me when I needed you, as I was with you but I just wasn't. I was there only when you needed me and you didn't care how I felt. You didn't care that you made me feel invisible and you do not know that summer when you changed was very nearly my last. Two people helped me without realizing it and surprisingly one of those two lead to the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Everything was always about you, you had to be in control of everything - who I was allowed to fancy, who I was allowed to be friends with. You were toxic. It took a lot to escape you, and I was surprised by the people who supported me after, and how happy I was allowed to be.

I met the most important thing to me just after getting rid of you, so here I must say thank you. If you hadn't treated me like you did then maybe I wouldn't have met him. At that point everything was great, I had a fantastic boyfriend and supportive friends.

But you managed to bring yourself back into my life, you made everyone feel sorry for you even thought you alienated those around you. You saw I was happy and you couldn't see that I was happier without you. I dealt with it like a mature person but you didn't change. I had to invite you to my 18th but you still made it about you. You spent the day complaining about people not wanting to take photos with you, when it was my day. I had thought that you may have changed, but after that day I knew that you never could. I spent the rest of the school year counting down the days until I never had to see you again.

I was happy on that last day of school, knowing that you were truly out of my life, but somehow I still have not been able to let go completely. I will be honest, I do blame you for my depression, my inability to trust and to open up to others. I am scared of being hurt. Eight years into my relationship with my boyfriend and I still don't feel good enough. He saw you for what you were and he supports me every single day.

I may not be exactly where I want to be today, but I am getting there and I am doing it my way. Depression did not help when I was going to university - I struggle meeting new people. I have this bad habit of bottling what I am really feeling up and not being able to cope, I often question my actions and worry about the outcome but I am learning how to manage.

Yes, I have been to counseling, and it did help. Before then I didn't know why I felt like this. I always had to say yes to you, and because of that I felt pressured into saying yes to everyone, even if it hurt me. I can now say no. I remember that day I said no to you. I remember you were surprised and you got upset. Was it because someone finally stood up to you? Was it because I stood up to you? Did it make you realize that you couldn't control me anymore?

If you've read this and worked out that this was about you, I hope you've changed in these past 8 years. I don't care if you want to get in touch to apologize because coming from the person I knew, I couldn't trust it to be sincere. The best thing you could do would be to change, treat those who know you now differently and with respect. Don't use petty techniques to control people, if you continue to treat people how you treated me then you will be left alone.

As I started writing this, I didn't think that I would be able to say this but I wish you all the best in your new engagement and I hope it works out for you. I may have felt resentful when I first found out, that you were and I am not, however I know that I am in a better place. We are doing things our way and we both want to be in a stable job where we can afford the wedding we want. We know that we are going to last so what is the point in rushing into it?

All the best from that shy little girl you once knew