My little rant zone

I have like a whole month to catch you all up or just give records for maybe just me but it makes me feel better

So I finally broke up with my partner, it was a kinda toxic relationship from both sides (mostly mine tho) but that's expected in a middle school relationship, right? Anyway we talked about it with the school councilor because I can't communicate without an adult in the room and we agreed to be amicable, but apparently not so when we had to get partners in gym we were the only people left and they just kinda avoided eye contact and then went to ask the teacher is walking was an option, and that kinda made me hurt and mad because I wanted to participate in the game, but they messed up the canch to do that, and I'm still mad at them. Yeah I'm pretty sure I was the problem cuz even their stims were annoying me so bad that I wanted to punch them.

Our musical went pretty ok, thanks to @Jeffreythebunny for wishing my luck

Umm I don't know what else happened during that time. Oh I had a huge depressive episode after the musical that I'm only just getting out of, I kinda crashed and burned after I didn't have constant stress pushing me through everything and now I have a 70 in ela so that will really disappoint like everybody in my family which sucks but I wouldn't have this problem if I just *** got my *** together

Oh I'm 15 now and I didn't want to have a party with my friends because I wasn't really on good terms with one so that was really messing up the status quo, and the only person I wanted to celebrate with is @princetomyanxiety but they were having problems with their friends and went through a breakup and is going to Washington DC for spring break and I won't get to see them for like forever and that really sucks because when we do manage to get together it won't feel like a birthday celebration because it'll have been at least 4ish weeks and we've each been dealing with so much *** these past few weeks and I can't really talk to them because Google chat got blocked all of a sudden.

I think I just need a really good cleansing cry so that's what I'm trying RN but sad songs aren't working, and I don't have my friends easily accessible to say nice things to me and make me think about why they still stick with me even if I don't fit with them sometimes

My mom started yelling at my dad, because she wanted ice cream and she didn't want to drive, so he offered to drive, and then she said that she wasn't going to order it and that's when she started yelling. so me and my younger brother got skittish around her and we both went to hide in our rooms, cleaned mine for 45 minutes and organized my book shelves and I can also see my floor now, but that means I have to do more laundry and put away the rest of it.

In other news I got my hair cut today and I'm going to get my ears pierced tomorrow.

@peincetomyanxiety

I *** miss you already

I mean more than normal, as I've been missing you since the musical

@Iamspoons

Does this work

Apparently it stopped notifying me dude I’m so fricking sorry I haven’t seen any of this

I just need attention. And I will manipulate people into doing that. Even this is kinda a ploy. I'll say things that will make people say things that they probably don't mean, but I put the on the spot and I know how they will react but I say it anyway. I can't figure out if I want all of you to see this or for it to remain hidden, never mind I do know. I want you all to see this and keep paying attention to me, but the good thing for you to do would be to leave me cuz I'm just faking it all. *** I'm doing it again. Saying *** that makes me have "imposter syndrome" I'm not, I'm just a *** loser. I'm not going to @ you guys, but when this shoots up to the top cus it's got the most recent post, you'll probably find it. Just ignore it. I'm being pushy, ik I did that last year at camp and I'm scared I'll do it again. Cuz I *** love you but you aren't comfortable with that, and I shouldn't be saying this cuz If you read it you'll know and I'll probably lose the only friend that I don't want to push away. Oh yeah I'm pushing away all my friends when I go back to school if I can manage it. I probably can't cuz I'm a *** coward. But I need to cuz they're all still friends with my ex. And that *** wreaks all my happy memories. Cus like the last three years ( almost, I'm coming up on the aniversy soon) all have the sour note of that relationship, and we'd been friends for so long I don't remember meeting them. So that taints like almost my whole life.

I'm sorry for the long rambly ***. But I'm not gonna change it cuz if its a mess then maybe people won't put in the effort

***

All my fun *** is being invaded.

Pep band actually kinda sucks, cuz I can't see in front of me, and it used to be a small group like 10 to 15. We had *** 37 people.

Art, my ex is there.

Drama club, my ex is there. Also some of my friends who don't have any self preservation skills or situational awareness. And in the smaller acting class, it's no longer just fun little games, it's whole like lessons. I didn't come here to just do jonsen file and the a b scripts., I came here to play spaghetti and bus stop.

And over the summer, I forgot that nobody at school likes me. Lol

I also took on some responsibilities, like cit and babysitting for a bit, and it's making me be responsible for people I shouldn't be responsible for.

I've only got like one friend that is reliably there for just, normal conversations, and he's saying he wants to kinda draw back so he can't get hurt by losing another person close to him. I feel like I've just lost all the people I care about, but not in a way that others understand, I can't grieve these people because they're still here.

I'm so *** tired and I just need to cry.