My mental health or his physical health

I wrote this in my journal or sorts, I don't like reading them till the season of my life has passed (it's a way to put what's in my head and heart to paper and make sense of it and reading it while I'm going through it hurts) so I'm sure there are spelling errors so please ignore that but for some reason I want to put it on here.

Ive reasntly been not talking to grams, I don't even want to call her mommy because it doesn't feel approperat anymore, it almost feels wrong. This choice has helped me grow so much, I'm happier, I don't feel like someone is watching over my shoulder and overall anger/'negative energy' has taken a drastically smaller part of my life. This then has made it so I grow a lot more but on the same token she is blaming this on daddy when it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with her.

This direction to ignore her really started from hearing what she said to nini, then she ignored me becomes I wouldn't let her eat my salad once ignored me I started to do the same but I play the ignoring game way better then anyone but at some point I noticed a change and I realized I liked how my life was going without her being a big daily part. then I started to think about everything and I realized I didn't want that in my life but I also came to the realization that she is mentally ill and not on a I'm trying to be mean way but genualy mentily ill. I also started to think of all my dark days, the first time I attmented, the time that I almost did it, I thought about how different my life was in SF and home and I realized she was the catalyst. I thought about all the conversations I had with her, about how I was feeling, and all the times she proved she didn't care about any of my feelings. Shes the catalyst to my worst days, I almost did it cus of her and she will never understand that nor recognize it. My family doesn't like that I don't tell them much but its cus I've seen how they used info and prefer not to give them the tools they need to use it like that once more.

This is all to say that I am completely ok with how things are now but she blames daddy, I want her to come to me and ask me whats up then have a real conversation but I know shes not capable of that. I also know that if I don't speak to her daddy health my get impacted so I have to chose my mental health or daddys phical health. The choice is clear but I'm scared, what if I actually due it. Right now I know better but in the moment I cant think past the next second let alone have perspective. What if she pushes me and I snowbal and I do it. A voice inside of me says then it'll be for the better, the old inner thoughts say 'we know its going to happen one day' 'at least no one truly cares' 'you aren't meant to be here that long that's why you havent had your first kiss let alone bf'. Im scared that all this progress I'm making, all of this may mean nothing once I start talking to her. I have to do it though, for daddy. Ill try to set some boundrys, have a conversation to set things clear (even if she cant understand it), ill try not to put my mental health at stake. Im scared but ill be better, ill do better, I will walk away when I feel/hear her react in ways I know is bad for me. I know I wont be perfect so i know I may have bad days, some may be really bad but I'm changing my life and if she hast to play a pivotal part of it then I will make it clear I'm not the person I was a few months ago. Ive been warning her for sometime that I may get to a place where I don't want to speak to her, i never realized how close i am to it. Knowing she may not understand ill lay everything down and move farwred from there.