Needless Ramblings by Frustrated Intellectual

@intellectual5402

I think the value of a conversation has to do with emotional ties to that particular person. By sharing a similar experience can become a way to bridge a gap between us and the rest of the world. It is to get us to think outside of our limits and process what is happening around us on a deeper level than our other senses. It takes a lot of mental effort to achieve sometimes but it is rewarding when you've become able to see through a different lense.

So, I am in a more positive frame of mind tonight. Given that I went to a writing group, etc., I feel rather amused. I don't know about what. But just amused in general.

It's fine, I don't have to say what I'm amused about. Maybe amused is the wrong word. I don't know.

I think perhaps the right word may be perplexed. Or bemused. But those words are like the opposite of how I feel.

Life is a labyrinth though. I mean it is.

One time I mispronounced labyrinth and people laughed out loud at me. I have never mispronounced it since.

I don't know what the substance of life is. Perhaps it's friendship. Perhaps it's love. Meaning perhaps, too.

Journal for today:

I need to take better care of myself. That is true. I feel like reality gets to me sometimes. This is true in the way that things just stress me out unnecessarily. Or at least I feel like it's unnecessarily that things stress me out. Maybe it's for a reason.

That is it.

Struggling today with the thoughts about psychiatrists and therapists, etc. You know, I don't think a single one of them has actually been remotely helpful to me in the past. Just a capitalist myth. I don't know, the fact that you have to pay one of them for their services. That sounds lame to me. Honestly, that's where I'm coming from today.

I was extremely frustrated earlier.

Well, taking my meds again.

So that's good.

I had talked about self-care before. Well, taking my meds includes that.

@intellectual5402

Sorry for the lateness of my response relative to when this thread was originally created.

Zen

I appreciate what you're describing where there's this hypothetical, almost deified sort of 'Zen' that is supposed to be absolutely good. And yet when you apply it, things go badly and it becomes something a bit coercive/punitive. :) I'd like to think that a compassionate or balanced Zen teacher wouldn't go around forcing or pressuring someone with an attitude of "You must be mindful/present--OR ELSE".

I don't like things that masquerade or pretend to be healthy but actually feel miserable. And then it's like, "Well, you're just messed up for not benefitting from it." I don't agree with that. I feel like the problem is just that people and the world are really complicated, and there probably isn't anything where it's as simple as "Just do [XYZ] 100% of the time without any attention to subtleties/exceptions and it'll solve everything." It's hard to think of anything that couldn't be corrupted or misapplied.

I feel like if I have a version of Zen I want to practice, it would be me having sensitivity or awareness of my own feelings insofar as it concerns me identifying or noticing when I'm pushing something onto myself that isn't right for me where it feels like I'm inflicting suffering on myself.

Fictionalizing

Something I remember reading about in association with schizophrenia (I think it maybe was R.D. Laing) was the idea of double-binds. Basically, chronic situations where you receive two competing demands that can't both be met. This thing you're describing with the doctors/therapists feels/sounds a bit crazy-making to me. These messages are completely contradictory:

1) "You don't give yourself enough credit. You need to trust yourself more. Stop being so hard on yourself. Stop thinking that your thoughts and feelings are make-believe or not worth trusting."

2) "You're just fictionalizing and making things up. What you have to say is fabrication, lies, and not trustworthy."

Even independently, both of those statements each feel a bit uncomfortable to me. (The second one especially, but even the first one feels to me like it has undertones of, "If you feel any self-doubt, then I'm going to punish you and tell you what a bad person you are and how wrong you are.") But when those two statements are combined, the juxtaposition becomes downright sinister :P I'd give these doctors credit if their goal was to make people sicker.

So yeah, I'm not really a fan of what they're doing based on what you're describing, and I'm sorry that that's happening.

And then it sort of feels like if you're going through that, then "Well yeah, of course I'm going to be really leery around other people, feel like what I have to say is not worth sharing, and completely doubt whether conversation or communication has any value or life-enhancing quality to it... if that's what I have to look forward to if I express myself."