No idea,,,

This still lingers in the back of my head.

It never truly goes away.

No matter how hard I try to make my peace with it.

I had heard recently of two suicides that happened close to my home. What I didn't realize is that they we're actually just one, and that it was a hell of a lot closer to me than I thought.

A former chapter member of mine lost her oldest to suicide a week ago. What I didn't realize is that this person was the same one that was in my sister's band class, which was how my family heard about it.

I had no idea how close this was to me. I had no idea how close it was to my sister. And it shakes me even more because I've had suicidal thoughts before, to the point where I came close to attempting suicide in my own bathroom. I've told my therapist about it, I've stayed calm, I've journaled, I've done all manner of things to keep my asshole of a brain from pushing me over the edge.

Some days it's not enough. Some days I feel like I'm staring at my own door. But there is no door handle. There is no way to open that fucking door. There is no way to get out.

I'm not writing this to seek attention. I'm writing this because I feel like this is one of the few outlets I feel comfortable with. I feel like I can never confide something like this to my family. It would break my mother's heart. It would snap my dad like a twig. It would forever destroy my sister from the inside.

But not every day is bad. I've improved a lot since then, I guess I'm just a lot more sensitive to these things than I used to be.

I get so tired of seeing people treat others like this. Direct or indirect. And it make me think of this quote in particular:

"People like to invent monsters and monstrosities. Then they seem less monstrous themselves. When they get blind-drunk, cheat, steal, beat their wives, starve an old woman, when they kill a trapped fox with an axe or riddle the last existing unicorn with arrows, they like to think that the Bane entering cottages at daybreak is more monstrous than they are. They feel better then. They find it easier to live.

Geralt of Rivia