N's diary
Hello everyone! I am thrilled a out finding this forum, I think its exactly what I need, a place to pour my thoughts and feelings a little bit randomly. I sometimes journal but it scares me to be alone with my feelings in the blank page. I believe I wont have this problem here, or at least the sensation will be smaller.
I hope I find some friends here, reachibg to other people is really hard for me, but I do feel I want and need to build new friendships ☺️
Thanks for been here
@sincerePlace8195
Hey hey N, welcome to the forum diary, feels strange though lol, I'm kinda welcoming the host in their own place xD hehe
I'm Sun, good to meet you! ❤
Journaling is a great practice indeed, but understandable it feels lonely with our feelings sometimes. I'm so glad you're reaching out for support in cups, trying this virtual diary, being open to meet people and make friends, all such brave steps, I must say!
I'm rooting for you, lovely! Good wishes always! ❤
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou Hi Sun! Nice too meet you!! thank you so much! you are my first answer in the app and it feels so warm reading your kind words 😊
@sincerePlace8195 aw yay I'm super happy to hear that! Looking forward to see you around! 😊
I am a native spanish speaker, so I will be sometimes writing in spanish and then translating, I am kind of fluent in english :p ¿ but I feel I can't think super fast in another language, so, that's it jaja, disclaimer.
Los últimos días se han sentido oscuros, creo que es la mejor palabra para describirlos. Incluso un día feliz tuvo su momento de oscuridad, y siento que es algo que viene de dentro, no de los hechos si no de mi respuesta ante ellos. Tuve una pequeña discusión con mi mamá, nuestra relación es muy compleja, y me pase el sábado entero sintiéndome una basura por ello, por la culpa pero también por la falta de empatía de su parte. El domingo fui testigo de un accidente, creo que aún no puedo hablar de ello, y aunque no fue algo que me afecte directamente me impacto, me hace sentir que el mundo es un lugar feo y peligroso, incompatible con la inocencia. Esa misma noche tuve una pesadilla horrible, desperté llorando en la madrugada, tampoco quiero hablar ahora de eso, pero se suma a la racha de oscuridad que siento. El lunes me sentí completamente derretida, el clima fue horrible, el dolor del fin de semana estaba palpitando en mi, me sentía enferma, entumida, sin ganas de nada. El martes volví al trabajo con la confirmación de que tendré que trabajar codo a codo con una mujer horrible, que sospecho que me odia, y que solamente va a entorpecer mi trabajo, lejos de ayudar, todo el día de ayer me sentí paranoica, yo se que esta en mi cabeza, pero que tal que quiere hacer que me despidan? que tal que quiere hacer que me equivoque? que tal que quiere llevarme al límite con su horrible actitud?
The last few days have been kind of dark, I think this is the best way of describing them. Even a happy day had it's dark moment, and I believe is something coming from inside me, not from the things happening, but from how I react. I had a discussion with my mom, our relationship is complex, I spent all saturday feeling like garbage because of this, because of the guilt but also because of the little empathy my mom shows towards me. On sunday I witnessed an accident, I can't talk about it yet, and even though it didn't affect me directly, it was a big shock for me, I felt like the world is an ugly and dangerous place, and there's no room for innocence. That same night i had the most horrible nightmare, I woke up crying, I don't want to talk about that now, but it adds to the darkness I'm feeling. On monday I was completely melted, the weather was awful, I still felt the pain from the weekend, I felt sick, without motivation for anything. On tuesday I went back to work and I got the confirmation I am going to be working with an awful woman that I suspect hates me and that's only going to make everything hard for me, instead of helping. I felt paranoid all day, I know everything is in my head, but I couldn't stop thinking "what if she wants me fired?" "what if she wants me to make a mistake?" "what if she wants to push me to the edge with her attitude?"
I have problems with my mother, we have always had problems and I am really tired of it. Today she told me to not get vaccinated, she does not know anything a out medicine or farmacology and I am a full grown up, but for some reason she feels like she has the authority yo advice me on this matter. I told her I feel disapointed she thinks that way and she immediatly reacts like Im an ungrateful monster. The last months our relationship has been reduce to me not been able to talk about anything with her, I have to hide the fact I am doing well financially because she starts talking a out how she is not doing well evethough she has a pension (when the govmnt gives you money, sorry I dont know the exacto word in english) because shes a widow, and I only have a jr position in my job, I cant talk a out having a y plans because she feels everything I do has to do with her somehow. My bday is in some days and me and my boyfriend are going to the beach to celebrate, when I told her she just asked if I was not going to see her on my bday, she doesnt seem to care about me, or my hapiness in the one day when the most important thing should be how I want to spend the day. I feel extremely sad, lonely, isolated, our issues are just growing and I dont know what to do, she makes me feel like a monster. Loving her is painful and I honestly feel heartbroken.
@sincerePlace8195 I am so sorry that things are not going well between you and your mom. It hurts a lot when it's our parents who don't understand or seem to not care about us. You have all the right to think about yourself, you are your own person and have your own needs to take care of. Sometimes people close to us can be toxic without even realizing it and that can be so hard to deal with. I hope someday she listens to you and understand your side as well. It takes time but I have seen people change ^^ Hope things go well for you. Happy birthday in advance <3 :)
Thank you so much, I am a total mess today, you are a light in this tunnel, from the bottom of my heart thank you for reading and answering
@sincerePlace8195 Aw<3<3<3 You are not alone, we are all here with you. It's tough now but it will get easier. I'll keep you in my thoughts :O so don't feel alone!
I'm in a rough patch.
I am 30 years old and I finished my carreer in 2015, I really wanted to make a tesis so I tried, but failed, depression, anxiety and the death of my father got in the way, so here I am 7 Years later without a degree. Last year I decided to take a course (I don't know what would be the translation to english, iit's called diplomado in spanish) when I finish It I will finally have my college degree. So I am a month into this course and Im enjoying It but also suffering, my free time dissapeared, sometimes I have to sleep less than I should to get things done. I am extremely tired always, I am experiencing los of stress also, and I feel like I hit rock bottom yesterday.
I went out of town with my mom, we have a complicated relationship, but this weekend everything was calmed. When we returned to the City we ate pizza with my boyfriend and my brothers and when we were almost saying goodbye she said something that make me feel upset, I almost literally got out of her house running, I felt I couldnt take It. Then I was at home with my boyfriend just resting and suddenly It hit me, sunday was ending and I have to work and go to classes again, and I felt I cant do It, I was exhausted, the weekend hadnt been enough for me to rest, and my mom had triggered me.
I fall in a negativity spiral that lasted until 2 am, I felt everything was wrong, that I didnt like my job, that I had wasted all of my 20's, that its too late for me, that I just want to rest, that I will never achieve anything, that the World is just too f'ed UP and the only way of finding peace is dying. I cried my eyes out and entered some kind of catatonic state that was terrifying both for me and my bf, It was truly the worst moment Ive had in months, and today i had to pretend everything is normal, putting a good face in work, and cancel my feelings until my job day is done.
The cherry on top of this crappiness is that friday and today I screwed up some stuff at work and I feel super guilty, and stupid, also afraid of been called out or even punished in some way.
And all I want is some time to rest 😔
I havent come in a while. I have been ok, I guess. But yesterday and today was weird. I feel a desperate need to talk but I have no one I can talk to about this specific topic. Im in a relationship and Im happy in it, But I have feelings for another person, I have for a while now, little over two years. He is or was my friend, we were involved right befor the pandemic, Im not proud about it, it just happened, and it ended because of quarantine, I wanted to end things since before but I was really hooked with him. A couple of mutual friend knows about this, and on saturday I went out with one of them, I loved getting to see her finally after more than 2 years, but it triggered me, since that day I have been thinking about this guy nonstop, my friend and I talked about him obviously, they are still close, and I felt a little bit hurt listening about how he now has a girlfriend, and extremely nostalgic, I want to go back to the time we were toghether, i know this is impossible, but I keep searching in my head for a way of getting close to him again, I dont intend to make the same mistake, I am not cheating again, I am not getting in the way of his relationship, but I want him back in my life, I feel like im getting obsessed and I dont know how to handle my feelings.