OSN

Catholocism

1978 and brought into the Roman Catholic Church, also known as, a Cradle Catholic.

Rather sweet for ones parents to take a strong leap of faith to bring ones child into any religion, but especially Catholocism.

For anyone who comes across this. An might be Catholic. let me first advise to stay away from all Catholic Forums online, there are maybe 3 of them on the internet, and that should come across as a warning flag right there. Second. If you want to express any critical thinking on those forums and challenge your own beliefs; forget it. What I have found to be more true is that they are nothing more than a yes man forum. One is welcome to ask simple questions, one is allowed to challenge catholic thinking, but after that, once the community ( which on these forums amounts to about 5 regular members ) has spoken, the thread is then quickly shut down an then labels of one being a troll, dishonest, non charitable, and or blasphemic; get thrown around and a ban quickly follows.

This in a nut shell is what I went through, visiting one of those " Catholic Forums " , and here I am also seeking help and getting more help here from very understanding and compassionate people, for my mental well being. The comparison between this website and a " Catholic Forum " it is night and day. Moderators here are a hit and miss, but for the most part, they actually are more balanced than a " Catholic Forum " where from what I can gather , might be one active moderator, who moderates at their own point of view discretion, meaning, if your opinion doesn't jive to his or hers, it is off with your head.

Anyhow I was on this " Catholic Forum " questioning my own personal struggle in the faith, with the aspect of leaving the church but having the blade at ones neck of it being a sin if one chooses to leave. Where as in the same breath the Church will allow for an annulment to a marriage. An that there to me is Irony and Hypocrisy. Because marriage is in the Church a Sacrament. Anyhow point being, with an annulment, there is no labeling of either person to be in a state of sin. Yet there is no annulment process to leave the Catholic Church, you are just then considered a lapsed Catholic, a bad Catholic, and in a state of sin, and woe unto thee, an more than likey you are going to hell. Want another oddity, The Catholic Church in turn, grants liency to those outside the faith, who were never Catholic or may be of another religion. All of a sudden in the age of progressivism there is this big time compassion and easy breezyness.

Any how it just comes into one double standard after another, and it makes for me, a big whopping sandwhich of resentment piled on with oppression. An what is more irritating is , there is zero negotiating with the Church, or trying to find middle ground. EVER. ON ANYTHING. Doesn't matter if it makes sense to the entire world. Why, because the Church whips out Dogma, Doctrine, Cannon Law, Natural Law, Councils, Vatican I, and Vatican II; and then lastly, Scripture, as to why they say Catholics have to abide by the way the Church says things have to go. BUT JUST CATHOLICS MIND YOU ! No one else in the rest of the world has to. So it becomes perspective. From a theological perspective, with links to ancient scripture, if one is of that mind set, it makes perfect sense. If you are one of these " Church Militants, or Punch Happy Doughnut Glazed Eyes gee whilikers everything sure is great in the Church " it all makes sense.

Want more Irony, in a religious law sense for comparison, Islam and Catholicism have a lot in common, you either follow their rules, or you are either going to hell and/ or are a sinner, and if a community finds out you risk actual gossip with in the community and will become shunned by that community to some degree, I.E not allowed to serve at Mass in certain functions such as a Eucharistic minister // where as Islam, at least in the Middle East, what happens time and again ? Women are religiously oppressed, mistreated and abused, and male or female, you step out of line and not only are you risking familia and community problems, you are literally risking your physical life.

My thing is, I understand my relationship with Jesus, I do not have a great or good relationship with the Old Testament, and I am getting exhausted with the Church on a lot of the religious law aspects and mandatory attendence or face another mark of sin if you dont go to Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation. No one can convince me that Jesus ever intended that His relationship with us, to worship and love Him, be a religious edict by a religious institution with a stipulation that if you disagree or dont attend after you are in, well sorry, now you are a sinner.

An if I actually took this to a real priest in my town, I can promise you, the answer will end up with, I will pray that you will come to an understanding, or something of the sort, along with a text book indoctrinated answer of Church postion on such things. An I can't blame that, that is how they should be. It just sucks in the end, that I am forced to do something under obligation, with a threat of being labeled a sinner if I decide to take a year or two off, or a day, or never come back !

But I am staying with the Catholic Church, mainly because of my mother. She instilled the faith in me, and has been a wonderful roll model. She gave too much money to the Church and shouldn't of gave it a dime, an not because of the scandals, but because of the school system that destroyed my childhood, because of the religious that made my childhood a living hell. An in the end taught me jackshit.

I stay because my mother sees something in the Mass, an I use too also, I just don't really any more. I still believe in the Eucharist, and the Sacraments, but I am over the homilies, the same dribble homilies with the scattered personal stories mixed in, that any high schooler or community college writing/english student could muster up except probably come up with some better cliches. I suspect that this is just a terrible phase, at least I hope it is, and not the beginning of my physical downfall to go alongside my mental downfall. I hope I can get back to a happy place in the Mass , and a comfortable place with the Church. Truth is, I lost a lot of respect for the Church, an not souly because of the scandals, but because of a lot of personal experiences that are not related to sex abuse, but experiences with religious and clergy, that has shown me that their faith and intelligence is not any better than mine, that they are not above me like I thought they were for so long. The only thing that sets them apart from me, is being a yes man, learning the indoctrination and absorbing it , to the point they can regurgitate it with out heistation. An all they taught me is that their attitudes are hollow, selfish and standoffish, too busy with busy work, and at most can only offer an hour of their time if they feel like it, to really get to know me. I am left with completely trusting Christ, and disregarding the Church to about 99% that 1% being the sacraments that I will trust. So if all this makes me a " disgruntled bad catholic ", what ever, at least I am honest, at least I think, at least I don't let archaic stone age edict thinking that is designed to maintain power over others lead me by the nose. An more over here is a kicker, I can still become a Saint ! An not saying that sarcastically either. Would be a kicker though.

An the replies from a " Catholic Forum " for the most part fall into, you have a lot of mental problems you need to over come so you dont feel this way about the church, satan has tricked you, you sound like a protestant, you are being blasphemous and arrogant, do you really think you are smarter than a priest or bishop !?

Kid you not. Don't believe me, go give it a shot yourself, go find a " Catholic Forum " an go against the grain, let your what ifs out there. An buckle up for a ride. It can be infurriating so put on your thickest skin. If you are going for laughs then have fun, it is a insane shit show of a circus in those forums.

MOTHERFUCKER

I kid you not the second I hit enter on that post above this, my mother whispers my name from the living room. An I yelled, that she wasnt being funny. She whimpers that she thought i was behind her in the kitchen.... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

ya know what it was, she didn't know where the fk I was , so she whispers my name.

Fking psyhchotic crap like that drives me up the fking wall !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just say my name normally and ask where I am !

I didnt blow up that bad verbally like i did here. hence why I saved it for here. Because If I can't safely blow up here, then where ?

Well, Talked to my older sister the other day on the phone, ever so briefly. It was more one of those pleasantry conversations. or a Fake conversation. In that, it is , how are you doing how is your day, which I forgot, really means just say something nice then say I love you and then pass the phone. Not , tell me what is bothering you , and let me see if I can help. An I forgot that. An it hurt. Because I tried to relate or tell her some things that had been going on ,and she just brushed me off, cut me off, an bloop end of conversation. An because she only listens to me on her terms, which is when she is in the correct or perfect mood or frame, everything has to be just right for her. She basically has to have nothing to do, nothing on her schedule before she can really listen to someone elses problems, and even then , like with my dad, her time comes at a cost.

It is exhausting. I want help from my siblings so bad, yet they make being around them or just talking to them unbareable and unpleasant.

So High Noon here, well 12:35 to be exact. I got bills to pay, errands to run. an that is it. I am hoping for better weather so I can find either a new bike route, or go for a long over do walk on the beach. Had to bust out a year old thing of sun screen cause I am getting a farmers tan, which I never cared about but I am losing weight, so it doesn't bode well.

To whom ever reads this, an has been upvoting, Thank you for acknowledging my presence. Just being heard means a lot. There really is no perfect answer for anything I am dealing with. There are answers, it is just very hard for me to implement due to a lot of reasons. I am realizing I am getting closer to wanting to get back into the work force. That employment even if it is just living paycheck to paycheck, barely making ends meat, is better than flat out poverty.

I tried embarressingly to get an emergency credit card through my local bank, and the questions of employment came up, to which my stupid self answered honestly, and it was humiliating, all I had to do was lie. It wasn't like they were going to check my employment status. Anyhow, I was declined and rightfully so. Though the income I live off is through my parents that is how the card would of been paid if need be, it is just my mom can't afford to take a card out in her name any more after going through a bankruptcy. So it is a tricky situation to get a small line of credit for an emergency, and then link it through my parents income.

I am just going to lie online and get a small credit card for emergencies.

again though, the humiliation of admiting my length of unemployment, an how bad I felt, afterward, really stung. An not being able to buy things with my own earned money and not giving a damn about what I buy is starting to take a toll on me. I question every single thing I buy with the money that isn't mine. A small thing to enjoy, it could cost a dollar or 40, I dwell and scrutinize the entire purchase and debate if i deserve it. An even if i convince myself that i do, I beat myself up afterwards still for buying it.

God by the way is a very tricky motherfker.

By putting my nephew into my life. I think it would of been a lot easier for me to not care about my life that much more if my nephew was not here. The few moments i get to spend with him, keep me going, and it is insanity because on one hand I acknowledge that when I mention or think that I want to end my life, it is the endless misery I want to be over, but on the other hand, I imagine the reality of how I would end my life, by waiting for the coldest day possible and just staying out in the elements till I succumb to the cold. But that would be after I am finished caring for my mom.

My nephew gives me just a tiny bit more to cling on to , in enjoying life. An to a degree, I resent that. Not him, but I resent God doing these small miracles, letting me know He is still in my life, yet only gives me just that tiny bit of hope or joy, to not want to go over the literal edge, while at the same time, not giving me enough to get out of the hole of shit and misery I am in.

Funny thing I heard on a comedy show I watched today, Two Steps Forwards and One Step Back, Still Equals , One Step Forward. Very True, but still so painful and frustrating and that is to me my life in a nutshell. An I want it to stop being that way.

I am feeling so Fking Frustrated.

I am working fairly hard on my art work to sell in October. Votive candle making should be simple. It is with the proper tools. But I am working on a budget. The tools I have work, but they dont make the work easy. An then how to comparitively charge my work, sites like ETSY charge one way, I should charge my own, an just hope people are not comparing prices like I do. It is a local small arts festival, I doubt anyone is really going to show up. The location is off a side road for one, two, there is barely any where to park.

BUT the upside, I am trying. This is a good small start to see the process of being self employed. An who knows. Might lead to better things one day.

HA

Truth is it wont.

That was me being sarcasticly optimistic.

What I bet will happen is, IF I am lucky, I well sell two out of maybe 40 some odd Items I have for sale. Why only two ? Who knows, maybe people wont like how I price my work, or maybe people wont like my work or maybe people wont show up with any money or wont be there at all. I did see on my local craigslist, an advertisement to pay someone on commission, to market their ETSY website for them. An I was like holy fk nuts that is Genius. IF they find anyone. But it is craigslist, how do ya trust a complete stranger to not railroad ya, also how can a stranger trust the one advertising as such.

But the concept is not just mine, to find someone to do the marketing for me, have em as a business partner, cut em in for half. an call it a day on an ETSY shop, work from home, an be poor making a tiny bit of money to squeek by.

I can't really hope for doom n gloom apocalyptic end game scenerios for my life anymore, not while i have a nephew and nieces.

OH that " Catholic Forum " lmfao I posted on there again, a farewell if you will. Knowing that I would have an immediate impending perma ban. I posted in regards to my previous temp ban, an the closing of my thread. mentioning how the moderator shouldn't of done it. an how things were blown out of perportion and people were being too sensitive for reporting.

lmfao you think it well ?

NOPE

lmfao some snowflake, got all upset, and reported me again, this time I got a temp ban till May 17th , lmfao for calling out the moderator, and not reporting the issue to the administration directly and privately. No joke.

But Fking funny, cause one in order for a moderator to know I posted, someone had to get upset, soooooooooo upset over my post to report it. It wasn't a personal attack on anyone, just me being honest. An as the line goes. YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH. Fk em. Fking pozers, self righteous, pompepous, thelogical wana be arm chair doctorate pozers.

My new idea, if I ever get the time, is to make a forum of my own, an that would require a job and income. Got a name for it too, it would be Catholic Based, but I would allow for all opinions positive or negative, towards the Church. Rules would be semi no holds bar, gotta be able to stand on your own two feet, and if you dish it you better be able to take it. An maybe draw a line at flat out name calling or religiously labeling someone a " bad catholic " or bashing someone for being of another faith. To many people are of the faith that do not have that kind of freedom to talk. An the forums out there that are Catholic Based, do not allow for such dialogue. They are so indignant as well on those forums, and hypocritical. An then if one points it out, the cliques ban together and go, well you are the hypocrite you say you are Catholic but you disagree about this n this n this. Well no shit it is called being a normal human being with an opinion, an not a brain dead muppet that just follows every nuiance of a rule that the Church created. An then the feathers get ruffled an they go, GASP, YOU THINK THAT THE RULES ARE NUIANCES JUST WILLY NILLY CREATED. YOU THINK YOU KNOW BETTER. An the answer is yes. in fact a lot of people know better.

These supposed religious are insane, even more so are the actual ones in any religion, the entire concept that they have this direct law abiding contact from God Himself, that grants them super powers to create rules on Gods behalf an that they know better, because they held a special council an took a vote on the matter. IS FKING NUTS.

AN YES I AM CATHOLIC A PRACTICING ONE.

An then they go, BUT DIVINE INSPIRATION,

FK THAT STUPIDITY

We are all divinely inspired every single day, an then the response is , well you dont understand if it doesnt coinside with what the rules state then obviously you are wrong. HUH ? They say things left n right on religious forums. " Catholic Forums " an hell most clergy and religious think the same fkn way. UNLESS you happen to tell them you had a vision or hear angelic or saintly voices, then woah you are the koo koo bird all of a sudden. Islam will murder you if you do not comply and obey, Catholics will scold you and damn you and call you all sorts of names under their breaths and laugh at you if you do not obey and comply.

YET for both religions, not in any sense of the word obey, or laws or rules, did Jesus, God, or whom ever, EVER show any inclination to a form of religion that we now see today, an by all accounts, Christ did everything to show how the organized religion of his time was extremely flawed. Which doesn't mean that He suggested it needed to be fixed, but also didn't suggest that it should be abandoned either. The only thing Jesus ever suggested or taught, was that He is the Son of God, God is real, be good to one another, love one another, and believe in Him and God and have a relationship with Them. That is it in a nutshell.

An look at the hypocritical shit we got now from organized religion. The absolute only thing I like about the Catholic Church is the Sacraments, that is it. Everything else to me is power grabbing noise.

Ever crack a fart that makes ya go damn, an ya gotta get away from it.

I just did.

Not doing well mentally, doing physically good things to stay active, an keep up the house. but internally I am wreck, not looking forward to going back to college for a certificate in something I am not interested, but need a change so, it is a change is all i can say. Might not even get n the class.

Another Fked up day , ish. my lil sis doesn't know how to raise her child and do personal things at the same time, so she calls up, to drop him off with me to baby sit, while she persues whatever. I don't mind, It is just my energy taps out after an hour of any activity. one hour incriments is all i got. then i gotta rest for like 2 hrs.

Painted the back porch at the worst weather time. Thought I would escape the rain, and of course I didn't an it poured literally for 2 minutes n stopped, enough to just wash out the exact dead center of the porch.

Awesome

Fucking Fan tastic.

So here I am. waiting. to tired to do shit. listening to my mom narrate every fucking thing around me , and waiting for my sister to come pick up her son, so I can clean up. an then call it a day after dragging myself to mass this evening with my mom.

Not happy about anything, really wana be left alone more often than not. Oh when is my sister coming back to pick up her son ? Who knows. she doesn't find it necessary to tell anyone these kind of things, because everything is fine. An I did forget to ask. so then just had a blow up with my mom in front of my nephew, my mom is such a pain in the ass at times.

630 am, heavy rains hit an hour ago, knocked power out ever so briefly. Thing is, I knew better than to continue painting the concrete porch the other day.. But I was chancing it, hoping for a break, was aggravated with myself and the day of events prior. An the exact same spot on the back porch washed out. So I am left with having to get another thing of primer an hoping I can spot paint the section. I dont feel like trimming the property bushes which are over 5 ft high. My mom needs a tooth put back in her partial an that is more money. An the budget we have to work off of is not that big. I was pummeled with thoughts as the rain came. That shit monastery i was at for one, grateful I sent that letter to them letting them know they are complete fakes an fucks. The other day, thoughts were flashing to when I was a boy, how moments were really really good, an then bloop the divorce pops back up in my head, to remember how my father pretty much abandoned me, lil brother and my mom back in the mid 80s, never went to maybe but 3 of my childhood games I was in, always too busy for himself and his morning activities. So conflicting, how I know my dad loves me , but he acts like such an asshole. That financial support of us was supposed to literally make up for being a good father.

Sheesh n grade school, forced to participate in all these bullshit school events, when I could of been at home, doing nothing, playing a board game, learning how to do anything other than clean up a class room, or be used as cheap labor or put on some stupid school play. God forbid I ever have children, because the second I hear, there is a mandatory school event, the answer to the school, is go fuck yourself, I am not paying for mandatory school events, I am paying for my child to get an education any problems with my decision can be taken up with my lawyer. Verbatum is exactly how that note would read. An in the modern area, it doesn't matter that there is no legal ground to sue, it just matters that the threat is there. An then ya put the school on blast, on social media to make them look like the facist asses that they are.

Broken Childhood, Asshole Dad, Busted n Fucked up life as an adult. Should of been taught to be independent and determination an a shit pot of other skills long ago. Way too late in life to try an learn all this shit now.

SHit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitty shitty shitty shit shit.

@aVeryoriginalScreenname you can't imagine how much I identify with what you wrote...

Yup sometimes SHIT just explains everything.

Did my walk today. was a bit exhausting as I added on to my route but I suppose that is good, came home, cleaned up had a nice healthy big breakfast which could end up being my meal of the day. and now I am just here back with all of my problems as always.