OSN
Diary Entries & Connections
If you only want certain people commenting (or only yourself), post here and let us know of your restrictions
IF this is actually honored , my " Restrictions " are that children 25 and under just leave me alone. I am 40 years old, I am not interested in the opinions from those who consider themselves wise beyond their years, old souls, or what ever else one can think of.
Life is feeling really hopeless at the moment for me... Therapy has become rather pointless as sitting with someone, and just talking, is about the same as doing it here online. With the same out come of confusion and no real goal to make any significant changes in my life. I am setting up things to try and better my life, yet obsticale after obstical pops up to give me a set back, either financially, physically , or in some other way that takes more of a toll on me now, physically, mentally and emotionally , than it ever did, when I was younger. I suspect my life is going to end in homelessness. I don't want it to. But I see it to be a real possibility if I can't find stable work that leads to financial stability with in five years. I am caring for my mom and when that ends, full blown poverty and homelessness awaits if I cant fix myself.
My siblings can't afford to bring me into their lives and don't want to, and I cant blame them. It isn't as if I am a junkie or criminal, but weak ties to siblings make such possibilities hard or not possible. I have tried setting myself up for help at local programs in town, only to be denied or put on a waiting list. I have one shot at getting a grant for a certificate program at my local garbage college and I suspect that it will not go through, not to mention there is a waiting list for the class, so if I dont get in, to the fall program, that kicks me over to having to wait for the next available class in 2020. An even if I get in, I am not 100% positive that I will get the grant. AND THEN, say it all works out, well that is great isn't it, for at least four months I will be in school to get a certification that I could pretty much learn to do off of youtube videos. The only difference being, Employers don't accept learning something off of youtube as proper. When truth is, it is probably faster, and just as accurate and teaches one to learn through actually putting to practice what is being shown.
Doesn't matter.
Why
Because now lets pretend all is great, I get the grant, I get the class, I pass the class and get the certification. Drum roll for the pink elephant in the room.
Now I get to go through painful job interviews, trying to explain a very weak work history and a gaps in that work history which is some how suppose to translate into a " Resume ". An the only way around this that I know of, is to lie about it. Put in some half truths, and have my brother concoct a believe resume for me that uses him as my hypothetical employer and that I am transitioning into a new line of work. An now lets sprinkle on the mental health problems, I have social anxiety disorder. So yeah, good times, lets all take social anxiety disorder into an interview with a weak resume or a false one, and sweat all over the place, have twitching legs under the table, and constantly telling ones mental thoughts to not choke out the interviewer for his or her assanine interview questions that mean absolutely nothing because truth be told, they could care less if I live or die.
My time in the Army , meant zero. My only purpose is caring for my mom and that is a joy and beyond difficult all at once. An honestly after that I am really not interested in life any more. An it will take a miracle to keep me going after this part of my life caring for my mom ends.
not doing good.
Re-read an email from my shit college, which stated they send out acceptance letters into this phlebotomy program i want to get into, at the end of May an all of June, End of May is creeping in...
I don't have any confidence in myself to do jack shit...
Not selling my art on ETSY
Not Phlebotomy
nothing.
This fucking phlebotomy, ya wana know what that is ?? A joke. I don't want to deal with people EVER. The only reason I succumb to dealing with people is having to buy food, and gas up the car and going to church with my mom. If I didn't have to do that I wouldn't. I would literally be slap fucking happy, If everytime I had to go do the basic needs things, gas, food , go to church, I could press a button, n that would send a signal to everyone in the area that they had to get the fuck out of the area, roads would be empty, absolutely anyone else headed to or in the place I had to go, would have to leave or turn back and fuck off till I am done. An in theory I could literally have the basic foods i need ordered online an shipped through amazon or other websites. and If i ever make enough money to do that, i just might.
I am going for a walk in the morning to work on losing some weight because Saturday I have to weigh in to know wtf is going on.
All this losing weight is doing is no longer wearing my problems on my body and destroying my body through the problems i have via eating. The upside is , I guess if i do move to the wilderness of Alaska after selling the house. I'll be healthy enough to learn to hunt. That is if I am not old as fuck an cant hunt.... but can still fish i suppose.
I dont wana do this anymore. I have no interest in phlebotomy or any other line of work other than being left alone to produce art work of my choosing. How do I make that work ?
5/23/19
Almost went the entire month not stepping on the scale, got on the scale today, this morning , just now...
gained at least 4 lbs. all this bullshit i went through again this month for nothing. made the mistake of thinking I can lose the weight with out keeping track of my progress , by staying off the scale. I havent exercised daily, I ate too much yesterday, i haven't stuck to my starving method of one meal a day. An my exercise is nothing but walking or riding my bike once a day.
Did it to myself.
I'd say completely to hell with it all, and go back to eating like I use too. I honestly want to.
But I have lost around 60 lbs. An so I can't. I have set a goal to lose all my weight in 5 Years, so tech. I am on track, an this was just another minor set back. I'll have to go back to my one meal a day today. An go for a walk this evening. I keep telling my self to try and fast,, but the hunger pains become too much after a point .
I am disgusted, and not happy, upset, and depressed.
really pissed off,, been two days, two fucking days, walked both, ate healthy, gained 1 pound. up to 213.0
Slow claps.
Well, one week almost over, one to go, my brother and his family are visiting and it is hell on me mentally. and some what physically in that i stress ate last night. so put on some pounds from that i imagine.
My brother made a decleration before he got here that he spends so much money on a rental home that he wants everyone spending all their time there. SO instinctly i have refused to the demand. Told him he can pick our mom up any time and bring her there. on top of that i told him before hand that she cant handle going up an down steps. and it has steps to get in an out of. So he has to deal with that. not me. We didnt go into debt and bankruptcy which included a ramp for the house so our mom can get in an out with breaking her knees going up n down steps, for my asshole brother to demand that she goes up and down steps to his rental home. fuck that in the goats ass. I wont stop him from spending time with her, i just refuse to be apart of the stupidity to put our mom through the pain.
I have had to tell him twice already that i do not want to go over to his rental house, being this morning of the second time.
I ended up stuttering a bit too. cause of my anxiety. but i managed to get out that i dont want to go over there, and that he can pick mom up if he wants.
My dad i wont hold back on, i am sure he is complaining to our dad, and God help my dad if he starts to get on my ass. I have stopped holding back my temper with my dad. for too many reasons to list.
CAT SHELF, i need to get a window perch / shelf for my adorbs cat.
anyhow.
well, my weight is sorta back on track, losing slowly , by the ounces at the moment. I was at 208 then it jumped to 211 now im back down to 210, so I dunno wtf is going on. But I Burned 1200 cal today at the gym on the treadmill at a total of 6 miles, between two trips at 3 miles each, which takes me an hour. Various inclines to flat on the treadmill. All cardio at the moment. My mom mentioned that the issues with my brothers girls could be with his ex girlfriend not properly teaching them how to be polite. who knows. but the oldest girl is just annoying and not cute. and pretty much rude on top of it, all for a 3 yr old. Not being taught manners and being enabled to do what ever she wants is just equalling me not wanting to be around her. An I have to keep silent or it will just cause unnecssary drama. On a more fun note, bitch Rachel in 35 + stuck her nose in a convo I was having in the room, an over stepped her fat ass bounds so I cussed her out, to which got my badge removed evidently an I can't Access the room. No Worries though, I aint sorry for cursing your stupid ass out Rachel If you happen to see this.
What else.
Jaws are not as soar from stress lately. But still, and it is with my brother being in town I appreciate that he is getting to spend time with our mom, but things between me n him are just crap, He has no sense of calling daily at a time we can rely on, an everything is just, I'll call when I'm ready to let yall know when I'll come by to visit. An then his girls run in the house, don't say hello or great our mom. An it is like having a petting zoo come visit but ya cant pet the goats. So why bother. I get a break though, I split, go to the gym . An get my exercise in. I will lose this 13 lbs by the end of the summer. I look forwad to being under 200 lbs again, and forever ! Never going over 200 lbs again when i lose it.
My goal weight is 170 lbs even. By next summer I expect to be there, but if for some reason I am not I am giving myself a full 5 yrs to reach it before I say fk it. for good.
I Might try and start volunteering, Well I lie. I am going to contemplate volunteering. An see where that leads. I honestly do not expect to ever be employed again. Been out of work too long and being unemployed for more than 1 month, ya mine as well be dead here in America. Especially if you are older.
ready for my life to end. willing to embrace the end also.
Not Doing good, things seem to constantly get harder one way or another. I don't look forward to growing any older, If I could die sometime soon knowing my family would be fine, I would welcome it.
But my family needs me, so here I am.
