Open to any replies:A diary of Polaris2088

Maybe it's already been brought up before but the fact that whether 'a fan or not' you can feel connected to someone online..

My voice..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5S0SJXGfV8o

and my face for now..(profile picture) https://www.deviantart.com/polaris314

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The fact that we can potentially 'create personas' seperate from the reality of who we are...

the fact that I've gotten to expect more attention from here than group chats or listeners..

..the fact that by intention and design we are meant to bring out our most vulnereable and be at our most transparent here..

..the fact that 'my style of honesty' has been influenced by past ritualistic practise (confessional) which even after disengagement still bothers me b/c to my mainly unbelieving mind I felt like I yielded to essentially shame and judgement albeit for an apparently 'good' justification like..

does it change post-pornography embarrasement and fears?..

When you try to do something for yourself instead of for the sake of pets not of your own choosing...non-humans who apparently expect more from you.

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expectations...def'n..~guaranteed outcome out of uncertainity and uncertain courses of actions..

expectations..expectaciones(?)..

esperanzas...'hope''...espero que encuentro mis llaves en la casa/I wait [present tense(?)] to encounter my keys at home/I hope to encounter my keys at home...

...the implications of virtue and the prejudical resentment that likely mainly monolingual 'white ppl' who choose to stop caring wouldn't really get what's at a loss when you say 'you no longer hope' to someone in Spanish..

etc et al..

Tomorrow, seriousness about art homework.

=_= When you realize 'a flaw' in how you approach work..and realize how 'higher ups' are jaded.

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It's occured to me that to become faster/more efficient at library content shelving, I am going to need to become more indifferent to be less distracted by the cover and back of what I might be holding.

Go east and south

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Thrift store--belts, 'discount store'--underclothes and bank

Today's possible plans..

The proclivities to smoking and mental health.

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I feel bad for how the now enjoyed-upon, amusing and lively cousin [..] was once afraid of me and how bitter I was towards her before we found a common ground in Pokemon games. ._. I actually wasn't fond of her at one pt. b/c of how girly she was..what an idiotic reason to be dismissive towards a child--she is approaching her early 20's now.

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In this instead (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6rYrxMtEcU&t=112s) is the the soothering I sought for and expected in Dorothy Ashby music.

D--n first high school I went to.

What I like about GITS 'SAC' and '2nd Gig' is that 'it gets ennui right', the balancing of ennui right as far as animes go..not as uneventful like Ghilbi films but still has it's meaningfully quieter moments and will demonstrate how things built up to that.

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When you are told by your younger brother to tell your mom that he will arrive late b/c of what seems to you like an 'iffy' reason, when your dad calls curious to know if he can be helped by you to do loathsome construction work and your left wondering if he understand and realizes the validity of the seemingly namby-pamby, flaky job you hold or at least ought to realize how grounded in your schedule is.

=_= D--n the possibility of not being actually able to find enough free non-break time to log into the computer networks at work, w/out say 'forgetting passwords' hassle.

Less likely 'to be lassoed' into deeds and duties by someone else, if I live on my own,only if I live on my own.

=_= *sigh*

Here is 'validation' for how sketchy the eastern 'before Stoney Creek' pt. of the city, I live in is..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MlyAvUfh8E an explanation of how in past or present signficant industrial sites in the Northern hemisphere, wind currents blow east...=_= aaaannd your typically advised to avoid said areas..