Open to any replies:A diary of Polaris2088

'Lapse'.

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As far as I know journalling isn't do-able on the 'deviant art' site but d--n do I wish it was..

strongly consider a break from this site..

'Believe or not'..years ago now I heard in a YouTube how 20 minutes of exercise each day can be something of a mild antidepressant..*cardio* was specifically mentioned but to me it hasn't always meant cardio..'_' *Believe it or not* i actually have almost non-stop sans a few weeks feverish around the turn of the yr been exercising everyday for 20 minutes for the past ~3-ish yrs.I realize it can be difficult to believe b/c of how extreme the commitment must be more so if not 'on par' w/an ideal of 'weekly religious services' through a lifetime, extreme commitment level..

..it hasn't meant Dwayne Johnson style space and lifting..'~' if anything I really don't like lifting..think more 'light' aerobic stuff.. like yoga and tai-chi often while following a video or videos.*Sigh*..I've done it for several reasons not the least (not to be vulgar) to resist pornography fixation (another 'kettle of fish'). but when I think about, the extremity of needing to be so commited if not obsessive, everyday for *very* light stretchy based exercise when so often I'd rather not do it but I get sort of 'inactive' if I don't do it, even when I'm doing say schoolwork..that is a problem '~' ..

more so when you feel 'clingy' w/following some relatively uncomplicated and specific videos.

Minimum of 20 each day per week is only 140 minutes,2.3 not even 2.5 hrs..maybe one or two long-ish repeated videos in a week can suffice..when it comes to my mental health at this pt. I think I'm better off meditating more often (*take that* to 20 minutes each day) but....'~' I worry about how my weight and 'physique' might be impacted if I exercise less..if anything I've been joshed about being 'skinny' and basically muscle-less for yrs but if i stop doing what little I was doing all along then '~' ..(?)..

Chronology

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~'03-'04

Beginning of that c---y non-public school board phase..

'05-'08

Farce which was the 1st high school

'08-mid '10

'Refugee camp refugee' experience at superior (but now defunct) 2nd high school

'10-'late '11
Official 'on the autistic spectrum' diagnosis made--biotechnology technician program.

Despite stereotypes of 'nerdiness' and STEM field expertise being an autistic doesn't work out in the rarefied, under-described, understated de facto labour of science that is *lab work* when you s--k at instrumentation b/c of your clumsy proprioception 'not cutting it' for the pushiness that is lab instructors..

'11~'13(?)

Disengagement from biotech to 'software support'

..again previously stereotypes of STEM 'nerdiness' and autism are short-sighted when your grasp on language is an emotional not 'telling apart a good arguement from a bad one' (i.e. logic) based grasp.

Much cheating esp. first semester, more angst and disengagement to the 'liberal arts' like experience that is 'general arts and science'..

'13-'14

'The filler year' was actually fun; the influence of social sci and humanity courses which would later on influence my takes on scarcity, mental health, identity politics and media as seen here..first postsecondary certification/one yr certificate earned here..

~'14-'17

Office admin...enjoyable at first but not going to deny that the inherent tedium and dryness of the topic makes for distraction vulnerability..

11-2017 to late 2-2018

After ridiculousness that is labour market scarcity, settle for call centre..did I ever heal from it?..

5-2019+

'Success' that is the current library job being held.

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Once made a better chronology on DA but can't find it

What follows is intentionally judgemental and biased---arguable 'cultural geography' of Hamilton, Ontario

'Far east': Stoney Creek--

apparently the 'blue collar' classes of mid last century now mainly live out there

East before Stoney Creek:

Infamous collective inferiority complex nerve-point/basis of 'quasi-ethos' of city, esp. factoring for 'Tiger cats' gridiron football team stadium..c---y memories related to first high school..

'Downtown' central, core area before Dundurn in the West:

Second Infamous collective inferiority complex nerve-point centre of the city and apparently where much of the city's development is highlighted in it's 'highs and lows'--what comes to mind when thinking of 'home'

North and 'North east':

'Bayfront' related shoreline , the North east is semi-infamous as collectively grouped in w/the 'East before Stoney creek' ethos. Seldom spend much time their but can see mainly defunct industrial sites being a factor to the reputation.

North and along certain highways going west: one is one which leads east into Toronto about an hour away on---alternatively thee is a road leading into *Burlington* the famous 'bone fide well to do' region where you go to if apparently your 'successful' but don't think you can pull off being in Toronto..I'm a bit perplexed as to how it's as far as municipal legal formalities go, *it is a pt. of Hamilton* but is treated, seen as and seems to prefer being thought of as borderline it's own entity but doesn't have the collective kilometre long size which comproses all of Hamilton. Has it's high end malls but I rarely ever go in that direction. Interesting cementaries near the main centre of where the 'Royal botanical gardens' (RBG) is based..

West after Dundurn: 'the good side of town'---or that is to say the 'well-to-do'/'rich' part in terms of ethos not the least b/c of the school life and student presence which grandly culminates around McMaster University

West after McMaster: my sense of local geography might be less knowledge but I do think Dun*das* is that-a-away and one component of the more well-to-do areas..I rarely have gone there if at all before the past ~2 yrs but it's vibe from the street layouts to the design of barely if any really apartment style buildings projects such an idyllic 'small town' vibe, I almost feel like, sort of reminds me of Lemington, north of Windsor where I live at certain intervals before preteen yrs..

South: this is where my sense of direction gets fuzzy. Known in local vernacular as 'the mountain' but technically an escarpment..you will soon come across Mohawk community college which is basically across from the mental health focused hospital building of the St.Joseph system..

..one of the areas where you really need a car to get around, not the least b/c the 'social biking (SOBI)' bike sharing program is notably non-present throughout that pt of the city..

South of Dundas technically: I don't know how to really access this area sans buses..'~'..I rarely have ever been around said pt's nor do I find much need to.

I hear mixed msg's--when I was in my teens I heard it described as the wealthiest area of Hamilton in terms of it's demographics and I would speculate 'old money' origins unlike the 'vertical mosaic' culmination of Stoney Creek or the arguable justified education/labour investment centre basis of what is (north)west (the west of Dundurn region known as *Westdale* which includes Mac U but not the other region of Dundas)..but someone who I would dare to call..a friend..among others at a technical mental hospital location described it a more 'redneck' region. Maybe more rural-ish an area?..'~'

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Taking into account the comments which mention roads and traffic might help make things more sense esp. if you can actually drive

https://www.reddit.com/r/ontario/comments/asvf9v/why_does_canada_hate_hamilton/