Rambling thoughts (open to comments)

This morning was hard.

Husband is planning for sure to move out for some time, ideally at the beginning of February. We have to talk tonight about how to handle things, and how to talk to our daughter about it.

It hit me this morning as we talked, and he looked at me with such frustration, both at himself and at me... I feel like I've lost my best friend. And I feel so very alone.

It's hard not to blame myself, but it's such a muddy combination of things that have led us to this point. And it's not going to be a quick fix. He has reached out to a counsellor and will be talking to them tomorrow (through EAP), which is good. He says he can't control his anger and frustration, and we both realize that we're both angry and hurt.... right now we're not good for each other.

We should be seeing a couples therapist soon. Waiting for a folow up call from them to schedule.

I feel like a deflated balloon this morning... and it's hard to focus on anything. But I'm trying.

so lost....

Things are feeling so much more real.

Husband and I had some good chats on the weekend - no animosity, no hostility. Now that he's found a place to live for the next couple of months or so, there's more heaviness and sadness weighing over both of us. Separation feels like such a step toward ending our marriage to me, but I know he needs the distance in order to resolve his anxieties and depression, and get his confidence back. Then once we've both done work, we'll come together and see what can be resolved with us. He's still going to be involved with daughter's activities, and I know he means it when he says he won't be an absentee dad.

The plan is to tell daughter on the weekend after we get back from a trip. We're also seeing a couples counsellor next week to figure out how to talk with each other through the separation.

I'm doing all I can to focus on my self-compassion and self-care, and I'm making a conscious effort to use different language when feeling my anxiety. Which is good.

My counsellor canceled our next appointment because she had something come up out of town. Kind of annoying - I like her, but the scatteredness (three calls to confirm on her end when my first appointment was scheduled for, and now this) feels weird. We'll see how things go. So I see her on the 27th.

Wow, I feel deflated as I type all of this. A heaviness and sadness to it all. And no light at the end of the darkness yet.

My deflation and sadness has turned into some anger.

The separation is officially taking place. He's renting a room about 10 mins away, and will move in either this or next weekend. Daughter found out yesterday morning, and is very upset. Lots of tears, lots of questions. Trying to answer her honestly without any of my upsetness coming through my words. There's still not a lot of answers yet - just that he still needs time to figure out where he's broken, and if he can build his half of the bridge across the gap between us.

last night and today I feel angry.

Angry that it's reached this point, and that he keeps pulling away.

Angry that my daughter is so heartbroken. After I dropped her off to pick up the bus with M, the person who does before and after school care, I found out that she burst into tears after I left and that M drove her and her daughter to school. She's going to check on her shortly to see how her morning is going.

Angry that husband is counting pennies where groceries and other budget expenses are concerned, but somehow we're ok to pay rent for a room for a few months.

Just.... angry that it feels like I'm working to look after our family and he's able to bugger off and go look after himself, and not have to worry about bedtimes, shedules, and household stuff.

I'm just... grumpy and disappointed and sad and so many other big feels all mixed up together.

And lonely.

Husband and I had a counselling session this morning. It was tough. I like the counsellor - he's rough around the edges, but was able to give me (can't speak for husband) some perspective on things as we start down this path. He has a therapy dog with him, which was really nice.

I'm trying to gauge how hopeful I am that things can be rectified.

Will write more later when I feel less exhausted.

And of course, there's more to write right now.

Just talked to my mom. She started the conversation telling me what to do ("Write a nice thank you to your bosses"), and asked what we talked about. I said I'm not ready to get into that right now. She said to talk when I'm ready, that she has concerns, and that silence and distance worries her, that there was 10 years of it.

That weighed on me like a ton of bricks.

in the past, my mom has transferred her worries and anxieties on me when something was going on in my life. She would feel better and I'd feel horrible because they were on me. Over the last 10 years I've distanced myself from that by setting up boundaries so I could deal with things myself.

I don't know if she expected to be privy to absolutely everything in my married life. I did talk to my parents almost daily for the longest time, and leaned on them for support when I needed it. After I got married, that changed, especially after our daughter was born. We almost had a blow-up during one visit, and thankfully that didn't happen.

I need my family's support through this, but I don't have the strength to carry my mom's fears, worries and anxieties. I have enough of my own. But I don't know how to approach that without upsetting her.

My priority right now is me. And being strong for our daughter. And it is a struggle to be strong in any way right now.

Hes left to go to his rental for the next few months.

Hard.

Lots of tears.

my mantra today: I cannot fix this, I can only fix me

😢😭

Today I advocated for myself.

Today I went to my counselling appointment and brought up some concerns with her. There was confusion around my first appointment date (although I'm glad we were able to schedule something sooner than originally booked); she was late for my first appointment; and she cancelled last week's appointment because she wasn't sure she'd make it back from the city in time. (I live an hour from the largest city near me). I thought about it a lot over the last week, and I was angry that there was such instability there. She was also almost 10 mins late for our scheduled time this morning.

So I brought this up with her.

She said she does more public practice and only did private practice part time, and that her schedule will vary depending on weather and what's going on in the public system. I said that with everything happening in my life right now, with husband moving out and all the related stuff, I need someone stable and reliable, and I'm concerned that it wouldn't be possile with her. She said she took me on as a favour to my past counsellor because she's not taking on new clients right now, and asked if we should schedule for 9:30 a.m. appointments because that would fit her schedule better. She asked me what I wanted to do. I sat and thought a moment, then said I think I need to find a different counsellor, that I appreciated her time and that she was able to take me on as a favour to past counsellor, but I need stability right now. So I said thank you for your time.

And then I left.

I don't advocate for myself like that very often, but with all that, I couldn't go into a counselling relationship feeling angry like I did today. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to her.

So now to figure out a new option for counselling. Might go through husband's EAP for a time, and see what can be found once that runs out.

I am shocked that I spoke up. Flabberghasted. But I needed to.

And as shaky and angry as I still feel, I am proud of myself for doing it. And for making the decision myself to do so.