Reflections on life

I've done some pretty amazing things in my life. That sounds egotistical but it's in no means a reflection of me being amazing as a person, circumstance and chance were just right to allow me to do amazing things. I've raised orphaned monkeys in South Africa, I've joined scientific surveys of marine mammals, I even spent a summer as a travel rep in Spain and I've done lots of animal rights workover the years.

But what I can't get my head around is why I can't be that person anymore. Maybe it's because throughout my younger years I never thought I'd even see 25 (I held the belief for a long time that live fast die young was my destiny) and now at half way to 26 I feel like a shell of a person lacking purpose. Or maybe it's because I'm haunted by questions concerning what life is all about and whether any of it is real or not, for after all the world as I experience it could be a figment of my imagination and there is no way to prove that or deny that. But mainly I think it's because my moods scare me these days, even that previously oh so welcome mania seems to have a dangerous edge to it, sometimes it twists in to anger or worse outright delusions about being bullet proof, and trying to prove that theory, conversations with various "higher powers" about special missions that only I can complete. Times when my energy is through the roof but there are voices and evil lurking within. Times when I can't force myself from my bed. Whatever the mood it seems to hit me harder and more often these days.

Or maybe I am just a rat stuck in a maze. An unwilling participant ina bizarre social experiment. Maybe big brother is watching and laughing at how ridiculous the melodrama of my so called life is. If that's the case the only weapon I have is an eternal passivity.