Sesquipedalian

Did a huge post about a breakthrough I had by 7cups gave me the middle finger and timed out. X_X;

Essentially. I asked SO for help, he engaged in MAD cycling mode the entire evening. Tactics include putting things off, then acting innocent. Me getting frustrated and engaged in a cycle, then stating a boundary because he was mindreading. I stopped the cycle, but of course it ended with me apologizing and him saying "WE have bad communication problems" not "I have bad communication problems." No responsibility for his actions.

When he helped me, he was a distant a$$hole. And I ended up having a mental breakdown because he was totally unwilling to help because that was "hand-holding". I was disassociating AF, and nothing could help me. But then I finally made some headway after I cried in front of my monitor. Realized I gotta do these things myself, and that this dumbf*** isn't here to help me. I gotta get through these difficult barriers in order to grow. The words finally made sense. Of course, SO tried to take credit for his cycle he tried to engage in with the distance and then peptalk mode. "You can do it! I KNOW YOU CAN!" instead of not being a d***bag about it. So he attributes my success to his Hallmark like divinity in the form of narcissistic distance. ...I flat out told him I know he isn't going to help me and I need to rely on him less anyway in a very cold manner.

I'm gonna do all I can today. And that means finally responding to posts on here.

Respect

'lo Wize, good evening to you today.

Have been reading your journal and such, have a lot to say but I feel kinda deflated lately. Feel like I might be running around on here acting like a d-bag. I know my observations can be kind of cynical and such... *sighs* Even thought about taking a self-care break to some degree. But I dunno, maybe I'm just running because of these feelings of old shame? Anyway, you don't have to respond or anything like that. I'm going to use this space right now as an aside from the diary thing. And again, you're welcome to do the same. Especially when it comes to trickier subjects for dissection or consideration. Though I am pleased that people are willing to discuss even things of that nature lately there! <3

I didn't add the part 2 to my journal earlier. Part of me wants to hide this. SO ended up doing a miserable attempt at an apology later that day. But an apology from him is usually a fauxpology. "I'm sorry, but YOU..." or something like that. This time it was, "I'm sorry, but you don't even care, anyway." I stood there firmly and presented calm body language. Think stillness. Straight up refused the projections. And said that I'd be happy to accept an apology not couched in blame, guilt, or shame. Let's just say I overwhelmed him. My eye contact and everything presented a way more stable, confident image. Unshakeable. He did give me that apology but tried to pin stuff, which I then smacked away.

Tried speaking about how we struggle with communications issues and noted plainly that sometimes even people from good families can play out negative behaviors or cycles. Well, again, he was overwhelmed. And told me he felt insecure, and that I came off as presumptuous. BUT. The real LOL moment is at the end when I walked away. He gave this poor little boy look and told me that he doesn't like it when I act as if someone's wrong with him. O______________________________O; Okay...

Then maybe DON'T act like a loveless, soulless, abusive psychopath that literally tries to manipulate and destroy anything that might be bad for his projected image and false reality. Like seriously. He won't even accept that he's flawed like normal people, or that his family and friends aren't "good people" he'll rewrite for them, too. I think that's the essence of narcissism- that omnipotence because of how hollow and void they are. They want to see mountains and beauty in that mirror when all that there is is complete darkness and a dead rat. I had nothing else to say, so I agreed to spend the evening with him if he afforded me due respect and we likewise were respectful to each other.

It was still a very soulless day. His previous outburst and re-iteration of a cycle were draining to me. I have more fun programming. There's a lot more to life than this. But it can be really difficult considering my energy levels. Am exceptionally tired. And...I can FEEL my innards when the mindf***ery occurs nowadays. This really does affect the body. And like I said before, I felt completely different when I stood firm and smacked away the projection and BS. Never been awake enough to realize how active these energies and interplays of them are!

@wizeakre

I can feel various disturbances in the force here. I'm probably gonna go on a self-care break soon. After I sat outside today in the nice weather, I realized how big this world is and how small this place I'm staying is. Also been feeling very dark. ***Trigger Warning*** Looking up methods dark. Being outside made me realize how tiny this bizarre world that SO tries to create is. How fragile, how tasteless, and unhealthy it is. Speaking of health, I've let my eating habits be tossed to the wayside and engaged in the same unhealthy behaviors he does when it comes to food. Constant snacking, weird eating hours, staying up til the odd hours playing video games. I feel like crap.

Saw my reflection and I feel really ugly and fat right now. X____X; I've gotta remember that I can dictate what I eat and when I eat. Still working on being in tune with my hunger cues. So hard. Typically, if I get into a routine I lose weight pretty quickly and I can eat pretty simple stuff. Throw the fact I've been drinking soda like no tomorrow. Mega X_______________X; It's terrible for you. Besides these bad habits, some other things have bothered me besides the stuff that's happened lately here as well. Dunno if I'll go on self-care break, or if it is a good idea at this point. Wanted to throw it out there just in case.

I gotta get this out right now....

So...I just got yelled at and freaked out upon because I said "goodbye" early. Then called "vindictive" when I started being cynical about it because he wouldn't let it go and it had to only be exactly as he had stated. The context is that I was unsure if I was gonna be up in time to say goodbye so I was wishing the dipsh*t well when he freaked the f*** out and kept saying "NO, IT'S THIS." "YOU CAN'T SAY GOODBYE WHEN IT'S EARLY."

I mean, I was literally berated for it continually and then made to sound like some demon. Then he kept saying how HE was NOT being nitpicky or anything about it. Because you just don't even say goodbye before bed or some sh*t. I was simply wishing the jackass well. Nope. "It's this way. It's that way. That's the only way it can be." I'm now going to manipulate and demean you for doing otherwise.

So complete f***ing berating because I simply said goodbye early. Because they had a business trip in the morning. And...y'know what? He never says goodnight to me anymore so it makes f***ing sense. This sh*t is the definition of crazy-making, and now I'm literally at a point where I cannot say goodbye or trivialities without getting f***ing criticized. Feel like my move out of here is gonna be sooner than later.

@wizeakre

How're you doing today? A little better I hope... but don't be hard on yourself if some chaotic feelings crop up due to being in a safer environment to deal with them in. *huggle*

Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.

I'm still kinda sick, but am starting to recover quicker. Got the chore of finding a new doctor due to mine closing up shop. I hope the site is actually decent now. lol Why is it that the healthcare sites are so poorly maintained? So odd. Luckily today it seems to be working. XD

...feels like its a time to chill and play video games, huh?

@wizeakre

Wize, not sure if you'll see this or not. But I wanted to throw this out there.

Gonna try to get around to posting stuff today, but in a bit of a panic due to some really creepy stuff. I made a goal to at least respond to your post on here- but I'm not sure how comfortable I feel commenting in your journal due to my circumstances within the support community.

I feel so sick from it. I'm so sad that this sh*t happened on here. So I'm probably gonna take a break for awhile- maybe I'll come back sooner after speaking with my psych today and processing stuff. Who knows? At this rate, with the way things are going I might be finally leaving the relationship and step into divorce procedures. I simply don't feel supported on here anymore. I thought it was a lovely community, and I'm sure it is to a point. But... it's clear what's happening- and that's that using my voice because I felt a boundary was crossed. Triggered, uncomfortable, whatever... only to get persecuted and thrown into some odd state of ostracism within the community. I guess that one outburst I referred to in the post is basically me talking to you on here as I tried to work through a panic attack about the "just leave" stuff that kept happening and the deletion of posts. I mean- you've been supportive and energetic to talk to. There's another person who is supportive as well and they've still kept talking to me- which I'm thankful for. But right now, I'm even afraid of the check-ins due to finding those people there. If I would've just played the dynamics game like normal, then I would've been rewarded with friendship currency.

At the same time, I don't wanna isolate or whatever. And I don't wanna be like that one person who stalked you and acted like a total mess. I'm not gonna be braying about this stuff and crying poor me constantly- trying to incite stuff. I tried to find out the best course of action... but it probably looks like my sorting out of feelings was running to you to talk sh*t. Maybe it was both? lol But I just couldn't believe what I saw.I don't wanna turn this into a me or them thing. That's too freakin' weird- too messed up. Hate putting people in the middle like that. You don't deserve that.

But it's pretty obvious I overstayed my welcome. So in the next few days I'll probably be on Self-Care Break mode after I respond to your post on here. Wanted to let you know exactly why. Figured you deserved that much as my friend.

Still feel really weird about that suspicious behavior I've been seeing offline. I really get the feeling voldemom hired a PI. I e-mailed my psych and simply asked if he sees that I'm still prone to paranoid delusions or whatever. It was more like I had heightened senses and was being traumatized over and again which led to more suspicions. ...right now, I feel like this behavior is very out of place. And there's no way in h*** I'm bringing this up to other people besides psych offline. I'd get gaslighted even more and then it would be used against me somehow.

Hmn. I really wish the f***ing idiot neighbors wouldn't get involved. But people around here are dumb and gossip or want to be in everyone's business. For all intent and purposes, I probably look like a criminal or something to outsiders. No one knows what the deal is. Gonna say this. People ask stuff about someone, don't tell them unless they're actually officers or social workers. Actual officials. Thoroughly get the feeling this person is just some loser with too much time on their hands. Maybe I'm getting too wrapped up into it...? It's just really frustrating.

I'm scared sh*tless of FB but I bet she'd have the nerve to post on there about her stupid exploits with hiring someone. ...I can totally see the scenario where she hooked up with some old perv who had money to fund her stupid BS. Ehhhhh.... I gotta stop. But this isn't good when I'm trying to get out of my agoraphobia. H***! This is one of the reasons why I am. Fearing being found by my FOO or this kind of stuff, not to mention persecution stuff.

Blarf. I'm gonna go do something productive and get past this. Hopefully, you're out enjoying the summer somewhere. The evenings have tapered off and been lovely here. <3 Wishing you the best wherever you roam.

Random musing...

The statistics and my problem with "just leaving"(no, I'm having difficulty not being frustrated by this somewhat still).

"Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended."

"Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the weeks after leaving their abusive partner than at any other time during the relationship."

Found this really informative article about this whole thing that sums up the reasons why it's so damn hard to leave. Especially when someone like me is having to literally rebuild myself up from scratch and do re-parenting to re-enter society/the workforce. https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/why_leaving_abuse_is_hard/

I want to be able to "just leave" so badly. I'm like a five-year-old right now trying to make heads or tails of my emotions, myself, the world, what's safe, what's not, and my place in it. You wouldn't shove a child out into the cold and expect them to hunt and gather like an adult. I hate admitting it- but my growth got seriously stunted and my own stagnation and fear devoured my life. But, I can only do things in the now. I'm going to do amazingly well this academic term, hopefully. Everyday, keep up the math until no more fear and much understanding. For programming, the same thing. And of course, socializing, adulting, and driving. I know one day, you will become even more Wize-y as well. <3 To live fearlessly, but not recklessly. It sounds nice, doesn't it?

This is gonna outright sound a bit weird. But do either of you have premonitions of stuff?

Since I've been doing EMDR and actually processing stuff weird things have happened. I think when you have dealt with trauma or extreme circumstances that come damn near close you have this gained ability to "taste the air" of situations. Been having stuff that might be classified as precognition stuff. lol Weird AF, right? Well...this has me concerned about the situation at my psych's office.

Have dealt with some really terrible people there in the waiting room. My agoraphobia/social anxiety crap doesn't help + the loaded up shame/guilt stuff. It's a busy place- like twenty or so different practitioners there. You see all kinds of folks. But lately, there's been this really nasty, angry younger guy there. My psych described the vibe this guy gave off perfectly. TBH, I'm worried he's going to hurt someone there. He's already insulted me for whatever reason before and I don't even feel comfortable being in the same room unless SO is there now. I really don't want to get caught in the h***fire of this person's BS. But there's something in my gut that tells me he's going to lash out there, it's not a STRONG feeling. But there's this baseline thing of "it's going to happen". That's what really is worrying. I mean, maybe it's just paranoid blarfy trauma sh*t. But I felt like this kid's anger practically infected me. It's creepy AF- like he spreads hatred wherever he goes.

Thinking about changing up my psych appointments again...but I don't wanna be a pain in the @$$ for my psych. Seriously... reading that creepy AF crime novel from Rampo didn't help. lol