Sesquipedalian

Been thinking a lot today...

Uh, how is this from any other day? XD

Well.. the thoughts, of course. lol

Just had a rather bizarre "conversation" or rather, exchange of words with SO. He literally tried to tell me to feel differently. Feel the way I wanted him to. NORMALLY, people would be like WTF. That is the proper response, ya'll. But my dulled stuff was like "..uh...hm.." However, I did tell him that I can't just change how I feel like that. I feel this way because this makes me feel X. It was about how I feel so restricted by the budget here. Not to mention the totally f***ed financial control he does, yet plays off the "nice guy" thing. I should be grateful for his fine work and the gifts I get. I am...but I detest being scolded like a child if I go over-budget by $25. Yet he can do whatever and gets no reparations- just idiotic justifications and how I'm "wrong" to feel irked by it. Also, he constantly goes on these tangents about self-help books he's read and how they were bullsh*t. XD Ugh...just the level of freakin' dark humor here. *blasts volume on headphones*

No matter how many times I try to reason with f***ed up people I get outmaneuvered. Not to mention I know I'm not the most sane person out there. X_X; Maybe it's just a good old justification...but I feel like people get freaked when they see the darker non-Disney emotions or thoughts. Oftentimes I feel like some wild woman amongst men and women. I feel an odd closeness to reclusive types who have lived with animals and away from society. Away from clothing, "norms", faux pas. Just them, nature, the animals, and survival.

I will say it right here. The more I look at group stuff and societal constructs I feel like it is all a joke. That doesn't mean I devalue each person entirely. These group situations and things like "family", "love", and other things. Yes. I know. Rather cynical. Typically, I value people who are simply trying to learn or be their truest best self. Which I have found people on here that are this way. Woo! Compassion/empathy. ...looking at things, I wonder if my heart is trying to steel itself for my upcoming egress out of this situation. I'll be like one of those cold career women. XD Hey! As long as I'm cool. trolololz. I feel this weird thing...is this...CONFIDENCE? O___O; This quiet certainty as I do my work lately. I see progress. This progress has an almost addictive quality. Or am I finally achieving the revered normal person thing of wrapping themselves in work to distract themselves from other matters? Hmn.

Blorf. These 2AM thoughts. I barely even brushed my hair today. Horp. I have a post planned soon. It's gonna be a list of secrets that I've held for other people. Ousted. Not anyone on here. But the things that I had to carry for years and still kinda have to maintain due to circumstances. Feel like I need to get them out there. Especially stuff about my mother and inlaw stuff. There is something so toxic about holding secrets, being forced to silently keep up the delusion. It's this pressure from their control. And believe it or not, there is an energy to that "pressure". So weird. I've had trouble breathing lately due to my anxiety and...drinking too much caffeine. X__X; lol

Well this was rambling. lol