Sliding down a slippery slope
I tried discussing this with a listener, but I guess she had an emergency because she said she'd be back and then never responded. So I suppose I'll get my thoughts out here.
I think what I'm experiencing is approaching verbal and/or emotional abuse. I'm an intelligent and independent woman, so I can recognize both our behaviors. Perhaps the most telling thing for me is that I don't want to tell my family or friends because I know what they would say. I know what I would say if another friend came to me with this. And all the thoughts are recognizable:
"But we've been together for 6 years..."
"He has every right to be angry at me, I was being thoughtless."
"He didn't really mean it. It was only because I hurt his feelings and he was drinking."
"He's under a lot of pressure at work and I'm just the only one he can talk to."
It's all excuses. I've seen it in his stories about his ex-wife and he's pulling the same thing now with me. And worse yet, I write this and I know it's unacceptable behavior, but I'm still going to talk to him about it and try one more time (and probably one more and one more...) to make our relationship a safe space for both of us. Because I love him.
So here's what I will try to say to him:
"I know that my actions hurt you and you have all the right in the world to be angry. You can tell me a hundred times that I've hurt your feelings, that you felt like I pulled away instead of stepping up when you came to me, that to you it feels like I'm more ready to quit on us than to fight for us. But you will NEVER try to make me feel small again. Not today, not tomorrow, not next year. A partner should be there to hear your struggles and your bad days and stand in your corner when a fight is getting longer and harder than you can handle. But NO ONE deserves to be made to feel small out of anger."
Now I just hope I'm strong enough to say it.
@nekokd11
That looks like a pretty good plan, except that I think saying things to him is only likely to work if he is consciously aware of what he is doing. People who behave abusively are often unaware, or not fully aware, and they may have genuine difficulty connecting what you're talking about with their own self-image.
An alternative approach might be to modify his abusive behaviour directly, without turning it into a discussion. Behaviour modification techniques are well known and you can easily find information about them on the Internet (mostly for parents working with difficult children, but the ideas are the same). Perhaps something along these lines could be a useful backup plan.
Also, some therapists have expertise in behaviour modification and might be able to help you. (But beware therapists who try to make you the problem.)
I'm on a break from 1-to-1 chats right now, but you are welcome to message me, if you like, and I'll reply as soon as I can.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
Thank you for the advice. I will definitely do a little reading on the behavior techniques. Also, I appreciate the offer to talk. I may reach out to you again before I talk to him.
It seems there was no right way to deal with the situation. Our relationship is over now. I know that I will feel a lot of pain very soon, but right now all I feel is a massive sense of relief. I hope that sticking with 7cups and sharing with all the wonderful people here will help me weather this and come out the other side.
