Something I've kept hidden.

I'll get straight to the point.

A lot has happened within my life and I've never really found anybody that could understand or feel the pain I went through so, I've kept my feelings, whether it'd be despair or pain, hidden because what's the point of expressing it if it's just a bump in the road, right? This made me more defensive and selfish since, I really can't find the joys of being with people anymore. I grew up fatherless, and based on what I've been looking up on the internet, I really am I'm still trying to cope with that fact, but it's certainly difficult when I don't talk about this without any doubts. I really want to learn and move on, but this one has been stuck on me for years now and I'm not sure how long I can last with the burden. The baggage of being fatherless really hits when everybody calls him horrible or something like that, I genuinely want to get past this, I'm doing my best. I feel like if I mention his name and what I feel, they'd disregard and simply tell me to ignore it all. My father is mentally ill, so I understand why he's not part of my life, but for my family to considtently mention and talk about him at random times or even when other family members are visiting, I can't help, but listen. I guess it's fatherless behaviour. Maybe I'm better off not talking about this with anyone since, family business. I just want to move past this feeling of abandonment and grief. He didn't die although it certainly feels like he did for me. It's painful to handle. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if anyone's going to realize how much it pains me to talk about father or even the slightest mention of it because it's really clear for me that, I have nothing. I have no connection with him. And that sucks.

Just wanted to try and be honest with my feelings, I still have a lot to vent about, but hey, some things are better left unsaid.