Something to do
I guess I've returned. Nobody cares, of course, but that's okay. I deserve my isolation.
This will serve as an open thread of my thoughts. Anyone is welcome to respond just don't expect me to hold a conversation. I'm not only extremely bad at it but getting to know me will just let you down in the end so I won't be answering anyone unless asked a direct question. Even then, I may not answer.
I don't know how long I'll keep this thing going. I've had every other thread I've started deleted in the past for one reason or another. This time, I'll leave it here. I may abandon it in a couple days. It could still be going a year from now. I don't know. My future isn't exactly something I plan for anymore since I've been a complete waste from day 1.
Like the title says, I just need something to do while I can. It probably won't help but nothing can help me anyway. Especially when everything is collapsing around me. So this will be here until such time that I disappear again.
Why did I come back here? Who knows. Maybe some part of me actually wants help. I really don't but maybe there's something there subconsciously.
Whatever. Nothing matters anyway. And who cares? Still nobody. All while I still endlessly crow into the abyss. I can only hope that it'll all be over soon.
I don't even know what I'm going to do anymore. Everything is changing. I guess suffering a loss will do that. You lose someone and things shift. I've had to do my best to show strength for the sake of others. Just so they know the world isn't falling in on them like it is on me. What I feel, every day, shouldn't be a feeling imposed onto anyone else. So it's all I can do to not be the wasted life that I am to lend what little strength I have left to others. I certainly don't need it. They do. So they'll get it.
I don't know if my "plans" have changed or not. But something has. I just don't know yet what that is.
I think I've made up my mind. All that's left is to get ready and then decide where and when. I didn't think it would be happening so soon but, well, here I am. It's almost time.
Guess this is stuck here now. I won't bother anyone again to delete it. Well.... I'm still going somehow. I really wish it would all just stop.
Don't tell me I can be repaired. There's no coming back. I'm broken and I always will be.
You can't be repaired, you can learn to handle the damage. Your cries for attention are not cries for help. Tell me you want help and I'm here for you. I'm damaged, T.B.I., Sensory overstimulation, Parkinson's...there is more. If you gave up how can anyone fight along side with you. I won't fight for you! Ask me for help. Tell me where the fear and pain are. I can tell you of mine, but again, not if you gave up.
@RealityCzech I make no cries for attention. This is just me letting my thoughts out. I don't want your help. I don't want you to fight for me. Don't bother trying because, whatever you want from me, you're not getting it.
Be safe and don't do this alone. There are others who will be there if you ask.
Note: if you respond, trying to "motivate" me in some way, it won't work. I don't want help. From anyone. This is just a place to collect thoughts. I seek no attention. And I definitely seek no help. So don't bother.
One more thing. While I'm in the act of "crying for attention" here, if I happen to get your attention, here's this: I am alone. There is no help for me and I don't want yours. Because even if I did ask, you don't care. Pretend all you want, but you really don't. I know you don't care. And I wouldn't expect you to. Nor could I trust that you wouldn't just say the same tired old cliches that do nothing.
After everything that's happened, I broke long ago. But the thing they don't tell you is that even while broken, you can be broken further still. And my old broken self was just broken in half. There's no coming back for me. Yes, I do give up. So don't bother trying.
@Rilon Hi, dearie, we all have things we are struggling with. And I can't even put myself in your shoes, I won't fit in them. But you can't dismiss help, I mean you shouldn't. You don't have to speak for everybody by saying you don't need their attention or you know they won't care. Your previous experiences shouldn't discourage you totally from seeking help when you need to. There are people that care, love, well I'm just saying. Be good and hang in there!
@NocturnalPrincess2397 I can very easily dismiss "help" if all people want to do is tell me how wrong I am. I only speak for myself when I say I don't want attention. And I know people don't care, as evidenced by a person in here assuming my intentions and deciding that I get to receive "help" that I don't want.
I appreciate your intentions with this post, so I'm sorry if I come across angry. I'm still a little heated from earlier.