Starting new diary
Oh boy where do I start? Today is Saturday 3 Octobe 2020 and there is no apparent difference from the day before. No matter though, it's not as if I am ready for a change yet. I've never been the type of person to comfortably welcome change. My past trauma has left me with an unwavering fear of change. I tend to panic when change happens because it feels as though I have lost control and am rendered completely helpless. Having to deal with that alongside my perpetual existential crisis, trust issues, mental health instability and little hope could be a tipping point and that petrifies me. After everything my past has given me, experience and scars, I am phobic of being hurt by people. It feels like my suffrage is never ending because I am living with a mind crawling with mentalities and thoughts I would rather cast into the void of space never to be seen or heard again. There have been times in my past where I have felt fulfilled and healed and I've desperately tried to find substitutes but it's been excruciatingly difficult. I would want nothing more than a woman of my own age or similar who I could hug and cuddle because times like those have been the highlights of my journey to the present day. Anyway I'm just rambling now, silly old me. Pardon my gargantuan ramble and blessed be your day.
This would be entry two to what hopefully people can judge me by and by no stretch if the imagination am I happy or content to write this day down but it needs to happen so people can love me for my impurities as much as my positives. Yesterday I was dealing with guilt. It was a powerful feeling of regret and self-hatred. I betrayed someone and felt as though my own mind had turned me for my pure barbarianism. I was so cruel and prioritised myself over the other person. I confessed my sins to the girl I like the most, expecting her to hate me and run away from such a monster like a whole group of people have done in the past. I was so scared of losing her and I begged her with tears forming in my eyes that I know what I had done was savage but I wanted anything but for my mistake to cost me a better future. To my surprise she forgave me but also prompted me to gather my tears and write a deep heartfelt apology to the girl I had betrayed and confessed about. After I finished my apology I prayed to God to ensure her wellbeing and fortune because I was scared that harm would come to her for a mistake that I had made and I knew that was not fair. I woke up today and checked my email to the relief that both girls had forgiven me for my selfishness. I still felt like I had a debt to pay and still do. That's all I gotta say for now. Thanks for reading.
@TheToastHostListener
Hi Toast, thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences with us. It was well-written and to me, I can relate to managing avalanches of emotions too. Trauma can affect us tremendously but I applaud you for embracing your thoughts and trying to work this out. Take care 
