TW: The Trials and Tribulations of a Kid with ADHD

TW: Mental health issues; medication side-effects; suicidal thoughts; dissociation; the f word (not the gay one); brief mention of eating disorders and self-harm; and strong sarcasm to hide the sincerity behind it

Let me get straight to the point for my fellow ADHDers. The root to most (all) my problems is my ADHD meds. I've stopped eating and drinking, am getting horrible sleep, feeling numb yet broken at the same time, and most tragically I can't stand up too fast. My depression and anxiety have been getting progressively worst over the last few weeks, suicidal thoughts make their surprise return, and the mood swings are getting a little wild. I'm fighting this alone because I don't want to share this stuff with my friends and family, my family is currently switching insurance providers so haven't been to therapy in months, and can't take anti-depressants because ADHD meds kinda traumatized me into thinking all medicines will make me sick with side-effects.

I know what you're thinking. Stop taking the meds, I wish it were that simple. I also wish I were exaggerating when I say, without Adderall, I literally can't read a paragraph. I wouldn't be able to complete one assignment for school. I don't want to change Adderall because other medicines may not work and if I ever gain too much weight (past eating disorder). I'm not addicted to Adderall, I've stopped it several times so I could fully enjoy vacations and breaks from school with no problems. I just could use a mental health buddy or two.

What pisses me off, even more, is no one realizes how hard I'm fighting. Everyone in my family loves me tremendously, but thinks I'm lazy, don't want to get a job, or doing the bare minimum in college. I'm so tired of fighting, I want to let go so bad. But I can't cause I have a family that appreciates my existence.

Please note I am in no danger of hurting myself or anyone else. I do not self-harm in any way or form and am currently preparing to begin my adult life.

Now, this situation sucks, but I've fought battles like this one before. I've come back from the pits of hell all by myself. However, something has been happening that really scares me. I've started feeling dissociated from the real world. For the first time in a long time, I'm scared I won't have the strength to come back up, that it'll be too much. I feel lost in my own mind and stuck on autopilot. I feel confused about why this is happening besides my inferior genetics. I feel angry this is happening. I thought I was stronger than this.

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I'd like to congratulate anyone with ADHD or problems focusing on making it to this section. The rest of this post will be me ranting so it isn't necessarily essential you read this, but for all my empaths, get comfortable.

I'm very open, yet secretive, about my mental health. I'll discuss every single detail about my past mental health struggles, but never about the ones I'm dealing with today. Mainly because I don't want people to view me as a depressing person to be around or feel like they need to help me. I come off as very bubbly, sarcastic, and funny with most people.

I have a positive self-view, am loved tremendously by my family, and completing my second year of college with awesome grades. Never experienced childhood trauma or discrimination against my Hispanic heritage. I never had to come out as gay because each member of my family asked me at different times and everyone supported me. Even my extremely homophobic grandpa flipped like a switch and even cried because he felt so bad. I am incredibly appreciative of the life I've been given. These are the things I tell people so they believe I'm doing great mentally because they're true, but I've only recently realized how broken I am. I'm pretty sure I had myself fooled for a while.

I genuinely enjoy spreading good vibes, making people laugh, and hyping people up. Helping people feel confident about themselves is awesome. I hope anyone reading this feels like a superstar! 😄