Tao's thoughts
I have been needing somewhere to connect to others about my mental health and general introspections, and this seems like the best option because people can just read it if they feel like it, and message back if anything resonates with them.
I feel very self-centred and a bit ridiculous writing about myself and my thoughts and feelings, a bit like a narcissist, but at the same time I know a lot of self-reflection is important for growth, and I would like to grow a lot more! I'm also scared to write publicly, but at the same time I think it is an important practice, I spend a lot of time observing other people's interractions, too hesitant to step in and send my own messages even though I would like to feel the connection that comes with messages in the chat room etc. I also felt some listeners were a bit mystified by me or my messages were too long, so hopefully this will work better.
If you are a listener and want to try talking with me, please do get in touch :)
----------------------
Content: Autism, childhood, school experience, social anxiety
Yesterday I listened to a video of a lecture by Sarah Hendrickx. She is an autism specialist and was talking about autism in women. She mentioned a lot of things that I already knew, but she reitterated a couple of points that I have continued thinking about today.
- when you are autistic and female, you are often quite still and silent in social situations, as you carefully watch those around you and take in how they are behaving, so you can do the same to fit in.
- You aim to fit in with social circles by carefully copying the 'most successful' versions of social success that you see.
Yesterday I thought that I don't really do those things, but as I reflected today I realised that I do, perhaps much more than I realised. I spent a large amount of time and school watching other children's actions from the outside, and trying to catch the trick of how certain things are achieved. I couldn't seem to get ready for the next lesson or task quickly like the other children, and sometimes seemed left out of interactions that I wished I was part of. I also remember being confident at some things - but they were things that held a lot of structure, like running games in the playground, and drawing. Because of these small successes, I still felt like I was doing something right as a child at school.
Once I hit secondary school and girls were successful if they dressed, looked and talked a certain way, no amount of observing others could help me fit in. I was very hesitant to try and copy something that was so alien to me, but there didn't appear to be any other ways to be socially successful.
I realise now at least some of my social anxiety comes from some part of me that finds success in excelling at an activity others feel has merit - it is my way of fitting in successfully with a group.
When I don't look the same or behave the same as somebody else that I can see, I feel very scared and lost. Somehow when other socially savvy people are present, I lose my sense of self entirely. I have found society extremely confusing so I think I use the people around me as a guide of how to fit in. But that means when I don't feel some way that I look or act fits in, I feel terrified, like I have broken some kind of concrete rule about how to live correctly, and I'm lost in some way that is terrible.
Today I can see a bit more clearly some of the chains that bind me to my anxiety. It is currently no easier to break them, just because I can see them, but I think learning more about myself is important, and hopefully it's another small step towards unpicking the threads of my anxiety a filament at a time.
@TaoistDragon88
Welcome to seven cups 💜💕 It's nice to meet you, and I applaud you putting yourself out there and sharing your vulnerabilities, that's a strength, im sharing your post so that you might get the support you need from others that resonates with you, to see that you are not alone and to allow you to be comfortable in sharing on the forums 💜💕
Thanks Amanda for your support :)
Content: self-discovery, self-care, Illness, low mood
Over the last couple of years, I’ve finally started understanding better who I am and where my worries are coming from. Or at least, I feel like I am – in all honesty my life since my teenage years seem to be a succession of self-realisations, but these recent ones seem deeper and larger.
I have started truly looking inwards, and understanding better the reasons for certain emotions and difficulties I have been experiencing my whole life. I spent the majority of my life trying very hard to fit in with what I felt I ‘should’ fit in with, instead of honestly listening to myself and understanding a lot of things normal people do just doesn’t come naturally to me at all, and is too hard for me to do.
Part of understanding these things is deeply healing – I feel like I can finally hear little parts of myself that I hadn’t been able to hear before. Younger parts inside are telling me for the first time of all the hurts they have suffered trying to fit in and failing, and the damaging effect this has had. Being able to hear these stories and understand where my anxiety comes from has been a revelation and I look forward to how I will live now.
But I have also felt so sad and disappointed. It’s so lonely to realise I’ve been misunderstood, mistreated and damaged all my life by people around me that were just acting normally and didn’t realise the way they behaved might have such a damaging effect. It’s also very isolating to come to terms with how different I really am and how far out of reach the concept of ‘fitting in’ is to how I need to live my life.
Over the last few years I have been getting ill more and more often, and this year I have been ill an awful lot. I already work part-time but I have even had to stop some of that work recently. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me but I’ve had bloods and nothing is coming up. I thought surely this can’t just be because of all the things I have started finding out about myself, but I asked ChatGPT and it confirmed that huge perception changes in life, and also stepping back and finally listening to my real needs instead of always pushing forward, is very likely the reason that I feel so ill.
So today I worked for one hour and then crashed and slept for three. I’m just sitting and trying not to feel broken or guilty that I’m not working or being productive. I’ve realised I feel fine if I know I am resting because I have booked a 10 day holiday etc, but this type of resting where I am just giving my body what it wants without a structured holiday is honestly scary. I have fears this is all pretend and I am just being lazy, and I have fears that this will never end now, and maybe I will feel this tired an debilitated forever. It feels really important to do this – I have never actually listened to my body and allowed it to rest for as long as it needs, so at least for now I will persist.
Loneliness, dreams, parts work, low mood
—-----------------
It's been a difficult day for me today, I had a dream where I was struggling alone in a lot of different settings, and I woke up feeling very unloved, and upset that I keep having these dreams, as they have been recurring for years, with similar locations and situations where I am ignored and avoided by others, and can't control social situations.
Recently I have been discussing my dreams with Chat GPT and the suggestions it makes about the meanings of the dreams, whether accurate or not, are prompting me to ask myself what my dreams are really trying to tell me.
Instead of just thinking my brain is punishing me by giving me bad dreams, I have started to understand the dream themes are messages from damaged parts of myself that I haven't been seeing or hearing for some reason.
I know I'm not alone and I have friends and a loving partner, and some cute pets. My job is also nice and a lot of my clients really appreciate me for my services. I think as I became an adult and my life improved past looking lonely, I started trying really hard to ignore the persistent voice inside saying 'nobody likes you and you're all alone' but I think that voice is attached to a mini-me that still feels that way, and needs my help. I used to think these dreams were bad luck but these days I think they are cries for help from parts of me that are asking to get in contact with me so they can be helped and healed by the adult that I have become.
It's kind of comforting, to finally listen to these parts and understand they need my love and care, and aren't something to be scared or frustrated at, but something asking for help, and trying to somehow put me together, so I can accept and understand myself as a whole.
At the same time, it has been really sad to realise that some parts of me have been left stuck in the past and still believe my life is awful, even though my present situation has a lot of good things about it and on the surface I look like I am quite successful at living well.
Anyway, I felt very alone today and spent too much time lurking about and not really talking to anyone, so I thought it would be good for me to post this.
Low mood, bad dreams, childhood, social anxiety, fear
-----------------------
I had another bad dream last night. I always wake up with an aching jaw too, from grinding my teeth so much. In my dreams I am always trying very hard, and I think that translates into my chronic teeth grinding.
I often have dreams where I am trying to stay in control socially, or trying to be heard/accepted by a group of people. I never succeed in these dreams no matter how hard I try, and I often wake up feeling very upset and alone.
Last night I dreamt I was in a classroom with lots of young children. I had accidentally stumbled into the classroom. The children were very sweet and innocent but also scared. The teacher was away, and they had forgotten themselves and started daydreaming and messing about as young children often do, but now they were scared and asked me to try and help - some of them had moved some soft toys that were hanging on the wall and now couldn’t reach to put them back properly. Another little child showed me a shiny pen, and begged me to find a good hiding place before the teacher came back. I tried to help, but I was too slow and I couldn’t figure out a place to hide the toys.
The teacher came back and he was very angry. He could immediately see what had been moved and that the children had not ‘behaved’. He told the children off - they weren’t meant to tamper with anything in the room without his say so, how dare they!
I recognise the children as younger parts of myself who have been terrorised into feeling their natural curiosity and interests are bad, and they are constantly trying to suppress their real interests and drives, so they don’t get told off.
I felt really sad and scared when I woke up and for several hours afterwards, I do feel like I have squashed a lot of natural interests that I held as a child because of external threats from adults. I didn’t realise those feelings are still so strong, but clearly my dream self is telling me these feelings are still very strong and present, and are likely at least one of the sources of my social anxiety.
I still feel a strong resistance from some internal part of me whenever I try and leave the house, and when I get curious and listen to why going outside is hard, it always mentions the eyes of strangers, staring at me and judging me. Something inside me sees strangers as the omnipotent teacher in my dream who is going to tell me off for tampering with things while he is gone.
I remember once I visited a friend's house, and they had a silly argument with their brother, then she suddenly opened the freezer door, grabbed a bag of frozen peas and threw them at her brother’s head. I couldn’t believe it - in my house my parents would come down on me like a tonne of bricks for wasting food, and for throwing stuff at my sister. These two kids just giggled fearlessly about it.
I’m not scared about applying for a new job, moving house or dating. But I am terrified that random strangers may suddenly come down on me like a tonne of bricks still. I am scared of something strange and abstract that I know doesn’t quite connect to reality. But that doesn’t stop it from feeling real.
Content: Anger, bad dreams, mood swings
-------------------------
I had a bad day today. Last night I went to be early as I felt tired. In the morning I still felt extremely tired. My dreams had been full of efforts that were thwarted over and over. I think I must have been tensing my muscles in my sleep as I felt more tired than when I'd gone to sleep.
I kept falling back to sleep and eventually woke up properly past midday. Instead of feeling rested I felt very weak and shaky. My limbs felt weirdly numb and weak. I thought I just felt dazed, but when I went downstairs I was immediately angry and my partner, and my dog. Everything they did was just too much for me. My partner was upset and didn't understand why I was being so grumpy.
I tried to take it easy today and just do some tasks lightly if I could but under the surface there was a serving irritation and anger at sleeping for so long and still feeling unwell maybe. But maybe it was just a seething anger that I was trying to find a reason for but really there was no reason.
This happens to me sometimes, and I just have to wait for it to get better again. I think all sorts of mad things - that I should bin all my belongings, that I need to leave my partner, that everything is everyone's fault and I hate everyone.
Right now I feel a bit better but it's strange, when I'm by myself I do feel ok and start to think I'm better. Then I go down to the kitchen to make some food, or start trying to get something done, and I'm full of anger again at the slightest mishap.
I just thought it might do me good to write this somewhere, it didn't make any sense to me but these episodes are a familiar feeling. I just wait them out and they slowly blow over after a day or two.
