The Inside Of Australia's Mind

Hello Empty Space we meet again. Today's topic of randomness is: Sleep

Today has started off rough because I woke up a 6 am and I didn't sleep well at all. I don't know why sleeping is so hard for me. I want to sleep but I just can't.

I've brought up not being able to sleep to my parents but I don't think they understand how much I can't sleep. I think that they think I'm just on electronics before I go to sleep and that's keeping me awake. Yes, I am on my phone when I try to sleep but it helps me fall asleep. It helps because if I'm watching something or listening to music my brain just stops thinking I guess.

When I try to sleep my brain turns into this overwhelming tornado of thoughts. I'm worrying or overthinking so many things and it just keeps me up. Another thing that keeps me awake is I get so anxious being in the dark but if I keep my twinkle lights thing on it's too bright for me to sleep. Even when I do manage to fall asleep I don't stay asleep for long and I end up waking up a couple hours later.

For example, last night I was watching a video and almost fell asleep. When I caught myself falling asleep I turned off my phone and it took me an extra 10 minutes to fall asleep. When I did fall asleep, I ended up waking up at 1 am and I got so anxious about a shadow in my room I had to turn on a flashlight because I needed to know it wasn't something else. After I managed to fall asleep again I ended up waking up at 3 am and I just fell back asleep normally but I felt like the rest of the night I was just awake but sleeping if that makes any sense.

(I don't really like using the word normal but in this paragraph, I am because it's the best word to explain how I feel.)

I want to just be able to sleep normally but I can't and I don't know what even "normal sleep" is and what if I can never "sleep normally". I feel like everyone else in my family sleeps fine and then there's me. Even when I say I'm tired like in the morning because I truly am my sister just says "You're always tired" and my mom either says maybe try sleeping earlier or something along the lines of that or if she is tired she says something that basically is this "I'm tired because of such and such and you always say your tired so just suck it up" (Those are not her exact words and they were nicer than that I guess but the way she says whatever she said a few days ago made me feel like that)

And my family saying that just makes me feel really selfish for even saying I was tired so I just try not to say I'm tired or say how I'm truly feeling to not be selfish.... yeah I'm not going to go into that feeling too much because that deserves a post all to its own.

Okie phew that was a long post

Thanks empty space for letting me just spit all that out.

To anybody who actually read this post... Thank you for actually caring enough to read it and sorry it was a long post

Bye bye for now Empty Space

so hi empty space. This topic is so random like r a n d o m so yeah deal with it 😂
Okie *smacks hands on table*
D O G S

Dogs are so nice and cuddly like w h a t

Like my dog.. her name is Merida she is the sweetest dog ever. She lets me just pet her and she can tell when I'm not feeling good and she lays with me and I just love her so much 🥺🥰

Today she's getting a bath and my parents said that as long as there is nothing my dogs can eat I'm my room my two dogs can sleep with me soooo I get to have a fluffy cudddly dog sleep with me all night like aww 🥺

So I love dogs and this is my random post

*gives dog to empty space* there now the emptiness won't be so empty with a dog with you Empty Space 🥺🥰❤️

bye bye for now Empty Space! ❤️

@Sydney113

*noms Syd* I'll definitely be reading along ♥

Ivy 🐑 Through the Fire, You will Prevail

What is happiness?

If you Google happiness the definition that comes up is the state of being happy. But what is being happy? I've felt happy when I've gone on a trip with my family or I watched a movie that I liked but that feeling never lasted. Something would happen and I would be reminded that I don't feel happy.

For me, it's easier to put a mask on and pretend to be happy. A year or two ago I made everyone around me believe that I was indeed happy. A friend at the time got mad at me because in her eyes I was perfect and had the perfect life. It's a little ironic now how I may have seemed perfect, but I was always beating myself up to more perfect. A part of me still wants to go back to that time when I was extremely good at pretending but then I also don't. Perhaps now I feel bad about pretending or maybe I don't want to be pretending anymore?

Yesterday my parents told me that I seemed happier than I was. I am talking with a friend compared to not talking to any friends for over 3 months and I'm out of my room way more than I was a month ago. The thing is I don't feel any happier though. I feel like all I'm doing is faking how I feel so I don't worry others and maybe I'm trying to convince myself that I'm happy.

I struggle a lot with describing how I feel because sometimes I don't know how I feel. Sometimes I barely feel anything and I have no energy and I feel like I'm in pain without being in pain. Other times I feel too much and it's overwhelming. And sometimes I feel happy but then I overthink that none of my feelings are real and I just have pretended to feel one way for so long that I'm starting to believe it.

Maybe what I feel is real or maybe it's all fake.

Friends

Who are my friends?

I have a really hard time making friends. I get really quiet when I meet new people and I have really high boundaries.
Right now I don't know who my friends are. Every time I make friends most of them end up leaving or I do something to make them leave.

Right now I feel like I have no friends. I have a friend who only talks to me when it benefits them. The relationship is very one-sided and I'm tired of trying to keep the friendship and have them not even try. I have other "friends" who don't even talk to me anymore. They only talked with me when we were at school or at my church. I don't know what I do to have people not like me. I really want people to just tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can change. I want friends but maybe I'm too selfish that I make them all leave or it's my fault because I sometimes leave the friendships.

All of my friends seem to be on here and I'm not complaining I love all of my friends on here so much but sometimes I just want to be able to actually text someone or call them or facetime and just talk.

Emotions

I don't really know how to show my emotions. When someone in my family is sad I don't know how to show my emotions to them. I just get really quiet and basically stare at them and maybe say something like I'm sorry and I hope they feel better. I don't know why I can't just show them my emotions and act like I really care because I do really care.

Another thing is that when I'm sad and I feel like I'm going to cry I can't cry. Sometimes the only time I can cry is when I'm alone in my room but even then I can't always cry. I end up just burying my emotions and act like everything is fine and that I'm happy but it gets so exhausting and maybe if I could show and feel my emotions I wouldn't feel so awful as I do right now. Burying my emotions sucks so much because then they explode and I have to feel my feelings even more intensely if that makes sense and that overwhelms me so much.

I just want to feel normal but then again what even is normal...

Selfishness

I feel selfish

Before anyone says "you're not selfish" that's just how I feel okay.

I don't want to talk about how I feel with others because I feel selfish. I should be happy. There's a lot of stuff going on in my family that's really complicated and therefore if I said how I really felt I would just get told I'm selfish probably. I feel like I only think about myself. I should just suck up how I feel and be fine. I need to stop being sad. I want to feel happy. I want friends. I want the friendships my sisters have. I just want a normal life.

I don't really know what the point is to anything anymore.

-Syd

Idk if this is going to make any sense. I don't even have something particular that I want to rant about. It's just 10:58pm and I don't feel great. I feel sad but also I don't feel sad. I feel like I'm in pan without being in pain. I feel like I'm tired but can't sleep..

and I just really want to say I'm fine but
How I really feel

I feel tired. I feel alone. I feel selfish. I feel ugly. I feel useless. I feel invisible. I feel hurt. I feel mean. I feel sad. I feel selfish for feeling sad. I feel worthless. I feel like I'm thoughtless. I feel like I don't matter. I feel like I don't belong.
I feel like an anomaly.

That's how I really feel. Feelings I would never tell someone.

I don't want this to be left on a negative note so

Things I'm grateful for

My family, my bed, my blankets, people who tak with me, kind people, sleep, ice cream, water, my dogs, and education.

TW: Caps
Idk what this post is.. I just idkk sentences are not being made right now.

Nothing is the same anymore

EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT

I just want one thing to be the same

Im rethinking all my choices I just want one thing to go back to normal

What even is normal? Any situation I've been in I haven't been happy. I miss quite a bit of people.

I want to go back to last year...

Human Connection

Thank you google for some of the smart facts in this post 😂

The googled definition of Human Connection is "an energy exchange between people who are paying attention to one another. It has the power to deepen the moment, inspire change and build trust".
There are two types of Human Connection: Physical and Mental. Mental connections can include sharing ideas and communicating with another person. We all know physical connections like hugging and touch.

During this really weird time I know for me I'm not getting as much human connection as I normally did.
When my state first went into stay at home I was happy. The idea of not going to school was so amazing because school makes me so anxious. For example, having to walk by strangers, waiting till I recognised someone in the morning so I wouldn't have to awkwardly just stand outside, and even getting out of the car in the carline at my school terrified me. I was excited to basically have an early summer. But it definitely was not the normal summer I'm used to having.

The last month or two at school was very complicated. I made some choices regarding friend groups that I don't think was the best idea. For the first week or two of staying at home I kept in touch with my friends but I felt like I was bothering everyone so I stopped texting first. And guess what... nobody ever texted me.

Since then I have started talking to people more but it's very little at times. I'm getting so little of human connection that I know it is affecting me a lot. I'm kind of just been feeling in-between moods. I'm happy sometimes but it switches into being sad the very same day. And sometimes I'm not even happy or sad I'm just in between. I just want someone I can always talk to. Also, I really want a hug 😂. I'm kind of an awkward person so I don't really like hugs or physical touch because of other reasons. But right now the thing I want so bad is just a genuine long hug.

I get small hugs from like my mom and dad and the awkward hugs I give my sister but that's it. I want a hug more than anything. But I know that with COVID I need to stay as safe as I can to protect my family so I'll be hug-less for awhile and I'm trying to be okay with that.

Maybe I will get a genuine hug soon or maybe I won't.