The Inside Of Australia's Mind

It's been a while since I posted here

I wish I could say that I'm content with life.. but I'm not.

I just go in the same circle of being Happy, then being in the middle of happy or sad, and then being really sad, and then being in the middle again and just having the same circle repeat.

I have zero motivation to do school work. I can barely focus on it.
I'm tired of wanting to reach out and being too scared to do it. I'm tired of getting so frustrated with people when I do try to talk with them and just have them tell me that it will get better, or I need to think more positively, or that I need to just be happy, or that I need to focus on all the good things in life or I need to just push through this mood I am in. Do you know how frustrating that is?

If someone is physically sick you tell them to get better soon and you help them and you check up on them. But nobody applies the same thing to people when it's mentally. Instead of having someone tell me it will get better can someone please say I'll help you and be with you till it gets better.

Here's another thing... it never feels like it gets better.
I have good moments and I feel happy but that never lasts. I compare everything I do to others, the way I look, how I speak, how I do school. I'm so exhausted. I'm so tired of not being able to sleep normally. I'm so tired of constantly trying my best but have my parents say I'm not trying my best with school work. Just because it doesn't look like I'm doing my best doesn't mean I'm mentally trying my best. I just want it to get better

But what if it never gets better? What if the same cycle repeats again and again? What if it's always like this? I just want help. I want to be positive. I'm trying I want to be positive. I want to be happy. But I don't know how to help myself.

It's so easy to be fake positive. I just give all my positivity to others. Why is it so easier to help others and be positive for them but I can never be positive for myself? I see so many others go through their own journeys and be happy and positive and then there is me. I just feel fake.

I feel fake and helpless and broken.

When will it get better...

I'm so confused about my life.

One minute I feel fine. Happy even?
Then I just feel stuck.
I'm just sitting at my laptop staring at my screen. I know I have school work to do, but I just can't do it.

I don't know what I want. I want to be happy. I want to overly plan my life and know that it most likely won't happen the way I want my life to happen but I still like having those possibilities.
But then at almost the same time, I can't even imagine graduating high school.

I want to feel better. But what does better even look like?
Even if I do get help I'll still have to do school plus my parents. I don't want to make my parents out to be super horrible because they are very good parents. They just don't understand my mental health. If I have literally no energy to do school work and I'm mentally trying my best they just tell me to find motivation and just push through it. Thats so frustrating.
But I guess they don't understand how I feel. I don't tell them anything. I don't tell them how every time I look in the mirror I hate how I look and I want it to change. But I guess they do know that. Their response to it though is: "Just love yourself." Or my sisters favorite, "Don't be like every basic girl."

Yesterday I tripped and I guess it scared me more than I realized. It didn't hurt but I was trying to play off that I was okay but I wasn't. Just a stupid fall and I had to go to my room and I start crying. I don't know why that is. There is so much stuff that is buried that maybe I'm just finding an excuse to cry.
But also, I have it way better than others. I should be happy.

Another thing I just love about others is their choice of words. I know I mentioned this in my other post but these words affect me so much. "It will be okay", "It will get better", "just pray about it", "just think more positively". Maybe it's just me being sensitive but these words invalidate how I feel so much. When I feel like nothing will ever help and it will always be like this I don't want to hear that it will be okay.
I just want one friend to be there for me and let me cry and let me rant and not judge me. But I don't have that irl. Nobody irl knows what is going on with me.

I don't even know what all is going on with me.

Lol hi this is a testing space to show someone how to use a gif or a picture on forums @Jenn7cups

I may have forgotten that this existed.

How do I feel? I think I feel trapped? Is that how I feel? I don't know how I feel.

I have medication I'm trying out now. I don't know if it's helping. Some moments feel better but others I just feel trapped. I feel like my parents are just trying to fix me. I think a part of me believes that I need to be fixed so I can just be "normal". I just don't know how to feel better. What is better? I want to feel better but what if I never fell better? I'm so used to these feelings. I don't know what it's like to not feel this way.

One thing my mom has said to me recently is that nothing will change if you don't put in effort. I don't know if I'm putting in effort or just going through life. I want to feel better and I feel like I'm trying to put in effort but what if the effort I think I'm putting in doesn't exist or isn't enough.
The more I think about the effort I don't put into feeling better, I realize there are many parts where I'm not trying to feel better. A big thing my parents know will help me feel better is opening up. They think it's easy. I realized I do open up but about the easy things. Some people know more about me than others but nobody knows everything about me. Some things I don't think I'll ever tell someone. I don't want to people to think differently about me. If I just tell them parts of me then they can't know the whole me and think of me differently.

It's easier this way but I know this way doesn't lead to feeling better.