The void box

So I call this void box because I figure I just keep posting here instead. Its a diary comm. so it kind of works. I don't really look around to see which community to post into, it just seems weird to me because if I'm in desperation for advice or help, I don't take the time to look for which category to post in first. So I'm making a void box.

I don't know how to categorize how I feel. And I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet. And by yet, i mean, I haven't asked my doctor yet. I only recently got into a hospital in this area I moved to just last year. 

Good morning. I woke up with bed head, to sounds of a busy neighborhood, cars passing, and birds chirping. It is louder here. If you grew up in the mountains, where peace in quiet exists, you will eventually get emotional damage here. And if it is night for you, then good night. 

Question of the day: Did you ever feel homesick to a place you knew did not benefit your growth?

4/22/24- 

Its that time of the month and it seems like so much is happening. It is earth day today, the month is almost over, and a handful of responsibilities yet to do. And all I want to do right now is lay in bed and watch Netflix. Not all day, but maybe for about two hours? please? Anyway, other than that, there has been drama (not personally) but for a neighbor the building I live in (there seems to be domestic violence and drugs involved, which is alarming to hear about. But nothing surprises me now, having lived in this neighborhood for nearly 3 years now). I have yet to be stronger and to control my emotions better and to better my communication and social skills... 

Question of the day: How do you cope living in a toxic environment?   

Sometimes I cannot fight how my body reacts to what is natural- today was a rest day, which kind of disappoints me, but it is what it is. Others might look down on me, but I cant control their thoughts. People will think and judge, unless they are a true Christian, then they at least try to get to know you first before judging you. Any who, no one care that I am writing this lol. But that is okay because I get less social anxiety at that. maybe someday Ill get a kick from my future self, and then I will feel the motivation to get up and move again. The world will continue to move with or without you, and I am content with that.

Once Upon a Crime. Have you ever see that movie on Netflix? Its not that good. It is creative and different, but it seemed too corny to me. I give props though because the plot twist was unexpected. Anyway, today wasn't as productive as I hoped, although I did do somethings I wanted. I'm allowing myself to catch up with myself again.

Question of the day: Have you felt bad for speaking up before? If so, what did you speak up for?

Vent:

"I hope you have a good day too, honey" - as he replied back. I am not really having a good day, its just mundane. Im getting tired of the arguing I hear occasionally from neighbors though. I was never the one to tolerate when people fight and I feel like I get second-hand trauma from it. That is what I get for living in this neighborhood, I do not have a choice either. The only way out is if i make enough money to move, but I cant see that sometimes, and it makes me depressed. I just want to be told what to do for a couple days, maybe that would help me want a sense of independence again. It seems the people around me right now are overstimulated by their job they do not know who to trust and turn again each other- passive aggressively; I do not like my roommate, he never liked me; it is hard to make friends when everyone is so judgmental; it is hard when your family does not believe in you anymore; it is hard when you do not know what to do on you own sometimes. I do not seem to have a shoulder to lean on, though I do have a boyfriend; I am in a negative mindset and if I were to speak up I just get dismissed. I feel I deserve this. They say I need help, but I do not have money. They say I need friends but I do not know who or where to go to start anymore. I am in a predicament. How do I manage all of this? Maybe its my thoughts and nothing more. If that is the case, I just need to change my mind, right? This truly makes me go crazy. No one would want to be friends with me. :')

Chernobyl...

It was another one of those days, sadly. And I have yet to take my exam. I'm scared of course I am, I knew I would be, but I'm procrastinating a lot lately. I think it could be from the lack of self esteem, and probably the time of the month. Its really  a block. It doesn't help if you feel like people and utmost everyone either hates you for whatever reason or thinks your boring for whatever reason, and I think so because of the thin walls, again my apartment. I use to be louder before but after realizing it is easy for people to hear, mock, and judge you, I became more and more quiet, and it just makes me feel small... You should never feel less than who you really. You shouldn't shame anyone for exploring themselves or expressing themselves, even if it isn't your "style". Besides, its better we all know different styles anyway, it expands our knowledge of culture and people I think.

Question of the day: Have you ever felt hated on, only to realize you were just overthinking? If so, how did you realize that?

May 1 2024

"Sometimes you have to close the door to open a window" - TTC

So far this week... I honestly don't know lol. Neighbors fighting about whatever. I'm just glad I have one person and my family to call to help keep me sane. I am learning that although the apartment I live in is not low-income housing, there are still some low-income families and people who do rent here. Its totally out of my control. Still, does that really mean it excuses you to be a bad neighbor? As I thought more about this, I realized some things in life.... It is what it is.

Question of the day: Who do you go to after a mental breakdown?

On a normal day, it is overcast. But on a not so normal day... it seems more noisy and it doesn't mater if there is rain or shine. I was told to do my part. And it is what I want to do, but sometimes I let people get to the best of my emotions. I recently learned about "dark empaths" and though I still have some research to do... lets just say, you never stop learning in life; there is more to people just being "evil", in fact you should not label people evil at all because there are actual names for that which involve psychology and physiology of the human brain... And probably more categories and subcategories. 

Question of the day: Have you ever encountered someone who could be a dark empath?