The void box

Wow. I just had a though not too long ago and I just forget it. My memory has not been straight, just sometimes. 

I feel different right now because today, and at this moment, forgiveness is in the air, and everyone just feels happier and lighter than other days. I pray for more days like this.

Do your part. What does that mean? I can do my part if I know what it is, but if you have expectations for me then... is that even fair? I was watching a series called Baby Reindeer, interesting but idk if I will continue. But the guy in the series (aka. baby reindeer) should really take responsibility for himself, like, speak-up and be clear and have boundaries. But then again, that lady is a stalker and does not know what boundaries are. Maybe I will continue watching this show just to see how it ends up. Anyway, the guy should be doing his part, but idk why its so hard for him. I'm only 2 ep. in. Do you get this series?

Question of the day: what do you do when someone is talking to you and you just don't know how to respond but they just demand an answer other than idk?

Baby Reindeer series... Wow. Too real to the point where it made me feel uncomfortable as well. To my apt. neighbors: I apologize if you heard me playing this show late in the evening, but damn. I admire shows that are able to capture such real and raw moments. Sadly the unfortunate moments they still happen till this day. With that said, I also feel a new empathy to those who ever experienced sexual violence and drug abuse. This show made me remember my neighborhood in a way, with certain neighbors in particular... For those who do bad things we often do not question what hurt them and judge them right away which is sad...

Question of the day: what movie or show made you see real life in a different light?

I'm onto something but I forgot yet again on key ideas, what to say, and how to look. I had a job interview today, the person who interviewed me seemed nice and the coworkers there seem nice. I like it. But the interview was short, and I forgot to ask questions I wanted to. I had an anxiety dream last nigh too. The only difference now is, I have a bf who I know loves me, a family who I know loves me, and a little bit more confident from my last interview (maybe a bit too much, but still). I have yet to be contacted and if not then that is a no. But this time I am not as worried. This time I learned to be content with whatever happens.

Question of the day: If you are an introvert (like me), what is one of the biggest things you do not look forward to in a job interview?

Your words are like poison

they evaporate to the air and form clouds

And I am the rain

when it rains, it pours.

You will see life before my footprints.

The people who judge you do not deserve your attention. Your future deserve your attention.

I know it is hard to go on without much, but one steps leads to another, next think you know, you are walking, before you are running then soaring. This is cliche, but never give up. No matter what life throws at you, no matter what anyone has said, hold onto a little hope everyday you can.

Question of the day: what was something you had to sacrifice to meet your goals?

I finished Baby Reindeer! It is so insane to also know that.. this series was actually based on a true story. Damn... The ending of Baby Reindeer was kind of funny though, how things come back around full circle. This show made me want to understand stalkers more, and the warning signs of being stalked. At one point while watching, I believed I was being stalked by my roommate, but I cant really say that because.. as far as my roommate popping up in the room I am in, going back to their room when I go back to my room (which is next to mine), and using the bathroom almost all the time after I use the bathroom.. there is no other evidence to call him a stalker. And I rest my case because, as days go, I learned to protect myself. That is, if you feel someone is stalking you, have a safe space to go to, let your friends and family know if you feel endangered or worried, and just have clear boundaries. Of course, there is more to it, but we are free to do our own research aswell. 

This show also had me wondering the environment to which how stalkers are even brought up. Also if they could also be categorized as a sociopath or something... But anyway.. having a stalker seems very very nerve wrecking.. If you have been stalked I am sorry what you had to go through and hope you are okay now.

Question of the day: what show or movie made you realize something you did not think much about before?

I am honestly so done with the building I live in. Counting, maybe only 3 years of living here. I just cant do it. So, in addition to "stalkers", the apartment next to ours are relatively close, with the other building's parking lot in between. The window to rooms from my apartment can be seen from the other apartment's, I believe, living room. I know, I know I sound "nosey" but I am the type of person who hears a lot of things and I only talk more about certain things that bother or make me uncomfortable... I would hear the room directly across from my room talking and more than one I believed they were talking about me. They have a family though, or probably friends they talk amongst, I believe to gossip about whatever also stresses them etc (I get that is normal, there is nothing wrong). I am also the type to take things personally when gossip is involved, especially when I feel like its about me (and I say that only when I have a weird feeling as well). I also fear defamation, if I were to get involved in that for whatever reason. My point is, I have been closing my curtains more often. I have been slanting the all the window jalousies lately, and I have not been feeling like this place is a safe place to be myself. For context, I can be a weirdo. You live near me, maybe you heard me singing loudly, or talking a bit to loud, all for because I am happy, but maybe my neighbors might think I am childish maybe, i do not know. I just notice when people talk because I can hear em. I also can hear when they laugh, which now sometimes makes things not fun... Maybe I am being hard on myself, I get that... To share happiness is a wonderful thing, but when noone connect with your joy, you just seem like a burden. I dont know. I am not saying that when I am happy and content that I am naturally loud and wish everyone else was and shared the same vibe, but I am saying I wish people were more kind and understanding, not so easily annoyed, and if you are annoyed just talk to me and tell me to be quiet instead of gossiping maybe. But I know that is unrealistic of me to believe that could happen... There is alot to talk story about this, but bottom line I guess is, I miss having fresh air without leaving my home sometimes.

My roommate is annoying, I think I am bipolar, and I just waited 3 hours for my mochi cake to finish baking. Today was another period induced day. Just kidding, I am not on my period, I am just moody today. And I blame my roommate to the fact that he is a lies and gossips instead of compromise his "needs" but I cant say to much about that because "I do not have enough evidence" and just base this on the vibe he gives. If you don't compromise with me first I wont tolerate you. So I've been ignoring him harder this time. And by "harder I mean, I am not being nice to start a conversation first if he doesn't. He's only gonna gossip about me not talking to him then I will really act that way. What's the point of staying nice? Anyway, its storming hard right now... I really do miss this rain.

Question of the day: how do you prevent having a bad day ruined by someone you do not get along with well?

I continue to stay silent as my roommate chooses to stay in his room today. Maybe I was right about him hating me? I might have pushed his buttons. I showed my real self through my actions, by ignoring each time he came into the living room when I was there. Does he hate me more now? Maybe, because yesterday he seemed to drink all day. I was hesitant to just ask him "do you gossip?" to find out if he actually does gossip about me or something. But he never came in the apt, yesterday until my bf and I went out to do errands. Not sure if he hates me now or more, but either way, he would never talk about it it seems. I was nice, but I stopped being nice by ignoring him completely. I hope he remembers why. But based on all the alcohol he drinks he might've gotten brain damage, honestly, he forgets a lot. I continue to be silent. Today is a nice day. 🌤️

QotD: Should a person care if another person thinks they're "weird" for asking them if they gossip about them? How do you even confront that stuff if they don't talk to you?