The void box

Me, before, alone when my bf is at a meeting. Me, after, when he comes back.

I feel like a lot of girls look at relationships as a dream they want, regardless what sexuality you are, but for someone who is bisexual (pls don't judge me) having a relationship almost seems like a drama comedy. Idk. I also feel like a lot of bisexuals are so funny. They have the best humor in my opinion. I lone time wished I had a bisexual friend just because I know we get each other more than anyone else just because of the humor. Weirdos now-a-days are hard to find, they're a diamond in a rut to me though. 

QotD: Never afraid to be yourself is one of the things we are told as kids, but what do you think of that saying as an adult?

When in doubt, fu** it and say you tried. I feel like thats my new motto now. Church taught me to love my neighbors but if they dont love me then I cant do anything. Drama isn't worth it. Id rather be happy.

It was a great, lovely week. Im glad to spend more time with my so. Some days could have been better, due to weather. But other than that, I got to get out the house. It helped me gain more confidence in a way, just smelling more fresh air, not caring about noisy and nosey neighbors for a bit. Sorry but not sorry. Dont let yourself forget how good it is to be outside, even if you might feel nervous at first. I finished the week with a docuseries. It was called Dancing for the devil. It was a bout a cult related to these *** dancers who seem popular. Its just crazy how easily these cults are created and also the turmoil the victims go through, after realizing they were brainwashed. I feel bad for them and felt for them. One of the two Korean sisters broke my heart. Another thing I've seen was a movie called Martyr. It was a horror/ revenge story (very scary and not good for the squeamish, imo) honestly, I did not know this was a horror! But it shared a meaningful message. It was twisted and messed up honestly. I felt so bad for the two friends. Probably never gonna watch a horror film for a while, but yeah. 

I also felt more relaxed to let things that bothered me go. It is called "the let go theory". I learn more about boundaries, and what ever happens, happens, and as long as I am in control and keep working for my own good, good things will come back. Thats all...

QotD: what was something you realized later in life that you wished you knew before?

Man... When things change between you an your friend, at first it hurts but if it is a slow change, what does that mean? Im sorry... I am upset because I built the courage to message my old friends and I couldn't help but feel judged. If I am to blame for anything, maybe I am a bad friend like one of them said. I didn't know it, but at least they texted me about it. I still do not get why they thought I was a bad friend because when I asked them "what are these messages about?" they told me to ignore them. This was back in high school. I didn't know what to do, so I just did what they said, and deleted those messages because I was just feeling scared. Man... I just dont have strong social skills I think. The people I am around now only cared about themselves. So they wont help me grow. Only now, I can choose whether or not to text them. Maybe I'll wait 4 more hours... Then I can wish them a happy birthday, like I would use to.

But other than that.... My apartment has the shttiest laundry room, one washer is broken once again. smh. I am hangry and emotional today, but in the back of my mind I feel okay despite the storm, I want to hold onto that little piece of happiness for as long as I can today.

This is a story about an underdog. An underdog: someone who is not the favorite of many, but still contributes to something; a person who is thought the least to succeed by most people. Do you remember in school, our teachers taught us to listen and be kind? I learned that sometimes, as an adult you forget that. Or maybe it is just the adults I knew. They all seem kind, until you hear them trash talk in the background. Once I heard my hero trash talk about women, I felt so disappointed. Then I realized the differences in demographics make a big choice in how people treat each other and think of each other. I was disappointed to learn that in the new age we live in, there are still some poor people with poor actions and mindsets. They are poor because they teach their kids how to curse their enemies instead of befriending them and making peace; they are poor because they believe material is what makes them rich and that is a better distraction from the truth. I am sad that the idea of a "rich" person does not exist where I live right now. A rich person who is also rich in the word and God. And as a person who is sensitive to what I hear and see, I get overstimulated when I hear arguments. I get uneasy if their arguments get real bad. Anxiety and sadness eventually drapes over me over time. I have my airpods but you can still hear the bicker and arguments. The only way I get fresh air and a clear mind is stepping out of this place for a while... That one week that I spent with my s.o.. I was also having anxiety that this happiness is temporary until I go back. Thinking about that dreads me, and I was okay for a bit, until two days back home, the neighbors noise, the arguments... slowly made me miserable again. I know, its life and everyone has their own family and their own life... but why I don't get how hey can fight so easily? And if it is something mental, why don't they just take a break? The world seems crooked at this angle to me. Sometimes I hear arguments about money... Other times I hear arguments about a girl cheating on his man... in addition to kids screaming at the top of their lungs and screeching... I got to the conclusion that: what if everyone is just overly stimulated by each others noise? And they just don't know how to handle that feeling so they just become loud themselves? 

I heard a quote before for the aeries zodiac sign. That sometimes they feel they need to yell to be heard. Maybe this building has alot of aeries? They are a fire sign... I dont really know. But I hope I find new happiness and purpose soon.

Summer time sadness kicking in... 

Perception bias is real... I was also told by someone close that favoritism exists and that is just how the world works. And I can be hard headed when I hear something like that, because I want to believe in justice. Is it about justice?... It depends on the situation maybe...

For one thing, I finally got to ask the question that was on my mind for years. A personal question. Its been 6 years. Long story short, that thought I had going on in my head, was not as real as I made it. I was lucky that I couldn't handle keeping everything to myself, and finally asked my friend if what she said about me being a bad friend. And she said she forgot what she had said. I felt so guilty for so long, I honed everything in, and believed that I was a bad friend, when I shouldn't have. I'm glad that what I thought was a risky thing to just ask, it was just weight being lifted. The thing is, I had to do that myself.

I had to ask myself.

If I waited any more and longer, who knows. I am starting to learn about what it means to be independent. 

QotD: Why wait to say what you need, when you are the only one to create a burden of hidden turmoil?