The void box

I did not get a good sleep... I woke up at 3am to someone's loud tv again. I tried, but did not go back to sleep and stayed up. I didn't sleep well bc my bf was snoring. i cant wake him up bc he needs rest to get better (he was sick) he wanted to return to work today. I fell asleep around 6am when his alarm went off. I woke feeling achy. 

Coffee-Bea

Honestly, if you have a feeling and need to say something, say it as soon as possible, or suffer your own consequences. Or learn to forgive and move on. Best advice, next to the advice I got on assumptions: "When you make assumptions, you are making an *** of u and me... get it?" I sure hope... and deeply hope... that more jobs become available in the future. What my 6th grade teacher haunts me in the back of my head like a dim light, "be out of the house as much as possible...".

QotD: have you ever felt so numb, that any change in life didn't seem like a big deal to you until you looked back at it?

I was in a good state but slowly declined. I like to have hope for my life. But when I am doing everything by myself, I cant help but feel like a failure when something I look forward to, does not turn out how I expect, even when I tried to communicate. I turned down a job because of schedule and availability. And when I thought was an okay decision, my boyfriend thought otherwise and made me feel stupid because I wasn't thinking when I should have been...and I told the job that I could not do it because of the schedule and transportation situation I thought I had. We share a car (his car). My boyfriend tells me that it could have worked it out, and I would just walk after work... Main thing is, I wanted to discuss this with him many times about our transportation. The fact that he has meeting with clients means he would need the car. We only have one car. How was I supposed to know and be confident that the job I turned down had a schedule that was actually fine if he didn't take the time to plan things out with me? Does this mean I should have an overall open schedule? And have no consideration to his schedule? I feel so washed and mixed, because I wanted to plan things out, and he is just telling me it is my decision, doesnt matter what job I get, even if he might be disappointed if I do get a "non respectable job" because in the end he will say it was "my decision", whatever he means I dont feel he is with me... I didn't care if I started at mcdonalds because I knew I needed experience and the fact that there is very little opportunities, I dont live in a big city where jobs are everywhere. The way he talks about jobs makes me feel like its a big deal what kind of job I get. And its messing my confidence.  I feel, pointless... It doesnt matter anymore. If he saids its my decision then an overnight job is included I guess? Who cares... 

Big Theif - Mary

Is it really this... Its not just pms. Ive been this way for a long time it seems. The biggest crush is realizing that everything you thought was real was all in your head. Nothing wrong with my relationships, I mean, Im talking about everything that i have possibly ever speculated, assumed, thought of, felt, of which were "negative" and not that good to my mental health. I just wanted to be right I guess, maybe its because thats how I tried to gain control when I didnt have any? 

Good Neighbors - Home

I am more than my negative thoughts. Im thankful to have the few people that are more mentally stable than I am to remind me that. It will be hard to get over this old habit of thinking that certain people are just there to attack me and ruin everything of me, and that will take a lot of time and self care. Self care meaning, checking on myself instead of depending on my family and friends to check up on me. 

Too hot - Paula Fuga

As my playlist continues, I cant help but be affected a little, Im not sure why. Is there a mental condition for that too? Just curious... It is hot now that it is summer... Im learning how to have thicker skin. If you are going on in life still afraid, you are brave.

What I realized today:

1. poor minded people can feel when you notice them and judge them. By poor minded, I mean weak minded; people easily hurt. I guess you can say insecure. 

2. it takes time to change.

3. Strong minded people don't gossip because they have more important things to do and think about.

4. your personal motivation has to do with your mindset, so set your mind on your priorities and what is important in the moment. 

5. Time is upon us, Neo.

Not feeling emotionally met is such a big thing. I know what its like to be hold and not be held. My sensitivity and I, holds me back in return. 

Poor boy cant see it. And I cant run away anymore. 

Listening to music has grounded my soul when no one else could.

It is important to go out from time to time. Even if it just means stepping out of your room. The power in self confidence is strong. And once the world sees you, they will learn to follow. So never be afraid, because the angry people in your life are only a character in your story book.

Why... Sometimes i wonder why i am crying. Nothing was wrong, people were just being honest. I have narrowed it down to my own mind. I am not strong enough, still, till this day. Or maybe I am just tired of repeating myself. When I vent about my relationship, it seems one sided. But I have tried to speak my ways and true feelings. Only to have people forget. In their book, I do not deserve respect. When I try to do things for myself when I finally have the energy to, I am not rewarded but instead people are surprised. Still, they are encouraging. It does not feel genuine. Maybe I am paranoid, but I am not a fool. I just believe in others too much, I just depend on their words too much, when I should be the one depending on myself. That way, there is less crying, there is less disappointment, and confusion, and hurt. Trust yourself, to free yourself... Its what they say. Corny and true.

Honey, it hurt me so much... when I felt the need to finally tell you that I needed to go, so we could both hang up our phones. I know you call me everyday, but what for? You are tired and not have much to talk about anymore. I wish you were just vocally honest. Just tell me you are bored. I no longer wish to feel any more like a failure. I want to be listened to. Why... why do I cry so much?