Thought patterns..

It's the out of body experiences, those that I'm looking at myself and only seeing shadows and pieces of what is clearly in my head trying to keep me from happiness consistently yet it feels real enough that I fear what may take place and am taken away from a reality that I know and want.

It's the moments where in this darkness I feel paralysed and unable to find a way out. It's the inability to fully put these moments I find myself in into words that make sense of where I am right now. It's the want to scream and scream but nothing comes out, like I'm clawing at the skin I am in, caught behind glass like animals at the zoo. It's drowning, but everyone around you is breathing.

Hearing audible cues of what type of person I am, totally silent to the rest of the world, "you're worthless", "you won't amount to anything", "just look at yourself you ugly half cripple" "no one wants a f**k up retard like you" and copious others common perhaps however with the scariest of them all the laughter, the most evil laughter that stops me cold as he watches me a young boy his laughter is what scars me the most, usually in that moment I am in tears not wanting to give in but to hide away because I don't want you or anyone to see me like this for I fear you'll all walk away, I'm trying the best I can.

I want and need you closer than you are, more right now than ever before, just as much as I have thought you may want and need me. It won't always be sunshine and lollipops but every moment together will always increasingly be the best that has ever been experienced. To share in my triumphs and sadnesses just to know you are there for me is more than I could ever ask for and ultimately seems selfish perhaps not.

- Ink