Thoughts about "being a woman" and "1 year withOUT mother"

SO many things are effed up at the moment...

1st TL:DR: I am so tired of FEELING LIKE I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE BEING A WOMAN AND EXISTING. And I am so tired of all these people who seem to be completely clueless that quite a few people LOVE making others feel bad, and that making women feel inferior and their problems trivial BECAUSE they are women is one way to do that.

HOW are there so many people that do not understand why someone would feel like they need to apologize for being a woman.

I mean... It's not like every outlet screams at me that I'm too ugly, too fat, too dumb, too poor, too this, too that, to be WORTH anything. It's not like I get called a BITCH or a FEMALE (or even a GIRL) instead of a woman, or Miss, or Lady, or ANYTHING respectable.

It's not like I get verbally slapped in the face when I say I'm a feminist, but not a feminazi, and then get insisted by the same people to EXPLAIN why I'm a feminist, and THEN get told that I'm not a feminist... I'm JUST a NORMAL PERSON. (Well, I'm sorry for believing in equal rights and I'm sorry that makes me a freak in your book.)

It's not like I have to apologize every time I complain about a man raping a woman, or a man beating a woman, or a man insulting and ghosting a woman. It's not like TOO MANY PEOPLE tell me I'm a baby-making machine because I have ovaries. (Okay, they say You'll regret NOT having kids or You'll want kids one day! or You're not a REAL WOMAN until you've given birth.)

It's not like people INSIST on me explaining EVERY SINGLE OPINION and FEELING I have before these same people in their infinite grace decide that I have the right for said opinion or feeling. (Or god forbid, I get told that MEN TOO FEEL LIKE THAT.)

(Oh, and a slap on the face on this one: I got told to Apologize for my grammar FIRST. when I first said something about this. Sorry, english is not my first language and my grammar is probably shit sometimes.)

Then there's....

My mother. It's almost a year since I quit talking to my mother. All the nightmares, all the headaches, all the anxiety and panicking. I know I should be making lists of all the good things that have happened in the past year, but all I can think about...

I was 8 to 10 years old when men started using me as sextoy online, and according to my mother IF something happened... It was MY FAULT, because IF something happened, I must've ALLOWED IT to happen. (I WAS TEN YEARS OLD YOU DUMB OLD COW!)

Her claims about how much she loves me, over and over again, and what a good person she is. How she has NEVER tried to control me, manipulate me, tell me what to do, what a GOOD PERSON she is... BLAH BLAH BLAH.

How she always made me feel inferior, trivialized and insecure. Use Tampons? Nope, you can't, says mommy. Bleach my hair? Nope, says mommy. New haircut? Did you even brush your hair before you left home?, says mommy. Finish highschool? WHY BOTHER, you'll never get a job with a HS diploma, says mommy. Move to another city, because I'm miserable here? NOPE, because MOMMY DEAREST WILL BE SOOOO LONELY and WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS??

Well, dumb shit. I've been on my own for a year. I have bleached hair. I use tampons. I wear makeup. I wear clothes and listen to music you would NEVER accept.

And guess what? I DON'T NEED YOU and I'M HAPPY!