Walking through my old playground

June 17th 2020

Sometimes I think Ive progressed far. I think I am a huge deal away from that of my past self, yet as everyone else, I fall back sometimes. Today is a day that I did, I fell back because I got the same feeling as I used to when I was bullied alone and had no friends when I was younger. I lost a friend because I wasnt enough for them to keep me around, and my other friend is just in a miserable place and dosent come to me for advice for it. I just I can feel like that same girl just reading and drawing, and I was today. I recently visited my old school with my s.o, I told him only the good memories I had of that place because I couldnt bare to make him think I was miserable there. Then at the end I told him a couple daunting stories and I said : there was the playground I got beat up and made fun of. He turns to me and he looks at me and his smirk from all the good I was telling him went down to a look of concern. And he just didnt say anything, he hugged me. It was a different kind of hug, the kind of hug that stays in your memory. he then sees me crying and he wipes my tears and says if I were here with you then, I wouldnt of ever left your side. These people were too dumb to notice the beautiful soul I came to love and I just... he made something I hated about my past to such a beautiful memory... sometimes I feel like hes the only one that makes me hold on; he is how Im dealing with what I am dealing with. I keep reverting back and panicking about what other people think of me, how I should be better, what I should be... when really all I need is a step back and a clear mind. Even during these times I know, I KNOW even if I feel weak I am strong and that day by day I am making minor improvements. That even if I feel like I went back in time, I know I am still proud of the beautiful 18 year old woman I am today. My childhood wasnt good, but it taught me lessons that most my age havent learned. I have tools I can use to help guide me through life, and all my misery and the things that have happened to me, make me who I am. I definitely dont deserve any of it, nor am I grateful to learn the hard way. But I am proud of who I am. thats all thats enough. As for my love, he is my soulmate and I wish to stay with him for my entire life, he grounds me, and he can make demons of the past into loving memories. I cant tell you how much he means to me... Im sorry if this is all cheesy stuff, but nobody can ever mean anything close to what he has provided me. I just cant help expressing it.