Wanted to let go of problems

TW in advance

im probably going to talk about domestic violence, self image, relationships, etc.

anybody is welcome to comment

domes violence

So lately i’ve been feeling like everything is trapping me so i wanted to just tell someone everything i’m feeling. i live in a home with an abusive dad. i’ve been dealing with this since i was born (fighting with my mom for like 20 years). until recently it’s been manageable. about a year ago i started having panic attacks late at night. that was really scary. it became less frequent for a while but now they seem to be coming back.

moving

a few weeks ago we also moved to another country. i had about a month advance notice, if that. i moved a lot as a kid and i really didn’t want to leave my friends because i had never had friends that lasted that long. (6 years) we aren’t gone forever, just about a year, but i’m staying in school online so i have no way of making new friends. i’m worried that being stuck in the house with my parents constantly fighting is going to make me go crazy. my friends were my support and my escape and now they’re gone.

online school

online school has also been really hard. most students are back in person so being online i feel left out. half the teachers don’t even pay attention to the online students.

Body image

also i think i have really bad body image. i’m pretty tall but i see myself as overweight. compared to my friends i feel huge. we go to the gym sometimes and some of them say stuff like “omg i’m so fat” or “oh thank god i have a thigh gap in these shorts” and it ruins my day. i know they aren’t trying to make me feel bad obviously but it’s not a good feeling when someone smaller than you calls themselves fat. one time my dad called me fat too. he doesn’t have a filter. he just says without thinking and never apologizes.

Relationships

i have a long distance relationship as well. we’ve been dating for almost 5 months now. i trust him with all this stuff and i tell him about it but more often than not he doesn’t know how to make me feel better. he usually ends up saying something like “oh well other people have it worse so you shouldn’t complain. you have it good” which obviously makes me feel guilty for feeling this way.

I also feel like I have trouble making lasting healthy relationships. I love my boyfriend but there’s always like a little voice in my head that tells me that he’s trying to hurt me or that i’m not good enough for him and it makes me want to distance myself. btw he’s never done anything to ever make me believe he’d actually want to hurt me.