Why is my life like this? (Wall of text)

I'm so tired of the way things are. All of my life I have felt this way. Of course there are the good days where I forget about these things, but lately it's been hitting me pretty heavy. I use to have very severe depression when I was younger. It consumed my entire life. I climbed my way out of it... on my own with no kind of support network, but now I feel myself falling back into it. I don't want to go back to that living hell my mind put me through.

Offline in the real world, I have literally no one to talk to about anything that bothers me. I have no friends and my family is all torn apart and fighting with each other. When I come to 7 cups I mostly just get the generic "things will get better" statements, but I just have no where else to go. I can't afford to see a professional, nor would my work schedule allow me to see one. This place is all I know. I might as well try again I guess.

People seem to avoid me and hate me. It causes me to lay awake at night wondering what is wrong with me. Am I stupid, am I a horrible person, am I so physically repulsing that people can't stand me? I don't know what is wrong and I don't know where to get answers. Even when I was a child going to school, people hated me, truly hated me, and I could never figure out why. I mean people I never even knew would come up to me and just say and do horrible things to me.

I would get jumped in the hall at school, followed across the street from the school so they could hit me, stabbed with thumb tacks & pencils. Every time I would try to fight back or stand up for myself, I would always be the one in trouble. I wasn't allowed to fight back. It got so bad that a guy started literally beating on me in the hall and I didn't even attempt to hit him. A teacher stopped it, and the guy said that I never did anything. They put me in detention and said they would expel me if I got into another fight because they don't believe I didn't cause it in some way. What actually happened is one person I knew, went to this guy and told him I said things about him and his family. I never even knew his name or who he was... How could I have said anything about him? But it never mattered to anyone. After that I ended up having a group of people try to make me kill myself. Every day they would tell me no one cared about me or loved me and that I should die. That I had no reason to live, etc. Back then... It had been going on for so many years that I almost gave in to it. This was the most horrible time of my life.

Things kind of mellowed out later on, but I was always known as the guy everyone hated. People I never met, never talked to, all heard this about me. Heard things others have told them and would have nothing to do with me, or would make fun of me. This followed me all the way though high school.

When I got to college things got better. For a while I thought I was in paradise. Then about half way through or a little more, things started cropping up out of nowhere. I had been dating this girl through a good bit of college and after we broke up she started doing all kinds of things to make every day miserable for me. Around this time the group of friends I hung out will all started attacking me for the most stupid of things. If I wasn't interested in a show or game that they were, they all just started yelling at me about how stupid I was. from there on college was just a bad experience. At some point just to spite me, one girl would leave class about 5 minutes early so she could "take my seat" in the next class. I sat in the back row, by myself so I didn't have to be around anyone and could focus. Then it turned into her and her friends taking up the entire back table.

Between the end of college and now, I have only had online friends. Except for a girl I dated who was known through a family friend. Even my online friends have never really stayed friends with me for longer than a year. It seems I am stuck in a horrible cycle online where I meet a group of people, hang out with them, become friends with them, we talk for a few months, then they slowly stop talking to me until it gets to the point where they only contact me when they want/need something, or they just don't talk to me at all. Right now I'm going through the last part of that cycle again where my group of friends right now only ever talk to me to fill in spots for a game they play.

This is all excluding relationships I have had except for two I mentioned. Surprisingly enough I actually dated a few girls during all this.. Needless to say, a few of them tried using me for sex, two tried using me to lose there virginity, and others were either cheating on someone or cheating on me. I have never had a real relationship where the other person actually cared about me. Most of the time they were very mentally abusive. A couple were sexually abusive. I even got yelled at for just hugging a few of them when I would see them, or just needed a hug. The ones that tried using me for sex would accuse me of being gay and threaten to break up with me because I wasn