You can't be dead. (vent/letter thing)

You aren't dead.

Maybe your mom was mistaken when she said there would be WiFi.

Maybe she's a spur-of-the-moment kind of person and wanted an extra day with her boyfriend.

Maybe you accidentally broke your phone like you accidentally broke the other one.

Or maybe it died and you forgot to bring a charger. Maybe you even left it at home entirely.

Maybe you are already home now, but got home so late that you were too tired to do anything else but sleep.

Maybe it's a combination of these things.

Maybe I will hear from you later today.

Maybe you're busy today and I'll hear from you tomorrow.

But I don't know if I can take more of this.

You said Monday. Did you mean NEXT Monday??

Maybe it was another misleading point your mother made to you.

Maybe you thought it would be a quick trip to her boyfriend's house.

I know you didn't really want to go in the first place.

But that also fuels my despair.

Because if you really are dead...

I wouldn't know if you were truly happy.

I mean we've never met in person before

Never had a real hug

We've never gone to Savannah like we always dreamed of doing

I've never taken you to all those other wonderful places in the area

You never got a cat or a Scottish Deerhound to cuddle

You still had recurring thoughts of being ugly...

This can't be all there is!

I can't have another good person ripped out of my life.

Not you, because after all you're the only one who wanted to stay...

You can't be dead in a ravine somewhere

They didn't make you drive, did they??? You don't have your liscence yet, and manual sucks...

But you know how I worry. You know how I always think the worst. But it's hard, ya know? It's hard when even the fking app is telling me weird things.

Even if you are dead...I don't think there's a way I would ever know...and I know we were aware of that...but...

But...

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE.

You're only 21

You still have your whole life ahead of you, with someone who actually cares for once

I need to be able brighten more of your days

Since life hasn't treated you too well so far

Maybe it's a matter of being careful what you wish for...I mean...since you used to be suicidal and all...

That's horrible irony. Cruel.

You can't just gain the desire to live and then the universe just kills you off before you really have a chance to start living.

You can't be dead...

I keep repeating that...but...idk how much longer I can...would I be able to wait a WEEK?

Maybe if you hadn't told me there would be WiFi

Maybe if...idk.

I just don't know.

I miss you...