a broken mount olympus

My head is a very dark place. I feel alone, i am alone. Its funny how one can struggle with so much but still be a punching bag for people who they hold so close to their heart. I hate the feeling of being conflicted between love and hate. I hate how i can be blind to gaslighting, so blind that i still think its broken love.

My parents, for the purpose of this i will be referring to the people who made me as: Harley and Heath.

Today, i wanted to be positive, i wanted to take a shower and start my schoolwork, but things just went downhill. The moment i opened my eyes, i guess it started last night, i rolled out of bed at like 2 am and popped the two pills i was saving and have been saving, some very strong medication that was meant to help me sleep, but my parents had only picked up 3 pills- theyre addictive and a controlled substance, and my parents dont believe in mental heath shit so they just took home the pills from the hospital- which i had stolen from their room, real classy huh. To a new beginning i had said as i fell into a really deep sleep. I woke up 7 hours later, which is a record and i was so fucking exhausted- i wasted the only two fucking pills i had left for what!!!! Im crying as i read this, of course harley and heath cant catch a break and decided to fight in the hallway, which is right outside my room. Im soo tired as i write this, my mom screamed at me like 20 minutes ago and called me a r**tard, again im tired. If i wasnt tired her words wouldnt hurt as much, but as someone who i still love so much after all these years, it breaks my heart to know she still feels this way about me. My dad left for work today, im am so fucking happy- i hope he decides to leave and never come back, but his beachy self will be back tonight, he’ll be stressed and take it out on me, his favourite punching bag. I miss someone, a lot, a whole lot, but its my fault their gone. I have so so much to say, but no words to get it out. Ill stop here for now. Again, im tired asf, my head is a dark place, and i dont have those two wonderful pills anymore to reassure me. Ugh- just FML

Im done looking for love where it doesnt exist. I am done coughing up dust in attempts to drink from a dry well.

I would give anything for them to believe me, absolutely anything. To this day Harley and Heath dont believe me, and havent believed me. Sleepless nights, living off coffee and anxiety was painful asf, and it wasnt healthy, i was dying. 2-3 hours of sleep during the night, 1-2 during the day, endless cycle of being mentally dead. I wanted help so bad i went to the last resort and told them about it, what hurts even more is how they pretended to care, how they pretended i mattered and how they pretended they were getting me help. Months after months "still waiting for a doctor to call them back" i still live with this burden, i still can sleep, but it has gotten better from once upon a time. I brought it up a few weeks ago and my father said to me " if you really werent sleeping you would hallucinate, you would be dead by now. So youre clearly sleeping" and last night at dinner my parents were laughing about how i went through that stage when i " apparently wasnt sleeping and how they know me better then that" it broke my heart. A broken heart for me doesnt exist, my parents have always broken my heart, but you know whats so sad? no matter how harsh, insane, crazy, they are. I still love them unconditionally, and i sometimes wish they had that love for me, but they dont. They hate me, and let me know that every day.

I think my parents are giving me placebos instead of my medication. They look nothing like the google images, they dont have numbers on them to identify the pill. Again, my heart is broken because they dont believe me. My heart breaks on the daily basis because of them, it doesnt ever heal, i can feel the air blow through it, the sharpness of the edges dig into my chest. I wonder how they would react if i was gone? Even when i overdosed they didnt believe me, no meds, no therapy, just a whole bunch of gaslighting. I need someone to help me get me through this, im lost, im stuck, im in pain. I want my medication, i really do. It gave e some reassurance that i would finally feel happiness, even if it was just medicated. I miss someone, a lot. I havent seen him in a while, but i knew at the very least, he understood my problems to an emotional level, he knew how toxic my parents were, still are, so he left.

A child should never have to feel like they need to earn their parents love. Never make someone a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.

Im again, so stuck, and i wish i had a way out.

I feel insensitive, like theres nothing going on in my brain. I only feel sensitive and emotional towards incidents happening to certain people.

I will be referring to this unknown person as: Zeus

4 years ago someone who was a huge part of my life (zeus) and now isnt, got in a horrible accident, he was staying with us at the time and he blacked out and went to a hospital. He called no one, told no one, just came home and went downstairs to the basement. His eyes were both black, his arm was broken, and his lips were swelled. I helped him and staying down for a few days, because he was depressed asf, hes my moms brother, and she couldnt care less.

My father got in an accident yesterday, a real bad one, two black eyes, popped veins in his eyes, scratches al over his face. My mom and siblings are babying him. I feel nothing, at all, i dont feel bad, but i am so emotional because i cant imagine how it felt to have no one to tell, to not want to tell anyone. To be alone in the worst physical and emotional pain. I dont feel bad, my father has left more bruises internally and externally, on purpose, then a car accident could ever leave. Zeus, helped me with tons of those bruises, so today, while my father lays in bed getting spoon-fed, and Zeus is somewhere out there, who knows whats wrong with him, i shed tears for someone i hold close to my heart. Do i feel bad for feeling this way? Yes.

Im emotional, tired, depressed, and taking placebos probably to help with it all-

I write my rants in ways i see life as a story, a wise person once told me "Dont close the book when bad things happen in your life. Just turn the page and start a new chapter" lol yes i dont believe that shit, but some small, tiny, part of me does hehe

I lied.

I feel bad for my dad now lol-

anyhow i bought this sick pair of pants and some jordans today, feeling quite content <3

Im happy for a good day :')

Sometime i question what i have left.

Ive lost more people then i have words to say. I hate losing people, its me who pushes them away, i dont have words, i cant think when im depressed. It breaks my heart when i shove people, when i hurt them trying to save them from what im capable of doing. I always get posed as a bad person, always end up being that bad guy because im the only person who knows how bad i can get. My mind falls back to the reality of the people who used to call me insane, who used to call me psycho, i was against it, it hurt me. Now i see the full pcture, it was nothing but honesty. The truth can certainly hurt more then a lie. I wish i could hold their hand and tell them i was sorry, truly. My apologies sound fake now, its always “ im sorries” i have nothing else to say because thats how i truly feel. I wish i never met them, i wish i was fully alone, iwish i was alone my whole life. I feel alone, but i hate creating empty loose friendships instead. I am alone, but i still have to create fake lies in order to keep the friendships i do have. I wish everyone could have a small peak at my life, they would cut me a little mre slack, they would understand that i would never hurt them, that i never want to hurt them. TO me its better to hurt them a little bit then to say something or act a way that is irreversible. Yet, no one will ever understand, and till someone understands i would rather stay the bad guy then explain. Im so sorry, i wish i could say more but thats the most genuine itll get, those words mean the most coming from me, trust me.

I wonder if they know how much they mean to me

I sometimes wonder if they know i have screenshots of our old messages and i spend hours scrolling through them remembering, i wonder if they know that i check their status every day and type long messages just to erase them. I wonder if they know, even though its just been a month its felt like years. I wonder if they know that i spend nights and days with them just stuck on my mind. I just think about the fact, nothing happened to break it. I broke it, i just decided it was time to go, time to leave, i felt something bad was going to happen if i maintained the alliance. Yet i feel they dont miss me. I realize that loneliness is a heartbreak that lasts forever. fml

What did i realize today? When something seems too good to be true it IS too good to be true.

I miss him so much im hurting- im done with Harley and Heath. I know im not the only person hurting, and for the sake of everyone- save yourself from a trip down memory lane because ~i dont fucking care~

Im back at old habits- im supposed to be fasting for the good of this month, but nah my ass takes it as an opportunity to not eat and have no one attack me for it- im not anorexic, im just fasting! its been 3 days and i have eaten 2 bowls of cereal! We STAN RELIGIOUS PEOPLES ALL THE WAY

Ive become so insensitive towards my feelings and other peoples feelings- and i feel so bad about that, the thing is, i feel everyone lives in my world, where i dont give a fuck if someone hates me, if someone attacks me, but no, what i fair to realize when im hurting, is not everyone is as fucked up as me. So you know who you are, im really sorry, and youre going to have to ignore my ignorance and passiveness. I love you xo

These are like what mini rants? i have so much on my mind, i knew i shouldnt have went back, im glad i dont feel shackled anymore but its what stays on my mind. I dont have time for anything anymore- thank you Liam, for making me feel like a fucking human

I have a heart shaped scar on my thigh, one person knows about it because they were there at the time it was created, i hold you close to my heart even though youre an asshole, do i forgive you? no. Do i love you? Yes.

I know hes on drugs again- only some random junkie can fall asleep surrounded by 200 screaming kids talking to someone. He wont admit it, and in his eyes i know he knows i know. Justifying it, trying to bribe me out of possible outcomes. Im not saying anything, because for gods sake, i dont care. i see the holes in your arm, and i feel your pain on a drastic level. The most i have to say to you is- hook me up with your dealer.

i have a lot more to say- but im dead and im going to sleep it off

Its been 6 months since i got taken to emerg. 6 months since ive been diagnosed. Everything has been drowning me since then. I need help, and for once now that i say it it makes sense, i want help. They dont care, theyre so cheap, making 6-7 figure salaries a year and cant cough up a few bucks for the child they made, to be okay. Im not okay, and im dying, i really am. Ive been throwing up purposely and just walking out like everything is fine. I spend hours in bed not doing anything, but they claim im fine. Why cant i be the one who determines if im fine or not? When i die will that be a wakeup call? What will be one- because for fucks sake, anorexia leads to death.