idk

its crazy how I remain calm, I remain sweet majority of the time, I try my best to be kind to you and I just basically walk eggshells around you. but any time there’s a situation and I finally put my foot down, I’m the bad guy. I

get so mad at this family sometimes , days go by and it’s still, silent. but then there’s that one random day full of drama and I’m reminded why I need to get far away from this family. It’s clear that they never see into how I feel or why i do or say the things I say. So when I finally break out of that playing the nice, happy, calm person, I’m told to calm down, I’m over reacting, or it wasn’t that serious.

You don’t know how annoying it is to always feel like my feelings are not credible. People in my family don’t feel things the way I do, or even care enough to see into how I feel about things. And then of course, when things gets rough I’m the one that is made to look so wrong and therefore I’m the one that always always has to do the patching up, the talking first, the kind gestures to restore the peace. I’m tired of being the only one that has my own back, I’m tired of being the only one who cares , tired of being the one who shows up even when I know people won’t show up for me. I hate living in a family where I know when push comes to shove no one will be on my side.

She says to me, “Well I already got mine”, as if I wouldn’t have waited for her to get hers if I had already gotten mine before her. I can remember days in highschool, where I was bullied, embarrassed at school and stood on my own, no one ever truly cared enough to experience that pain with me. So I built walls and I learned to understand that I am on my own, so I’m not sure why still til this day it still amazes me, still affects me when I am reminded that my family, will never have my back.

I’m tired of being this way, tired of undermining my feelings just for hers. Just for her to not talk to me, to never apologize, to continue to look down on me or just look at me like I’m not as important. I can see I’m not as important to you.. but everyday I think I kind of try to be. You don’t love me, no one does. And I’m tired of doing this back and forth. I have tried for so long not to close out the world, close out everyone but in a way I feel everyday and in every bad situation that it might be better for me if I just did.

To only be in my own world, to only focus on me.. to just talk to myself.. because it seems that I’m the only one who understands me good or bad.