i dunno

So, It has been nearly a month since I moved out of my moms' house, and i have a great life going. But i still miss home. I miss what I knew, and i really don't like not being able to see my mom when i want to. I was so dependent on her,,, an now it's like okay ya gota go, cause ya cant just live here forever. An i am doing good, it is just my depression really kicks my ass sometimes. I dread the day i will lose my parents. I don't want it to happen, i don't like getting older, i don't like being active, i don't want to work/// don't get me wrong i like having nice things, i like having a safe place to live, food etc..... i just don't feel like i belong any where,,, even though where i am i actually do belong, am welcomed and loved for that matter.....but i have such a hard time being happy. An i wonder if it is because i spent so much time with my mom that being happy has been associated with being with and caring for my mom. I mean i wasn't a pig in slop happy, in fact i was pulling my hair out sometimes in aggravation.... i end up putting my self in a wheel of no winning.....

and i keep telling my self to give it time..... give things one more month,,, stop worrying about death and stop thinking about it....... out of the day now at least i am happy around 4-5 hrs out of the day, instead of back at home, being happy for maybe a few hours on the internet. now i have happy hours, that are with a community and outdoors sometimes.......

but just seems like even though death is a forever thing and knowing that Heaven is the place to be, i would rather die soon, in a manner that isn't suicide an i want my family with me.... i don't wana keep on trucking.... an i know that isn't how it works.