i just feel too alone i feel i cannot try any more everywhere i tell my problem people just leave me

i may write so much that maybe no one will read it but i just want to write everything im done i just feel like a punching bag

well 4 years back(im now 19 M) i had friends but only one close friend lets call him mike,he got transfered although we were in contact we were not so close so i was quite alone then a new girl came to our school (lets call her lily),she started talking to me and we talked almost all day we grew close first time i shared my feelings with someone so easily maybe she was a girl but we were just friends ,she also started talking to mike (through me) we had exams so she said lets talk a little less and after exams we will enjoy a lot i waited but as soon as exams got over i got to know that she and mike like each othher and they are in relationship,both of them unintentionally stopped talking to me i was so depressed i used to cry alone wait online for them whole day i know i shouldnt have but silently i used to cry for them

mike stopped talking to me he thought i liked lily so i lost him,lily's parent soon got to know about her relationship and took her mobile so for 2 months i couldnt even talk to her for 5 mins i cried so much but i used to do it alone so that i dont make anyone uncomfortable,this was all 3 years ago ,she slowly got her phone back we started talking again but we were far from close i used to get so hurt while talking to her seeing how far she is but didnt wanted to say anything and spoil our friendship ,she always said we were close but we werent i knowed that once again exams came i though after the exams i will try to talk to her and tell her im not okay i need help but after the exams she once again left the phone due to studies (and there is so much academic pressure here)but i understtod her problem so i never complained i was alwas there for her but these all thing led to me in depression

i was in pain of loneliness but still i always helped lily i considered her like a family because she lost her brother when she was young so i was too attached to her but she did hurt me so much. finally this year i dont know why she started to come close to me i resisted in fear of again being left out because i didnt have much strength but she convinced me and this year we became really really close ,she went through break up her best friend left her and i was there for her as always we became so close we used to talk as much as possible,i asked her to also help me as i was in depression and i couldnt study ,she did try but since her parents were strict she cpuldnt help much,i told her about all the 2 years she hurt me she felt so sorry she promised me she will make everthing all right we used to share everything i tried to do everything for her she promised me just to hold one year then she will just make me alright we will go for holidays and such,she used to say that my biggest mistake was leaving you i am so lucky to have a friend like you,she used to say to me that if friends have price tags i cant afford you,she really said she hates seeing me in pain,once i even asked her does my depression disturbs your studies we can stop talking,she came to my house and just hugged me and said please never ever think like that u always helped me i feel so guilty of the way i treted you and she just said me tp promise to never stop talking to her

i just somehow waited ,i tried to study a little but i rarely could i used to tell her that its becoming difficult she said she feels guilty ,exams went over i dont know how i got good grades and she got bad ,after the exams she just stopped talking to me she said u are a liar u lied to me u were in depression and u cpuldnt study someone who was so close just blocked me on everything i begged her please dont do this please all i heard is get off my life idiot ,have some respect idiot i just dont know what to do she promised me so much ,in my birthday she hugged me and said u are the person i want as a friend for my entire life and it hurts now i cant just move on its too hard too hard,i begged her lilly what about promises what about my care and love,she said i didnt know u were an asshole then,and dont say u cared u never really did(i know i cared i have helped her in every tough moment of her life and she knew that)

she has just left for college ,and told me i dont want to talk to you ,i just dont want to get close to anyone last year i just couldnt enjoy any moment due to guilt of not being able to help ypu,now i only want to work on myself and enjoy ,i dont know how to deal with this,from 4 years i have never left her side and all those promises last year ,i cant deal with it i just cant ,if she wanted to work on herself why did she have to kick me out of her life like this ,i have arleady suffered too much i dont have the strength again to accept that i have no one and move on,i cant forget anything about the past i just cant think how everyhting she said to me didnt matter,i cant understand how she hates me so much ,someone who cried seeing u in little pain,last week i vomitted so much that i had a blood loss ,i was critically dehydrated i was rushed into hospital my health is degrading and i messaged her agin please lily help me i cant do it im in hospital in too much pain,she just said i dont care dont tell me anything dont disturb,how can someone who loved u so much who you loved like a family hate this much that she doesnt care if i die

from last 4 years i have geniuenl love my friends and everyone has left and i cant understand what just happened with lily i feel broken i have tried everything listener,reddit i am too tired now it was better i cried alone why my friend came close,why did she promise,why did she say those wonderful things,why she assured to just hold one year and left ,im done now i cant take it it may feel a small problem but i now dont understand anything why always me why helping and caring for others leads to this ,am i really just a asshole i am just a punching bag no one loves me no one cares even if i die

Well i will just try to write everyday a little what i feel,almost everyone of my friends have left for college and i still have 20 days till my college starts,somedays i feel bad at what happened but somedays i just miss ,i miss sharing crying i want to cry but somehow i cant this hurts,i know i should not but somedays i start hoping everything will be alright my friend will comeback and help me.well i miss her today probably because i wrote so much yesterday.No problems i loved her (still do) so i may miss her i will try to distract myself and hope slowly i improve,my urge to message her is gone now because i know she will just say me asshole so yeah trying to move forward