i just want to vent out. this may not even make sense to any of you and it's alright :)

im new to this so im just gonna vent in here for now 

im not good at expressing my emotions but ive realised that ive been living on autopilot most of the time thats why i dont even care about alot of things like nothing matters to me i was just going from one day to another without realising that ive been living in my delusions more than real life thats why i had no complaints no regrets no happy memories to share with anyone thats why i dont take any of my realtionships seriously becuase it all just a dream to me and the reason i feel bad about all this is there's someone inside of me , like not literally, but its been telling me that this is not fair this is not how it should be and ive come to realise how the me inside of me feel and understand things better than the outer me. the outer me doesnt care about anything or should i say she care too much to feel anything she has social anxiety and is feared of looking dumb in public or to anyone and in order to prevent that she ends up being the most weirdly awkward with everyone and its only a part of her personality, on the other hand the inner me actually doesnt care about what people think of her she just do what she knows the best and i love her she got the best intuition she's fun confident smart and everything and i dont know why she rarely comes out i miss her