in the wonders of my mind💗.

_{I’m so hungry.}

_{how was that 2 hours ago-}

_{but anyway I went to chewing flavorless gum again.}

_{when anorxia was bad I looked so unhealthy and my bones just popped out. and then I went to overeating- but- severe overeating. I didn’t have any control over myself. but I barely gained anything. there’s this whole science behind it but I’m not gonna go into that. then I went to starving myself again but making myself vomit anytime I did eat. and that lead to the throat problem and now I vomit blood- something to do with the pressure of the um- I wasn’t listening- I kinda wanna starve myself again. I put younger me through the worst months to years of my life but I don’t care. I wanna do it again.} 

_{the girl texted me. 8 messages but I’m not allowed to use that device.} 

_{okay wait I wanna talk about sumthing-}

_{so I’m just gonna put some codenames.} 

_{ms muppet- (my head of year) (cos idk she reminds me of one of them- no offense tho- seriously-)}

_{L1 and L2 (classmates, okay well a little more than that- they’re kinda a main part of the group that started all the rumors and confronted the girl about all the things she didn’t do- and one of the girls in that group death threatened her then it went onto all the graffiti and all that. so yeah- maybe just. more than classmates.)}

A and R (okay so these are classmates- guy classmates- in my math class. they’re in my lead class. and in most of my sets except for french arabic islamic and science I think. I kinda forget they exist sometimes. we’re okay I guess- idk if I’d call us friends but we’re okay.)

S ( the girl- the one I’m friends with and the one that’s been a victim of all that stuff. )

F ( classmate- ex friend but she doesn’t have great memory and has dyslexia. she’s honestly sweet kinda. temper problems but I try to make her happy. )

so this was a thursday or whatever. the day I literally felt like I was dying- idk if anyone remembers that- lol no one’s gonn read this cos we all know I’m lonely as ***. how lonely you can get is actually mildly insane. sorry-. 

so first lesson I asked to go to the bathroom before the lesson even started- before the teacher even let us in- since we line up outside. I was okay. I just needed to breathe. I spent like I’m gonna guess 10 ish minutes just aggressively breathing in that bathroom. nothing happened btw. it wasn’t like a mental thing or whatever- I wasn’t panicking- I was just in pain and idk. really sick. my heart hurt so bad and my body was numb and weak and I couldn’t even walk. everything hurt. I was scared my teacher was gonna get mad so I just tied my hair up and went to class. we were preparing our presentations for the end of year reports- they were assessed and individual- I have no confidence without others- but with others I feel horrible- it’s just the standing infront of everyone and um. anyway. I couldn’t even talk. lesson ends 9:05 and I remember checking it was 8:19 when I started feeling even worse- everything was so warm around me- I didn’t even check to see if anyone was looking at me cos I was in so much pain I just didn’t care. I was coughing so hard and gasping for breath idek I just couldn’t breathe. then my teacher let me leave first at 9 and I used all my energy to go to IT (which was in the same hallway :’) I don’t think I would’ve survived another way) 

I went to my IT teacher and she asked if I was okay and I feel bad because obviously everyone skips IT and leaves for the nurse/bathroom just to skip it (or they don’t show up at all) so last lesson that teacher said it wasn’t allowed anymore (it already kinda wasnt because of the incident but she still let us). I never didn’t show up to her class or left at any point. but I still feel bad. and I said I needed to go to the nurse and she was so nice about it :’) and I just wanted to *** kick myself because bro why you gotta be so *** physically broken I feel so bad about it tho. and then she kept everyone waiting but took me in her class to give me a note for the nurse and asked if I was okay again. I still wasn’t. I said no- I’ve never done that before-. I went to the nurse and there was a group of girls in my year group going up the stairs while I was going down, I think they were like 8J or something. and one of them asked me if I was okay too☠️and I said yeah I’m just kinda sick(I wasn’t just kinda sick.)- she looked so concerned- and- I looked so concerning- 

I made it to nurse. I clicked the thing- it’s not like a doorbell or anything it just makes them see that someone’s there but no one opened so I just opened it myself. I’m gonna skip this part because it just makes me mad. but basically they gave me *** panadol and told me to go back to class. I’m not even joking if there’s nothing wrong with your saturation and you don’t have a fever all they do is give you panadol and send you back to class. 

the nurse wrote the time she let me go back but I honestly didn’t care. I just went back to the girls bathroom and was just. breathing. it was so empty. my teacher didn’t even end up looking at it and I just walked in and no one noticed- it was so loud. 

this isn’t really the main part about L1 but she asked me where i was (for the gossip and I know that.) and I told her I was at the nurse. (she was disappointed.)

F asked me if I was feeling okay- bro I’m sorry but she looked crazy concerned- idk if I really looked that bad but whatever. then idk we talked and she told me what we were doing- which- I just pretended I was doing the work- I literally just wanted it to be over I’m sorry. 

when IT was over we had break. I went up to third floor- 4 staircases up- it was incredibly crowded :’) no one’s allowed on third floor in breaks (unless you’re part of something) but I go there when I’m alone. it’s so quiet. calm- empty- but mostly just. quiet. 

I go down to english 5 minutes early just because it’s on second floor and it was a lot of stairs down. 

our english teacher is always late- so when my classmates actually started to come by the time class started we were still waiting- random details- but we went in. I wanted to ask to go to nurse again but my seat was kinda far from the teacher and idk. it was really quiet too because we were doing this thing and if he saw us talking he’d- yeah I forgot I’m sorry- maybe it was a behavior point or something, and I felt weird because I knew it’d draw all that attention in- 

so. :’) ms muppet comes in. and she asks if she can borrow me and S. S hasn’t been in for 3 days at that point- teacher mentions that so she asks if she could just borrow me instead. idk why they use the word borrow- is that normal? 

she asks how I am and all that. Idk why she looked so happy tho. like she was genuinely so interested in the fact I’ve been so sick for so long and I couldn’t attend my cousin’s wedding :’) no offense or anything she was just smiling so wide. her smile is pretty tho. 

then she tells me she had news for me and she wanted to see how I would take it. 

they’re thinking of switching me and S to a new lead. for a fresh start and all that. 

okay I should sum this up- so my unofficial decision was that I did want that- I’m not allowed to tell S about it until they talk to her themselves. but if her decision is different than ofc I’m gonna change mine. I’m okay with both kinda- the lead they want to switch us to isn’t that bad. I mean. I kinda like my lead- okay no I hate it- I hate everyone in it and everyone in it is just pure evil. they find joy in your pain and feel better when they make you feel worse. they’re hearts are so cold and cruel and- sorry- 

but I’m so used to it. but yeah I’m okay with both. I’m indecisive and idk-I don’t trust myself-

so trying to sum this up again- I had science after- I went in class before anyone else without permission just because I was in so much pain and wanted to go to the nurse and my science teacher- :’) I’m sorry :’) but the way she talks is so insanely fake. It’s so fake. and it’s so annoying omigod. sorry- but she didn’t let me and idk I didn’t even wanna hear her talk anymore so I just dealt with it. seating plan in science puts me in the back of the class so I was just being a suicidal *** at the back of the class. 

we had lunch. I went up to third floor again and everything was just how it was. 

2 more lessons to go. so now we had math. I went down 5 minutes early again because math is also on second floor- just a whole different hallway- after 5 minutes everyone was there. waiting for the teacher. 

L1 and L2 went up to me and started asking me what ms muppet wanted and what she said/why she needed me :p they had their group with them but they were the only ones talking to me. I said I wasn’t allowed to talk about it until it was confirmed. they asked when that’d be and I said when S comes back and talks to ms muppet and they thought about it and asked if it had sumthing to do with them and I said no. they made me swear on a bunch of *** but I’m pretty sure they didn’t believe me. I kept saying they were gonna find out later anyway and that it was just kinda a change? and L2 asked if we were moving classes but I had to say no. we went back and forth for a couple of minutes until our math teacher came. 

so in my seating plan in maths I sit with S R and A. In like a table group. S wasn’t there obviously. 

so first I asked A for a pen ( I forgot my whole pencil case that day- ) (he has everything in his pencilcase btw so I always ask him) and he was looking around his pencilcase- he was testing like 3 of his pens(he tested them on his friend btw- R- so I was just-☠️they’re so stupid it just makes me laugh-)to see which worked and while he was doing that he just said "oh yeah why did ms muppet want you in english" 

we had to be quiet after that for a while because we were working on our own through this powerpoint but when we got the chance to talk I asked him if someone told him to ask me. because idk. I don’t trust that they wouldn’t do that. but he said no and he was just curious. he said I didn’t have to tell him but he was just curious :p but I felt bad :p 

I don’t really know how to explain that convo. because the whole thing was so funny like idk. I’m gonna skip to the part where I mentioned death threats and this is how it went okay-

me: yeah and then it just escalated to death threats too and then the

A: DEATH THREATS

A: to you? who?

R: death threats :o

R: did she say death threats

A: I heard death threats.

R: I heard death threats too. 

like I love how I was right there and they coulda just asked☠️

then R went to his own thing and I said that it wasn’t to me it was to S and that I was moving with her just to be there with her and all that. then he said he understood and that he wouldn’t tell anyone- but he kept repeating that he wouldn’t tell anyone. 

R: who got death threats

A: no so like basically

…I started laughing so hard☠️I was just fully banging on the table and covering my face because I was just laughing so hard- I almost fell off my chair too. then A said "nonono okay okay but he’s the only person I’m gonna tell I won’t tell anyone I swear I swear he’s the only one- R YOURE NOT GONNA TELL ANYONE RIGHT"

like damn I trust that🤓

there was so much to that convo that I’m not gonna go into details about but it was just so hilarious☠️

then we had french and these girls were being *** and I wanted to *** break their jaw but. I didn’t. it wasn’t to me btw. I’ve said this before but I’ve never physically hurt anyone(on purpose at least)(okay other than my brother-) but I still know what I can do. 

I stayed after school for about an hour. I stayed with a couple of people until they left but after that I just liked being alone and the school was really really empty too. you’re also not allowed to stay after school if you dont have a valid reason to. my reason didn’t go into the valid category :D but there were no teachers and most classrooms the lights were switched off. 

today my dad emailed my lead teacher without me even knowing -that I wasn’t gonna be in school today. he’s never let me just not go. I’ve been in such serious situations before but- :’) wow :’) it wasn’t anything amazing tho. I just grieved my abilities strength energy and  feelings of not dying in my bed the whole day. I didn’t even move. 

I have to go- and I’m at the end of my post :0 that no one ever asked for lol :0 my dad was busy the whole time so I’m surprised I got this far. 

_{dads still busy- he hasn’t even come in or anything- he hasn’t taken this device either- he’s been busy the whole time.}  

_{I’ve been chewing on this gum for almost 3 hours :’) I can’t *** take it.}