in the wonders of my mind💗.

_{a bunch of people were surrounded infront of the big stairs at the end of the math corridor and apparently there was another fight there too with different people}

maybe I’ll just close my eyes for a while

_{I did fall asleep- again :’) but even after sleeping so early I still woke up really late and crying again}

_{um I think why I’m so emotional in the mornings now is because I’m waken up from something peaceful and (I’d do anything to keep sleeping but then I think about school-) then I have to think about school first thing after I open my eyes and rush like crazy to- make it to the gates I really don’t want to go through :> and I don’t want to go to school especially with how late I would’ve woken up but I never have a choice.}

_{I’m so happy today tho :p it feels so weird to say}

_{for some reason I feel bad for being happy while other people aren’t} 

_{I’m still in a lot of pain :> I’m not sure of course but I think it’s my…left, yeah left-. I think it’s my left lung it hurts really really bad and at school I’m always in so much pain because my bags so heavy}

_{we didn’t have any tests this week tho}  

_{I’m really really really tired I didn’t feel like coming on cups but I still did xD good night (in the morning)<3}

_*poof*

_{so when I posted that someone rang the doorbell and I sent it and went to look for my brother to tell him to open the door so now I’m still awake :’)  I had to sit with the guests and I was so tired I didn’t even look at anyone I just sat there and I could barely keep my eyes open they were all talking and now I just got up and left I’m so tired. I’m still really sleepy but it’s 2:10pm (today was a half day at school) and I’m just gonna yap about some stuff that happened today :>} 

_{I got invited to someone’s house, it’s just me that’s coming though. in year 7 she said she’d find a day for me to come over and 2 years later we never fulfilled those plans and we remembered that on monday and today she was like wait are you free today and apparently she was ready to have me over and I was like aw I don’t know my dads number because she was gonna make me call him and she said tomorrow she’s got swimming lessons after tomorrow she’s visiting her friend in the hospital so I just said next friday (shes said before that Fridays are when she normally has play dates but she doesn’t have any next friday). and I actually think my dads gonna agree because lately he’s just wanted me out of the house and specifically out with my friends because he’s embarrassed about me or something idk. and she asked if I’m okay with being in someone else’s car because some parents aren’t okay with that and I said yeah of course and then we were just going yaayyy we’re finally putting our 2 year plan into action} 

_{first period I had french and it was pretty ..normal. :p we’re put in a boy girl seating plan and I sit next to this guy that’s in my old lead and we actually talked today so at least he’ll actually talk to me like a normal person} 

_{second period was islamic it was fun I’m in a table with 3 of my friends and we wouldn’t stop laughing. and today we didn’t do much but if we did we finished everything early so we got a lot of free time} 

_{third period was music. we’re working with a new instrument I forgot the name of- it’s this long pole thing it has a hole through it and apparently the different colors make different sounds, the teacher put on videos and when the character in the video jumps on your color you hit the pole thing on the table and the teacher said we’re doing it as a class so we need to have trust in each other to make it as accurate as possible and work together etc and yeah our class wasn’t very trustworthy. everyone was just banging both of theirs (we got 2 each with different colors) so hard and not on their part at all of course when you hit it so hard it’s so loud and my friend said it sounds like actual fireworks to your ears and it did and after a while the teacher made everyone stop and by then my head hurt and my ears were blocked and …fuzzy if that makes sense? I’m gonna invent new terms atp. but yeah and my friend had a bad headache and some people were asking other like are you okay are you okay it was so bad, and for some reason the teacher I guess believed in us too much and put 4 more videos and everyone was just going all in}  

_{okie I just searched pole instrument colors and they’re called boomwhackers. also I found the channel the teacher was putting on the videos from :0 and I found the first video we did https://youtu.be/qhJnIF8GHnw I didn’t even know it sounded like that at all till I found it} 

_{fourth period was english 2 guys had a fight over a water bottle so the teacher punished everyone by making everyone stand up so she can put us in a boy girl seating plan except I was the only one that was put in a table with all boys they were talking about *** dolphins well actually the convo started with a guy asking would you *** a dolphin and then they started talking about other stuff. yeah I don’t like the seating plan} 

_{then that’s when I stayed with the girl after school and she invited me to her house. and at the beginning of the school day one of my other friends ran up to me before I walked in class and we talked then and F came back to school she dyed the bottom of her hair pink it looks so good and we talked too :3 yeah I’m really sleepy goodnight <3}

_{i know it sounds like I’m bragging and tbh I don’t know if I am, I used to come home and tell my brother about that one interaction I had and I’d be so happy about it and he’d just think I’m weird but I’m pretty sure that’s all that’s happening as in I’m really happy that I’m- happy and I’m happy for myself because I’m happy and I haven’t been happy in a while and even if I know it’s temporary it’s still a lot to me and I think I’m gonna let myself be happy while I’m happy xD I need a dictionary for the things I say. but yeah I’m talking about my day and not thinking about any of the bad stuff too much because tbh, I’ve had a lot of bad stuff too xD and it’s okay tho xD because I’m having happy moments and good parts of my day that I can talk about now and it means a lot to me. anywho enough blabber goodnight <3}

_{I got woken up at 9am today. my cousins back so the whole family’s meeting at my uncles house because my uncles gonna travel today too (for work)}

_{i dont want to see anyone :’) or talk or smile or anything I just really wanted to sleep and rest this weekend and not talk to anyone i just woke up and got yelled at to change when no one else was even up or ready and now I’m completely ready and no one else is} 

_{also yesterday I was getting yelled at for something I didn’t do and I was just trying to help and I got yelled at and basically told I wasn’t raised properly but I don’t even know who raised me so yeah you got a point there. and I just yelled that I’m so *** tired and they started making fun of me} 

_{so that was nice. anywho now it’s 10:32am I’m gonna leave my room so everyone can see that I’m ready at least they have cats I’m gonna see friska and prince :’) I’ll just sit with them as long as I can} 

_{on our way my brother said that my cousins husband is gonna be there (he’s her fiance until december but yk-) I’ve never met him irl but I’ve seen like 60 something photos from the day they got engaged and I’ve had one phone call with him because my cousin was talking to me and calling him on speaker so he started talking to me.} 

_{and it’s never personal I just really didn’t want to meet new people and in the photos he has this whole big family and what if I have to meet them but- he didn’t show up. he had work to take care of} 

_{but my cousin showed up :’) and my aunt and 3 other cousins and my uncle and second aunt and my third uncle my grandparents came with us and my dad and brother and it was just a bunch of people I didn’t want to be sitting with} 

_{a long time ago one of my cousins was annoying me and I didn’t want to say they were my least so I said they’d be my second least favorite cousin but I don’t actually rank them and he said that he annoys me so much that whoever’s the least must be absolutely horrible as in they must’ve done something to me and they keep bringing it up and I keep saying I was joking and that I just said that but I don’t actually rank them and this whole time he kept saying it was the cousin that came back that we all came for and I keep saying it’s no one and I love all my cousins} 

_{and he brought it up today but long story short the cousin came and he told him as if I actually said he was my least favorite and later that first cousin was like so (London cousins name) one of us is (nadia)’s least favorite cousin. and then the london cousin I’m gonna call him a and he went I wouldn’t mind I mean I’ve been in london so you know far from the heart (or something like that I didn’t hear well)}

 _:’) 

_{I would never rank my cousins. I can’t even imagine what I’d make it honestly but the reasons I didn’t want to see the london cousin are a lot but he’s not my least favorite cousin I just don’t like him. he’s the same cousin I found *** of when I was 8. the same cousin that dared me to do inappropriate things when I was too young to understand the same cousin that was the best at invalidating you no matter what you said at all tell him you’re stressed he’ll literally laugh because what do you got to be stressed about and if I told him I was getting bullied he’d just be like all kids joke like that like I can’t take a joke, I didn’t actually tell him I was getting bullied I told him about a specific girl that used to bully me. he made my ed worse, and then in front of everyone else he’d be the nicest person that’s what hurt it hurt more than anything else he’s done idk he made me feel so weak} 

_{he’s got 10 more years of idk before he starts working as a surgeon and he’s not staying a long time so} 

_:> 

_{on the less depressing side :D I found this like music video from my school youtube it’s so funny xD but I’m multitasking and I keep worrying that this whole thing is gonna get deleted so I’ll find it later and I can’t put it here but I’ll describe it xD bybye. <3}

good morning

._. *flop*

I woke up early on my own today- my dad took my device but forgot to lock the door so I just took it- 

I had a really long dream. I feel like I should know what happened but I barely remember anything 

also I’m really really hungry I can’t find the gum :')

_{7:14pm. I didn’t sleep after school I was just too tired to come on}

_{I’m still too tired to talk about my day so :’) maybel I’ll skip talking about today.}