in the wonders of my mind💗.

_{we’re not even halfway through the week.} 

_{we’re not even a month in. we’re not even 2 weeks in. I’m so *** done and then today I saw this video of a guy talking a lot about how life is so short and we care about things that don’t actually matt.er at all and how we’re all just individuals in a single city/(state) in a single country in a single continent in a single planet in a galaxy among trillions of other galaxies}

_like

_{im so *** insi.gnificant, I mean they said that too but not in a bad way I’m literally nothing and he said that when we think about that we should think about how small our prob.lems actually are (the video was about how to stop caring too much)} 

_{I hate thinking about how short life is because I’m just I’m not doing anything and I have nothing to do to make my life any more mea.ningful we’re all gonna be buri.ed or idk se.t on fire or something and all our memories and everything that’s ever happened to us is just de.ad with us I want to be a senior but I can’t picture myself as one and also if I’m a senior that means I have 3 years left of school and my grades suck now I’ve tried everything really it’s hopel.ess for me. and to be honest I don’t even want to be a psychologist or anything at all I don’t want to work or go to school but like no one does unless you do-. and um. I wish I could sleep :’) I haven’t woken up once at a time I wanted to since school started my sleeps so *** up}

_{i feel like everyone’s judging me all the *** time like stop please stop it’s not even weird it’s just when people excessively stare it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me} 

_{i feel like I keep waiting for another year to start or something specific to happen but it never actually changes much I swear I just wanna cry I’ve been crying in my head I can’t even cry I’m trying not to cry so much this year well um mornings don’t count I hate school mornings} 

_{literally ***. I’m so d.one with everything I’m so do.ne I don’t even wann.a be here. I’m ugly I’m *** I’m worth.less no one likes having me around I don’t know why I was bo.rn I want to pa.ss my soul onto a plastic bag thinking about myself is ew.}

_{i know it’ll ne.ver get better and I don’t care I don’t I just want everything to st.op I want to clos.e my eyes one more time. I don’t want to d.ie.}

no one cares when you’re actually hurting what if I kept the text black I was like if no one likes me then, no one likes me-. but if no one likes me I’ll get all dramatic in my head because- no one likes me. 

I try to be liked but I don’t even think I’m being disloyal to myself. I don’t know who my authentic self is. I just know me around different people 

my dad went out idk with his friends I guess.

everyone keeps annoying me. annoying me as in making me feel like *** I genuinely feel so weak and tired 

powerless.

I thought i was gonna faint today. 

I just don’t want to I don’t want to anymore any of this I just want to st.op

i know I was happy idk when and I’m switching a lot now but I’m just trying and some days are harder than other and.. “it’s okay” I guess :’) someone keeps annoying me about being on a device- it’s my device and screen time and I’m wasting my time being pathetic it doesn’t affect you :’) and they’re like mmmm…have you got school tomorrow.. and I know they know I do the fact they’re making me think about it doesn’t make me feel bad for being up it just makes me feel bad because I’ve got school tomorrow. oh wait I wasn’t supposed to be depressing here xD um- whoops. :p I’ll go now just until they leave but I’ll be back :p * poof*

_{5:03 am}

_5:36am 

_{I managed to wake up before 4am today. from 1am till then I was just closing my eyes getting up scared and checking the time over and over again and I was fully awake from 3 something}

_{it’s so peaceful. I need to not sleep more often. /hj}

_{It actually is really calm tho. without me already feeling like me this is what I meant I just want everything to go quiet and stop for a while so- for a while I can breathe.} 

_{I was thinking should I go out on the balcony, because the sky’s beautiful and the weathers nice} 

_{but- I’m good here.}

…

_{oh yeah. I can’t really explain how um- idk- it got. but on tuesday between break and math it got so crowded all around the big staircase around like outside the 2 doors leading to it and mostly all the way down the stairs and not too many up}

_{it was so crowded as in. I kept getting pushed from everywhere and then I’d turn around and someone else would push me and everyone there just wanted to fight and some senior group was around me and my friend and they kept pushing us specifically and one grabbed my friend and threw her on me and someone just took my bag and idek launched it to the ceiling and I wasn’t trying to move at all but everyone was everywhere and I was getting thrown on the floor or pushed in different directions and then I saw someone coming down from third floor and they started recording and I tried to cover my face-}

_{it went on for so long. I was late to math- a bunch of people got hurt. I would’ve just taken the other stairs if I knew but tbh I sort of did because the doors are see through but I didn’t know it was that bad at all}  

_{im gonna get off cups for the- school day xD I’ll be on after probably. byebye.}