just a place to vent (pls ignore!!)

i had to apply for this thing cause I scored too low marks on my exam. and I was genuinely checking it so many times, like made it a point to double-check and triple-check a hundred times. and I do know that I did go a little leisure, just a little, not enough to completely miss it, and I know I shouldn't have been that casual. but now my parents blame me cause I haven't done anything else right, so I must've been careless about this too. i wasn't. i actually wasn't. turns out I had like a 3 day time gap only, and I checked it once during that time gap, the portal opened and all that but I wasn't ready to put it and I needed money to spend it so I didn't do it that day, but now I'm at fault. 

i can't believe I checked it a hundred times and still managed to miss it. how does that even happen?

you know what the one thing i cant believe is? I'm a very honest person. if I messed something up, I tell my parents honestly. if I cant do it, then I accept the fact that I cant do it. my mom thinks I'm being pessimistic, but I think its more of being practical. i don't say negative stuff before something happens, but if something is over and I know I did bad, then obviously I know where to keep my expectations. and of course, if something goes good, I tell them I did well, that I expect this much or something like that. 

at the same time, I also understand that I underestimate such things. i know its bad, but its usually worse than I expect. i know its good, but usually its better than I expect. yet, I cant believe I let this go. i swear to god I checked a bazillion times, man, this is important to me too. if anything its important to only me, nobody else aside me. and yet, they think I'm not being serious enough. they think I was careless because I didn't care. like?? 

i cant show them my emotions, I don't know how. if I cried, I either get ridiculed for it by my dad or my mom ends up smiling cause after all making her daughter cry is the utmost satisfaction one can get, I don't know? 

they don't believe me. they never will. i was the most trustworthy daughter, sure here and there, but genuinely speaking, I told them everything. every single detail of my life because I'm transparent like that. and yet, they don't trust me. they blame me, call me names. makes me think they never liked me and simply tolerated me, you know? because what else can I do to make them proud? i tried my hardest, I scored well until two years ago. the past two years have been ***. they weren't the only ones who gave me a hard time, of course. but I'm a literal child. i don't know how they expect me to deal with the emotions they have. why am I their therapy? and yet, why is that I don't have anyone to talk to? anyone who would listen without feeling the need to provide me with advice? i don't know. 

to put it simply, I gave up. the reason I'm nonchalant with my emotions and the way I handle with my results is because I gave up. i tried, I tried so hard, but it wasn't working. i didn't know how to ask for help because I wanted to be like them, I guess. i wanted to solve it myself, to be able to handle myself without any extra classes, and yet I didn't. two years, and all I did was go down. 

there were so many expectations. from my parents, teachers, and for some reason friends? why do they smile if I score low? why do they pity my grades? my intelligence? so I gave up. i cant reach those expectations anyways. because then again, if you can do this much, then surely you can do more? surely you can put in more effort? 

i was never a hardworking person, I know. i was last minute on all days, I always finished it on time but never without any stress. that's how I have been. and then suddenly it doesnt work? suddenly everyone pressuring me? suddenly I cant smile, I cant watch videos, I cant have fun? it threw me off a lot, but I struggled to continue that lifestyle I suppose. the comfort zone got a little too comfortable. 

but even now, I don't know what to do. i don't know if there is anything I can do. 

when I say living or dying doesnt matter to me, my friends think I'm suicidal. i usually brush them off because, of course I'm not. its just another paper, its just another exam, of course I'm not depressed, of course I'm happy. why wouldn't I be? 

but would it really make a difference if I left? is there anything I offer today that will be missed tomorrow? have I made any difference in anyone's life to miss me? 

my grandmother, yes. she'll probably cry her whole life. my parents? sure, perhaps the next year or so. my dad will move on, I know he will. he's like me. my mom will take more time, I think. she'll cry about it for days, talk to anyone that listens, but I don't think she'd ever figure out that I'm like this because of them. but that's okay, I don't expect them to take credits. besides, I do deserve a lot of them, anyways. its just that they didn't help, simply made it worse, I suppose. 

but really, would it matter? they have one less person to worry about. one less person to feed, one less person to spend money one. one less person's space. i don't know. i just don't. 

i'll probably find all these ramblings stupid in the future, I'll probably read back and wish I hadn't been so cringey, idk. i do that now, find old ramblings where I'm all dramatic and genuinely think wow, she really thought it was the end of the world, huh? 

i wish that happens to me once. i wish I move on from this, that I make it big in the future and my future self looks back at this with a laugh. no longer nostalgic, no longer upsetting her, just a memory long forgotten. i wish it happens, that I need to think about this no longer. that this doesnt affect me anymore. 

but I messed up huge time. i know I did. it'll be difficult to move on. but I hope I do. i must, right?

nothing actually happened today (or yesterday for that matter) but you know. I've been thinking a lot. i had the chance to talk and play with two kids yesterday, one in elementary and the other in kindergarten. i don't really play a lot with kids cause I'm awkward unlike my parents who are a natural at it (except for when it came to me, I suppose) but well, I did yesterday. and yeah, I get the whole point of parenting for a few hours is less stressful than yk forever parents or whatever it says. but I enjoyed yesterday. they were nagging, sure. they were persistent, yes. but they listened and they looked up to me. would I have looked up to my parents if they treated me like I treated the kids? i know age difference is a thing, but obviously I'm talking of when I was their age. idk what changed over the years. although I attribute a lot of my mindset to being a teen and stuff, idk if people do a 180 just because they aged up, unless of course, it has always been this way and they were just never old enough to know it. 

regardless, as I talked to my parents and diffused this onbrewing argument, I realised I talked to them the same way I did with the kids. who's being a parent here, I'm so confused? obviously its not an all time thing, but I just don't know. are they as petty as children? do they really lack so much maturity in certain aspects? i don't really know. at the same time, I know they can be very serious and caring sometimes. i know they talk a lot of pretty serious adulting stuff I wouldn't know about except the little things my mom accidentally slips. which brings me to a whole other dilemma of whether they think its 'cute' that I'm trying to be an adult and yk poke my nose into their business, they must've surely talked about it, right? that's just so belittling and embarrassing to think about, idk why that even popped up in my head, but oh well. i do intervene a lot, *** I'm like my dad in that aspect, I cant ignore stuff. but at the same time, this diffusion is also because I want to be at peace, you know? i don't want to deal with their pettiness. 

but well, yeah. its been on my mind the whole day yesterday. 

(on my phone cause i can't sleep)

idk why but I've been feeling like death doesn't make a difference anymore. my parents would miss me, sure. they'll mourn me for months, probably. but they'll move on. I don't mean to say that's its sad or wrong that they'll move on, but the will and they should. I feel like my dad will take the least time, maybe weeks to move on, he's just practical like that. my mom might genuinely mourn for a few months, but at max a year, i would say. after that my death will probably only be the attention seeking tactic she uses everytime she wants sympathy. my grandmother would definitely mourn the most. I know she'll cry a lot, i know that she might never truly move on. but let's face it, she's old. she's got at max a decade at hand. if I'm gone, no one will take care of her too. that's the only reason I'm trying to hold on to dear life, I think. but she will be fine. she will be. I don't have anyone else who would mourn me, my aunt, yes because she's family. I don't really have any friends that would think about it for more than a few days, I'm just another news in their daily life. gone and dusted.

what difference did i even make? did I make my parents proud? no. did I do anything that makes me worth living? no. have I ever made a difference? no.

I'm just another mouth to feed and another leech that's taking up space. what more could I ever be?

I've always said that I don't mind dying, i remember a friend saying not more than a month ago that he'll be sad if i died. yet, he hasn't responded to my texts in days. if I die, they wouldn't have to pretend to care. they'll be free. they'll all be. my parents who need to keep feeding a loser like me. I didn't do anything for them. my 'friends' who don't have to ever text me back. my grandmother will be upset, but at least she no longer needs to check if I'm eating.

I'm not suicidal, I won't take my own life. I know how stupid i sound too. I have the definition of a 'perfect life' in my hands. loving parents who spend as much money as I ask of them. they give me so much freedom even in this indian society, they don't mind me dating or hanging out with my friends and spending all their money. they let me be, show me love, kiss me just cause they can, put up with all my annoying traits, laugh to my jokes, talk deep topics, listen whenever they can. I know what I'm willing to throw away. I know that so many people would die dreaming for my life. I know that there are people in much much much worser situations than me, *** I'm not even in a bad situation.

but i simply don't see the point. why should I hold on? what can I ever do if I mess up everything that I touch?

all this sounds so childish and like the kind of people I used to ignore on the internet thinking they were attention seekers. and I know that there are a lot of gaps in my thoughts, but that's cause I've already finished crying lol. I can't ask help because I don't have anyone whom I can ask. all this sounds so dramatic as I type it out, but really. why should I hold on?

been feeling a bit useless today... not sure what caused it, but I haven't been coming here for a bit, although I wanted to sometimes. i had a good week, went on a vacation with family, got a pretty good rank for my college allotment. and yet, I feel like something is missing? i do not have the motivation to do anything, not sure why. i need to start hitting the gym, but I cant get back to it lately. i need to start working on the game, I'm genuinely passionate about it, but I keep losing track of time. i wanted to start this journalling plans three days ago, genuinely. even today I promised myself I would start in the morning, its already 6 in the evening though. what happened? why am I getting so careless? where is my focus? i have no idea... at the same time, I also feel like its all this porn addiction, me constantly being on roblox or using youtube shorts as a way to distract my life away, idk. i don't even know if changing that would change me back, I'm not sure. i guess the best way to know is by doing it and finding out?

havent been here in a while. wow. so uh, had a rough few days, was dreading a lot of stuff in life. i made up with this guy after not talking to him for too long, i guess im just happy he reached out at all. genuinely thought he wouldn't. today was okay, i loved my charcoal art work! i had an arguement with dad, its not that he's old he just doesnt take the effort to offer what is needed, did anyone really ask for his opinion today? ugh. i got some work done, not all that i wanted, but definitely better than the past month. so yeah, not a bad day to be alive ***.